Dark Shadows Review

"My name is Victoria Winters. My journey is just beginning - a journey that I am hoping will somehow begin to reveal the mysteries of my past. It is a journey that will bring me to a strange and dark place - to a house high atop a stormy cliff at the edge of the sea - to a house called Collinwood; to a world I've never known with people I've never met - people who tonight, are still only vague shadows in my mind, but will soon fill all of the days and nights of my tomorrows."
-Alexandra Ises "Dark Shadows" 1966

Released in 2012, directed by Tim Burton and distributed by Warner Bros; "Dark Shadows" is a dramatic comedy based off the Dan Curtis soap opera from 1966 and ran at least five years but left behind more episodes on daytime programming than Doctor Who and Star Trek at the time as well as a large cult following and nostalgic memories for it's viewers. To prepare for this movie, I took it upon myself to watch the original series, and from watching full episodes next to half of the episodes, I can confirm quite distinctively that THIS SHOW SUCKED! THIS SHOW SUCKED!! THIS SHOW SUCKED!!!!!!!

Good Lord, how the hell did anyone even tolerate this crap back in the day? The stories are melodramatic to the point where you just wanna slap the characters in the face and say "Get over it!" and "Are you seriously THAT stupid?", the acting is hammier than "Flash Gordon" and the fact that they could force out 5 episodes over this one stupid plot point was just ridiculous. But for what I hated about the show's episodic format, I admired in it's cheap yet detailed gothic set designs and Jonathan Frid's performance as Barnabas Collins. While he was no Lugosi, he was elegant, compelling and at least far more interesting than any of the other characters in the show. So you would think a film adaptation of this soap opera would be a catastrophe, right?

Plot: 1776, Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) has the worst times of his life. His mother and father died in a mysterious accident where a statue fell on their heads, leaving him the sole proprietor of Collinsport's fishing industry and his love-to-be Josette DuPres (Bella Heathcote) is bewitched and thrown over the edge of a cliff by a jealous witch named Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) who also curses Barnabas by turning him into a vampire and rallying the townspeople to bury him alive. 196 years later, Barnabas is dug out of his grave by construction workers as he discovers Collinsport has been taken over by Angel Bay Seafood run by Angelique and the Collins Family has fallen to dysfunctional ruin. Striking a deal with the family matriarch, Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer), Barnabas agrees to help restore the family name while agreeing to not harm any of the residents of the Collins household, rebellious and frustrated teenaged Carolyn (Chloë Grace Moretz), the greedy and thieving Roger Collins (Jonny Lee Miller), his mentally disturbed son David (Gulliver McGrath), drunken groundskeeper Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Hayley), David's caretaker and Josette's double Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) and the drugged-up self-conscious live-in psychiatrist Dr Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter). But danger is afoot for the Collins' when Angelique discovers that Barnabas has escaped and she will not stop until she has extinguished the Collins name and any honor that title had.

You know, I'm impressed the screenwriter, Seth Grahame-Smith who's famous for writing the books "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and"Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter," was able to take a rather melodramatic and ongoing plotless soap opera and manage to still retain elements from the show, such as Julia's blood transfusion experiments, David's Sixth Sense and Victoria's similarity to Josette; it's impressive that he managed to at least incorporate all that in this film. But from what I've been reading from critics and movie-goers alike, all these elements only makes the film feel aimless with no sense of direction. My response is; "dude, did you even SEE the show? No? Then shut the f*ck up." and if you did see the show and you still complained that it didn't do the show justice, I say "Shut the f*ck up."
Honestly, I will admit, there are things I felt didn't work. The biggest complaint you'll hear from me is the ending; I won't spoil it but if you thought the ending to "Alice in Wonderland" was contrived, this really takes contrivance to a whole new level to where it barely makes sense and it only makes you wish the movie was over already. But the journey we were taken on to get to that point? It's worth it. The beginning is very strong, almost coming out from a completely different movie but moves to play a one-note fish-out-of-water joke of a 1700's vampire in 1972; but you know, I thought this joke worked well at times. Some of the better jokes were revealed in the trailer while other jokes are hit-and-miss; such as Barnabas mistaking Alice Cooper for being a female singer and is horrified when he performs "No More Mr. Nice Guy" in his home (note that if you look carefully, you can see cameo appearances from Johnathan Frid, Lara Parker David Shelby and Kathryn Leigh Scott, actors form the original show) saying aloud "That is the ugliest woman I have ever seen!" and a scene where Barnabas interacts with hippies where they misinterpret his dilemma as being deep philosophical messages. I've read reviews of people who don't think the jokes are that funny; to this I say, you know what, you pretty much know what I'm gonna say; seriously guys, lighten up and be more open than you give the film credit for because the show was not nearly as funny as this film plays itself out to be.
Is the screenplay perfect? Of course not, the show was crap and the Seth had to work with crap to make something that would reach out to today's audiences; the jokes will probably get old unless you can put yourself in that time frame and just sit back and go with the flow. Sure, there is a point at the end where the film is just running on fumes but mileage you at least used up should be satisfactory enough to pull through.

Characters:

Johnny Depp: No pun intended, but Johnny gives a deliciously engrossing performance. Say what you will about the story's pacing, but Johnny's performance as Barnabas Collins is the strongest thing this film has to offer. Even if you get annoyed by his attempts to adapt to the culture shock of 1972, his interactions with Michelle Pfeiffer are the juiciest slabs of acting you'll ever have the pleasure of watching. Every time Barnabas is onscreen, your attention is fully on him, his elegant proper English manner, his mannerism that derive from other famous Hollywood vampires from Count Orlock's fingers to Lugosi's posture to even some elements of Lee's charm (speaking of which, for real ciniphiles, prepare to squeal like a fangirl when you see Johnny Depp and Christopher Lee in the same scene for something that feels like looking in a 40-50 year mirror). To put it bluntly, he sells the show, his mannerism and expressions are priceless, his elegance is impeccable; clearly, this Depp/Burton team-up is still strong today and it shows.

Michelle Pfeiffer: It's so great to see Pfeiffer reunite with Tim Burton after they last worked together 20 years ago for "Batman Returns", I liked her a lot more than I expected to. Unlike many of the other characters in the film, she plays her role straight but with authority. When she is told by Barnabas that he is a vampire, she is clearly intimidated but she keeps her tough complexion regardless to keep up her position. She's strong but still keeps a level head when the sh*t hits the fan. Plus, how often do we get to see Pfeiffer wielding a shotgun? Not often enough in my opinion, to quote a certain badass "Shop Smart; shop S-Mart."

Eva Green: Hey everyone, remember when Eva Green played that sweet and nice hot Bond chick from "Casino Royale?" Did you ever want to see her play a sadistic slut? Well, now's your chance! She was so good at being despicable that I hated her form the minute I saw her. Hell, for most of the film, I mistook her for Anne Hathaway, but that would be too ironic since she's playing Catwoman in the upcoming Batman film and she wouldn't want to be caught dead in the same room with the REAL Catwoman, Michelle Pfeiffer (screw all of you, Michelle will always be the real Catwoman to me). But regardless, her performance leaves me rather cold as I feel there was nothing for me to feel bad for her or even feel anything for her apart from disgust, offering nothing complex outside of just being someone who wanted to be loved. Nothing much offered, nothing much gained.

Chloë Grace Moretz: I thought she was going to be the most interesting character in the film, but turns out, she's the least interesting character in the whole film. She just bitches and moans about how nobody understands her while just sitting in her room all day listening to the current rock stars of the time, from Black Sabbath to T. Rex. Sure, she gets her share of funny lines like "I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker." but I found her to just be a bitch with very little reason to be so outside of some incredibly stupid reason that's not brought up until the ending that adds to the contrivance of the ending. I miss the Grace Moretz that was in "Hugo," hopefully this girl can find more interesting roles in the future.

Bella Heathcote: Again, another really uninteresting character who has so much given to her backstory but by the end, you find yourself caring less and you just wanna say "yeah, yeah, that's nice honey, now leave me alone." She has some backstory about a mental institution but it's never touched upon again and we never see her again until the ending which feels like a middle finger forced down your throat. I found myself caring so little about her.

Helena Bonham Carter: I have to wonder if Tim Burton is regretting having Bonham Carter as his spouse because (Spoiler alert incoming*) he seems to keep killing her in his movies. She was burned alive in "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" by Johnny Depp and she was already dead in "Corpse Bride" and if you have a gambling thing going on with your friends if she'll die in this film (SPOILER! SPOILER!)_shedoes(SPOILER OVER).What is interesting is that she manages to adopt an American accent for this film when not 2 years back, she had a proper English accent. The strangest thing she's sprouted in this film is a blazing-red head of hair despite her pale skin; odd, yes; out of pace, certainly, but this wouldn't be a Tim Burton film if it wasn't in the film. Does she help the plot any? Not so much, she just drinks, gives a blood transfusion to Barnabas (oh that's not all she gives him…) while he watches Scooby-Doo and then….yep, that's it. Huh…now that I think about it, Burton probably could have hired anyone else and they could have done the job. Eh, guess he just wanted an excuse to put Helena and Johnny back together even though they probably must see each other every week, considering that Johnny is the godfather to Burton's kids. But I'm getting off track.
Everyone else wasn't really memorable, the guy playing Roger Collins was a dick, the kid playing David is just weird, Jackie Earle Hayley has his moments as Willie but he made me think of Argus Filch from Harry Potter, only less magical and creepy. Really, the stronger of the cast is Johnny Depp, who clearly had an ambition to play this character and he's worth the ticket price, everyone is hit and miss.

Production: Well, it's a Tim Burton film, let's bring in the usual suspects, shall we? Rick Heinrichs, production/set designer for "Sleepy Hollow" and"Edward Scissorhands," Colleen Atwood, costume designer who received an Oscar last year for "Alice in Wonderland" and has been doing the costumes for Burton's films since "Edward Scissorhands" and "Ed Wood,"Chris Lebenzon, film editor who's been editing for Burton since "Batman Returns" and "Ed Wood" also serves as an executive producer for "Dark Shadows" and let's not forget, Danny Elfman, former songwriter for Oingo Boingo and film composer for all of Burton's works minus his produced films and "Ed Wood," all mentioned folks make their marks to create the visual world of Tim Burton. Where storytelling may have failed in this film, the production may hopefully entice you to stay in your seat as the visuals are as surreal as any Burton film, but they're a step-up from the cheap production of the original show, that was so cheap you could see the boom mike get into the shot once too many. Here, the money clearly goes into the incredible details from Collinwood Manor to the details to create the authentic feel of the 1970's, look carefully and you may notice a movie theater playing the Burt Reynolds film "Deliverance" (though this film is taking place in October and "Deliverance" was originally released on July 30th). 

It captures the gothic feel the cheap production managed to capture in 1966-71 and goes beyond that while the use of 70's tunes from "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Alice Cooper, "You're The First, The Last, My Everything" by Barry White and a cover of "Go All The Way" by The Killers can even be heard. It may be distracting to some, but mood-settling to me since I'm a music-lover, however, this comes at a cost where you barely even pay attention to Danny's score, which disappointed me since I kept expecting to hear the Dark Shadows theme from the show but never once heard it event hough there are plenty of shots of waves crashing onto the rocky shore.
Regardless, a solid production keeps this film afloat to instill the gothic feel of the original show as well as the 1970's setting, is it corny? Maybe so, but those were the 70's after all.

Bottom Line: I have no idea why people are being too harsh on this film while they're just glancing over the pros; the production is the strongest suit here and Johnny Depp's performance is mesmerizing. While he is wandering aimlessly trying to find something of a cohesive plot, it's only confusing if you haven't done the research like I have about the original show (no TVs were broken while "studying" this soap opera) and I managed to follow through with it just fine. The only time the story got aimless was the ending, it brings in all these elements that are built-up or barely looked upon and then just thrown in just to serve as the conclusion to the conflict which nearly made me swear out loud in the theater. Tim Burton's Worst Film? Heavens no."Alice in Wonderland" is his worst in my opinion, this film at least isn't trying to play out a gimmick with a weak story, this film entertained me and I wasn't disappointed in seeing it. If this is not how you want to start off your summer, go see "The Avengers" to bring in the summer bang, if not, give this film a try and f*ck what the Critics out there are saying because this film should be seen by anyone whose interested in this genre of film or by Tim Burton.

Final Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Until next time, I'll continue to stoke the fires for when we burn through celluloid.