Flash Gordon Review

Released in 1980 under the direction of Mike Hodges and distributed by Universal Studios on a budget of $35 million, "Flash Gordon" has become one of the most iconic science-fiction films in the cult film underground, but it's also been infamous and credited as one of the worst films in the science-fiction underground. If films like "Troll 2" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space" have taught us, time is the greatest ally for cinema to either have it be decided if it's a classic masterpiece or a classic mistake.

Plot: Emperor Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow) sets his sights on Earth who toys with it by plaguing it with disasters from earthquakes to hot hail. He tests the denizens of Earth whether they will just believe it's just a series of natural disasters or alien interference, if anyone assumes it's the latter, then earth will be destroyed. Sadly, a former NASA scientist, Dr. Zarkov (Topol) discovers the disasters are an extraterrestrial phenomenon and he kidnaps two young people to go into space with him to investigate, these two include Steven "Flash" Gordon (Sam J. Jones) quarterback for the New York Jets and Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) a travel agent for some unknown company. Upon entering the next dimension, they are taken to the planet Mongo where Ming deems that since they know the disasters are made from him, he will use the moon to destroy the Earth as he forces Dr. Zarkov to endure a brainwashing procedure to become a loyal agent of theirs, Dale to be his bride and he sentences Flash to be publicly executed. But the timely lust of his daughter Princess Aura (Ornella Muti) saves Gordon from death as she takes him and hides him on the world controlled by her off-again on-again boyfriend Prince Barin (Timothy Dalton). Flash Gordon, desperate to save Dale and the Earth from Ming the Merciless, he encourages Barin and Prince Vultan (Brian Blessed) to work together to overthrow Ming once and for all.

I have never personally read any of the comics by Alex Raymond but I have seen a few of the film serials that were created in the 1930's that starred Buster Crabbe as Flash Gordon on Netflix. The serials are, admittedly, dated in comparison to today's science-fiction films but they were far better written than this film. The dialogue is unbelievably hoaky, including such lines as "Flash, Flash I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!" or "Are your men on the right pills?" and certain scenes such as the fight scene Flash Gordon has with Ming's guards while he uses a frabreche egg as a football only make one question if these filmmakers were even trying. But poor dialogue aside, the story doesn't tell me all I want to know about Flash Gordon. It only gives me the vague idea about Flash Gordon as an easy-going guy who doesn't take sh*t from people and he encourages this attitude to others who are not all that willing to follow his example. It's the typical "hero leads revolution against the dictator" story; no more, no less without any real surprises as the film goes on.

Characters: Oh boy, the only way I can get through this is to look at each of the actors in this film and criticize each one, save the extras who were only paid to just stand around in elaborate costumes.

Sam J. Jones: Anybody who reminds me of George Hardy from "Troll 2" is a bad sign. I doubt he was chosen for his acting but more for his looks, though he barely resembles the Flash Gordon of the comics and he lacks the heroic presence of Buster Crabbe. While he doesn't exactly half-ass his performance, he doesn't fare too well due to the ridiculously campy screenplay. Regardless, he's not the worst actor in the film, he just does what his acting limitations call for and, as poorly as he does it, he manages to pull through as a likable guy, but just not a believable Flash Gordon.

Melody Anderson: Quite possibly the worst thing in this movie. Her acting is so wooden you could have just replaced her with a cardboard cutout and I doubt no one would have been the wiser. She serves as a really contrived love interest who seems to be really accepting of Flash's advances on her. When he describes the idea of getting married or having children, she just smiles and agrees with it without protest. While she does have moments of actually contributing, she is mostly just a driving force for Flash to go and save the day. You could practically forget she was even in need of saving.

Max Von Sydow: To his credit, he looks the part. He definitely looks like Charles B Middleton's Ming the Merciless but he's trying so hard not to be over-the-top that he fails to actually seem threatening or be intimidating and he comes off as a tired and overdone villain. Like everyone else in the movie, Mr. Von Sydow delivers ridiculous dialogue, however, he seems to be aware that it's terrible and instead of trying to be humorous, he speaks in this controlled monotone. Only a few times does he break this tone when he gets angry but mostly, it's this controlled posture of a character. Id he the worst actor in this? Not really, it's just wasted potential on his part.

Timothy Dalton: Surprising to say, but he's actually the best actor in the film. He's a very good actor and he surprisingly takes the silly dialogue and manages to play it straight and with complexion. Unlike Max Von Sydow who takes the cheesy dialogue and just makes it sound really uninterested, Dalton takes it as it is and yet he makes it sound believable and still plays out as this cool and headstrong prince. Plus, it's a step-up from James Bond if I do say so.

Topol: Was he trying to avoid typecasting? I know he was Tevye in "The Fiddler on the Roof" and he really delivered a fine performance in that. I have no idea where that acting went in this film. For the first half of the film, he gives some of the worst acting, just to prepare us for the worst to come. You know it's bad when an actor has to show the whites of his eyes while yelling out the most insane scientific babble I've heard in a long while. But he gets brainwashed and after that, it's like he took some chill pills or something and he plays it straight, while still delivering hammy dialogue, of course. But I still ask, how the hell did they convince him to even be involved with this?

Ornella Muti: Why is it in these really bad movie it's always the female acting that seems to deliver the worst performances? Think about that statement for a minute and think back to the performances from actresses in "Troll 2", "Showgirls" and "Xanadu," all films that had some of the worst acting performances from the actresses (though they're bad films already so i shouldn't really place all the blame on them). But she is one of the more forgettable performances in the beginning but she moves up the ladder to being laughably bad, especially her scene with Dale, the dialogue just gets hammier and the acting gets even worse. Still, she does what she's called for and she does it nonetheless, moving on.

Brian Blessed: You will NEVER have a dull moment when Brian Blessed is on the screen; he's so over-the-top, so bombastically loud that it's hard to even say that's bad acting when you're laughing so hard. Honestly, nobody could act like that by accident, to give a performance like that would take practice and bless Brian Blessed for being that man to deliver that with his deep and booming voice. Anyone's who's heard of "Flash Gordon" will probably remember his lines the best; "Gordon's ALIVE?!", "Impetuous boy!!" and the infamous "Who wants to live forever? DIIIIIIIIIVVVVEEEE!!!!!!" Oh Bliss and heaven, Brain Blessed is the only reason you would want to see this film.

The acting from the rest is just laughable and shake-your-head worthy acting but the way they deliver dialogue is at least commendable that they can work with it and still have you leaving with a smile on your face.

Production: I actually kinda thought this was the strong point of the film. Admittedly they are really dated; you can see the strong on the rocket ships as they fly around and the blue screen is horrible, especially with the scene involving the Hawkmen attacking Ajax's ship really shows bad use of blue screen, as not only can you see the blue around the heads of Flash and Vultan but when the Hawkmen assault the ship, they become transparent and you can see the blue screen backgrounds. Special effects aside, I admire that they were attempting to recreate the special effects of the original serials and the use of models and sets brings a level of creativity that should be praised for putting that amount of money into it.

The costumes themselves are strikingly elaborate, from Ming's costume to the costumes of the other races. They're silly, sure, but still really elaborate considering that costumes for the film serials were nearly dirt cheap in comparison. But what I find strange is that Prince Thun is nowhere to be seen in the movie, I would reason that they could not include a prince with a lion head and try to make it look "realistic" yet that doesn't seem to stop them from having the Hawkmen have the most obviously-fake wings that bump into things.

But of course, the real reason this film has been remembered so fondly is because of the soundtrack by Queen. Let me tell ya, seeing this film for the first time and to hear the opening theme with numerous pictures of the original comic, I was already invested and pumped up for the adventure to come, unfortunately…

Still, the music is exciting, hard-core when it calls for it to be so and it makes the movie fun to watch.

Bottom Line: You know, I actually liked this film. I don't think it's as bad as people claim for it to be. The story and dialogue are at fault here for bogging down the film with it's hamminess and camp. But somehow, the camp seems to work to it's advantage; it's hard to take a film like this serious and clearly, the filmmakers weren't trying to be serious. From my understanding, the screenwriter for this movie, Lorenzo Semple Jr., was a writer for the 1960's Batman television show and he was also responsible for the screenplay for the 1976 remake of King Kong as well as the screenplay for the abysmal "Never Say Never Again." How can anyone take a villain like Ming seriously when he looks like Fu Man Chu wearing a Queen Amidala dress and you have a former Playgirl model sprouting lines like "Ming is a psycho!" ? You can't without laughing like a hyena.

Yes, it's bad, it's bad in term of writing, it's bad in terms of acting, it's bad in terms of special effects, it really is bad. But I never had more fun watching a bad film like this. just like "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "Battlefield Earth," Flash Gordon is the essential bad movie to watch before you die. It's not "War of the Worlds" or "Alien" by any standards, but it is worth seeing just to see the most hilarious science-fiction film since "Spaceballs."

"He's for everyone of us. Stand for everyone of us. He saves with a mighty hand, every man every woman every child- he's a mighty Flash"

Final Rating: 3.5/5

Until next time, I'll keep the fires stoked for when we burn through celluloid.