Down By Law

Released in 1986 under the direction of Jim Jarmusch and originally distributed by Island Pictures on a budget of $1,100,000; "Down By Law" is an independent prison escape film that, typical of Jim Jarmusch films, takes a familiar genre but uses a different approach to the material to focus solely on the character. Long time readers of my reviews will remember a review I wrote in January 2011 for the Johnny Depp film "Dead Man" as I described it as being interesting to watch and praised them but rather long and tiresome for the mindset of someone who hadn't began the intense film immersion course. Well, it's been a long time I think it's time I came back to Jim. A real home-grown independent film-maker; Jarmusch dropped out of film school and opened the gates of independent cinema with the Cannes Film Festival favorite and Criterion Collection film "Stranger Than Paradise," there, he ignored the call to the mainstream and continued to create films that dealt with the concept of identity, alienation, and cultural confrontations that clash with the societal norm. such films include "Mystery Train," "Night on Earth," "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai" and "Broken Flowers" as well as the aforementioned "Dead Man." Today's film is such an indie film that not only gave Jarmusch more recognition in the indie scene but also helped to introduce future Oscar-Winner Roberto Benigni to American audiences as well as allowing Jarmusch team up with long-running cinematographer Robby Muller. With that said, let's shackle up for "Down By Law."

Plot: Three men are incarcerated into the Orleans Parish Prison, Jack (John Lurie who also starred in "Stranger Than Paradise") is a pimp who is sold out to the police after being tricked to fornicate with an underaged girl, Zack (Tom Waits) is a radio personality who is set up by a drug dealer while trying to drive a car across town, unknowingly carrying a victim, and Roberto (Roberto Benigni) an Italian imprisoned for murder (though due to his lack of understanding the English language, his story could possibly be a figment of his lack of being able to explain it precisely). Roberto tells his cellmates of his plan to escape and it's not long before the three are on the run through the Louisiana swamp. On their way to freedom, they come across a road-side cafe where they meet Nicoletta (Nicoletta Braschi Benigni's real-life wife) who willingly houses them and falls in love with Roberto. Zack and Jack continue on without Roberto who has decided to stay with Nicoletta, the two men come across a fork in the road and split away, but hesitant to do so initially.

Jarmusch has always been a director with unconventional ways. His movie typically tend to look at his subjects as very lonely people and he commonly uses the audience's imagination to allow them to fill in the gaps. This movie could have been another run of the mill prison escape movie, but it's use of cutting to black before returning to the film shows a sense of time from a week to two hours or even 10 minutes. Jarmusch does this not because of limitation from his budget, but by choice. We, as a film-going audience, have seen prison escape movies and he chooses to not make the escape the central focus, but the characters on the run it's focus. Some years ago, I would have said this movie was really boring, but it's slow quiet pace has this effect that draws you in, just like "Dead Man" or "Stranger Than Paradise," he allows the imagery to speak for itself as well as the limited dialogue to only say what's important instead of just blabbering on. The dialogue, in this regard, is almost unimportant but meant to establish the characters more than progress the plot, which, I admit, on that note, the movie almost becomes a silent film, allowing the actors' physical actions tell the story. Jarmusch once said "the pauses to me are more important, really, than the words. Often the calm moment when people aren't saying anything is much more important than the dialogue." While I've always been partial to quiet moments in film, Jarmusch makes it work here.

Characters:

John Lurie: Lurie's character is a very active aggressive kind of guy. He views himself as the leader but often butts heads with Zack when they are both lost in the swamps.In most prison escape films, he would the more relatable protagonist, since we see his life before incarceration and his vices of being a pimp. But he's also imperfect as he shows little patience for others and puts himself higher than others. Coincidentally, John Lurie and Tom Waits provided the movie's soundtrack.

Tom Waits: Waits is more passive aggressive in his role, he tends to think more ahead than for the moment, who is perhaps why he and Lurie's character butt heads in this movie. Not much else I can say but he does a damn good job and his scratchy singing voice actually didn't bother me as I thought it would. I was also surprised when I looked up his filmography, turns out he played the Devil in "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus," isn't that interesting? Either way, good job Mr. Waits.

Roberto Benigni: I found it interesting that even though Roberto is the most foreign element of this three-man group, he's the glue that keeps them together. At one point in the film, Zack and Jack have had enough of each other so they split up, leaving Roberto alone, to bring them back, he cooks a rabbit. It's an interesting metaphor in this situation that it's the foreigner who speaks little english and requires a small book of English to help him speak to others that manages to be the voice of reason. Once he decides to stay with Nicoletta, the glue that held the two men from before together is gone and they split away going down to paths of the road. Most people remember Roberto for his crazy antics at the Academy Awards in 1999, but he's very reserved here, which works well in my opinion. He was probably my favorite character of this movie because he manages to elicit sympathy for his situation and you're not entirely sure if he actually committed the crime of manslaughter like he claimed to have done.

Production: As said before, Jarmusch is a man who uses the backgrounds and empty spaces to tell his story of lonely characters and the cinematography of Robby Muller shows the less than extravagant side of New Orleans and more of the run-down neighborhoods and mucky side of the swamps. The use of side tracking shots via boat, a typical trope that is seen in Jarmusch. This film cements this feeling of age through black and white and distills the color of nature to give the feeling of alienation in a wide spaces where trees can be seen for miles around. The music is also a very mysterious one, a combination of jazz with eerie worldly instrumentation plays without he idea of the familiar early on before moving out to the swamps where the unknown is shown as the characters wander the swamp to find a way out. The prison itself is just a cell, we don't see them going out into the prison yard at any point, any interaction we see of the characters takes place in their cell, which perfectly cements the limited space these characters are forced to live in in the middle of the movie.

Bottom Line: I like this movie, there, see? I can like something and still be constructive. This is not a film for everyone though, Jarmusch is a filmmaker who makes movies for himself instead of what people want to see. To really appreciate this movie, patience is required. It is slow, but it's slow pace allows you to take the time to appreciate the movie's finer points and themes. The characters are interesting, the cinematography looks beautiful in black and white and the music, while it's rather simplistic, boggles the imagination. 

If you want to expand your cinematic horizons, at least check out Jim Jarmusch's "Dead Man" and remember this, without Jim Jarmusch, there would be no Richard Linklater and there would be no Robert Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino.

Final Rating: 4/5

Elephant Review

"Yeah, you did, and I should shoot you right now for it, you know I should. But I think I just might let you live, maybe, because I want you to know this... and the next kids that come up to you with their problems... that they're being picked on, you should listen to them... no matter what twisted sh*t they say."

- Eric Deulen "Elephant"

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Released in 2003 under the direction of Gus Van Sant and distributed by Fine Line Features on a budget of $3 million; "Elephant" is the second film of Gus Van Sant's Death Trilogy. This Death Trilogy is a trio of films made by Gus Van Sant between 2002 - 2005, all of which loosely based on the deaths of actual people. "Gerry" (anybody who keeps their Brows Held High should be familiar with this one) is about the death of David Coughlin who went hiking with his friend where they got lost and wandered the desert and "Last Days" was based off the final days and suicide of musician Kurt Cobain. Today's film is based loosely off the Columbine High School Massacre, but this film in particular, was renown for receiving the Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival that year. Does it deserve that honor or is it just a pretentious reminder of the horror that occurred down in Colorado?

On a cloudy day in an unspecified suburban town, John (John Robinson) is being driven to school from his drunken father, causing him to be late and get in trouble with the principal. While walking to class, he runs into Elias (Elias McConnell) a photographer trying to build up his portfolio and poses for a picture while Michelle (Kristen Hicks) a young woman who is constantly teased by her peers for having an unattractive body, especially by bulimic gossipers Brittany, Jordan and Nichole (Brittany Mountain, Jordan Taylor and Nichole George), runs past them to head to the library. John leaves the school to check on his father when two students carrying heavy bags and wearing cam gear pass by, telling him that "Heavy sh*t's about to go down." The two young men who look like they are up to no good is Alex and Eric (Alex Frost and Eric Deulen), two students who have been bullied have been pushed to the brink where they have decided to purchase guns and set up propane bombs to go off. 

It's hard to really describe the story itself because there is no central character. There is no central protagonist for us to follow, in fact, the characters I mentioned above were just a few of the people Gus Van Sant chooses to follow and explore their characteristics. Since this is based on an actual event, we're pretty much just waiting for the inevitable. That is the major flaw for this film I think, you're going into this film already knowing what to expect since it was based on something that got media coverage for weeks. 

So then what can you expect to see in this movie? What you don't expect really.

The movie spends a lot of time following many of the teens around the school through lengthy steadicam tracking shots, anyone whose had to suffer through high school knows how walking from class to class can be a journey in itself through the large hallways, passing by students who may say hello and be friendly or whisper and gossip nasty things about you behind your back. It's a haunting and grim reminder of high school, a reminder of High School as a prison than "the best time of your life." The movie feels real, which is appropriate since many of the teenagers seen in this film were mainly non-professional actors or for some, this was their debut. 

The massacre itself is mostly kept in the dark since we hear gunfire and occasionally see someone getting shot, the movie wisely choosing to let our imaginations create those unpleasant images.

Since story is so simplistic, each character story is played one at a time, even running into one another as they walk throughout he hallways or across the fields culminates with the climactic shooting spree. You got the gossip girls, the photographer guy, the guy with family issues, a black guy and the two shooters themselves. The script itself wasn't written until production began so many of the teens you see in this film were told to improvise and were open to collaborate with Gus Van Sant during the production of the movie, from two teens throwing a frisbee back and forth to a guy break-dancing, those weren't in his script but Gus Van Sant included them to bring a sense of life in the movie.

The movie was filmed in Oregon on the Adams High School (or Whitaker Middle School according to Wikipedia) campus that had been closed down due to structural problems. I dunno about you, but it all looked fine to me, a shame too cause the school didn't look that broken, but I won't judge safety. Nevertheless, the simplistic locality brings a feeling or familiarity. Everyone has gone to High school at some point or another and this is made all the more offsetting to see these two young men waste their lives away as they attack their fellow students.

Bottom Line: Roger Ebert described the movie as being "chilling," and indeed it is rather chilling when you witness these two boys easily acquiring firearms online and in the mail. But the movie isn't trying to make a statement against gun violence, but to try and understand the issues with Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and their motivation for what they did. Even though the entirety of the movie's characters are limited down to just one scene of jocks throwing a spitball at Alex, the look on his face to this act tells all. "Elephant" is a profound movie that takes it's viewers back to the empty and lonesome time of high school to show, from several differing viewpoints, the impact of violence. I think I can see why this movie received the Palme d'Or for being unafraid to show this to audience still reeling from 9/11 and the Columbine Massacre.

Normally I would give this movie a rating, but, honestly, I feel you can't rate a horrible incident that actually happened on a 1-10 scale. All I can really do is say "good job Gus Van Sant," you made a movie no one wanted to make at a time when it was still too painful to really come around to talk about it." There were a lot of other movies about the Columbine Massacre at the time, but I can't help but feel Gus Van Sant captured the human element of high school from the perspective of the victims than the shooters. If you're curious to see this movie, you can find it on YouTube, just make sure you don't have anything planned if you have the patience to sit through it...

Epic review

Directed by Chris Wedge ("Robots") on a budget of $93 million with distribution from 20th Century Fox; "Epic" is the animated adventure story about a teenage girl who discovers a hidden world of tiny super-humans who battle ugly creatures who want nothing but to destroy the forest. What's that you say? That's the plot for "Ferngully: The Last Rainforest?" Well DUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Jesus H. Christ, what the hell did I do to deserve such tripe?! I could have seen Star Trek again and instead, I had to watch this load of sh-

The plot follows Mm-Kay (Amanda Seyfried) as she is forced to live with her eccentric dad (Jason Sudeikis) who believes there is a race of tiny people living in the woods. Naturally Mm-Kay doesn't believe him until she witnesses the death of the Queen Tara (Beyonce Knowles), the protector of the forest from the hands of the evil Mandrake (Christoph Waltz), leader of the Electric Boggans. Because she just happened to be around, Mm-Kay is shrunk down to the size of the Leaf-People. Being led by the leader, Ronin (Colin Farrell), she teams up with obvious love interest whom they will fall in love even though they practically know nothing about each other Nod (Josh Hutcherson), a leaf-man wannabe snail Grub (Chris O'Dowd) and a really unfunny slug hitting on Mm-Kay named Mud (Aziz Ansari). There's also a glowworm named Nim Galuu (Steven Tyler) and a gambling frog who's only in the movie for two scenes and he's voiced pointlessly by Pitbull. Noticing something here?

Word of the wise to future screenwriters: if your movie takes more than three people to write a screenplay, it's clearly going to suck. This movie graces us with five, one of which includes children author William Joyce, who not only wrote the original book this movie was based on, but also co-wrote a movie I enjoyed last year, "Rise of the Guardians."

So what the f*ck happened here?

This story is so predictable, you might as well bring a checklist of every screenwriting cliche and mark it off. The characters are boring, the voice acting sounds phoned-in so most of the time, you thought the voice-acting for "Battle for Terra" was bad? The voice-acting here sounds uninvolved and distant. Even the two characters who are meant to be our comic relief, they had me rolling my eyes and running my fingers through my hair in annoyance.

So now you would think the only saving grace of this movie would have been the visuals, but let me tell you, even they managed to fail here. The locations and the characters resemble Barbie dolls more than actual breathing human beings. Remember how wooden-looking the characters looked in that "Star Wars The Clone Wars" TV show? Yeah, they look horrible here. Even the colorful backgrounds resemble plastic trees you put in your house to hide the fact you can't grow for sh*t. The music in forgettable, which is saying something considering Danny Elfman has his name in the credits and I didn't even make that connection, not because it was so good that I hadn't noticed, but that it sounded so generic that I couldn't even tell the difference.

This is a bad movie, this is a movie that lowers itself to making sugar-high 6 year-olds laugh through dumb jokes, unfunny visual gags and an overdone story that can go and join the ranks of "Avatar," a movie that aims to look good but lacks originality. There was potential early on, mind you, Mm-Kay comes to her dad's house they reveal through dialogue that her mom has died and she is hoping her dad could give up on his quest so they could be a normal-functioning family. This one moment was the only piece of sincerity I felt from the characters throughout his whole movie and the opening battle where Nod flees a group of Boggans is intense as it portrays a sense of dread for falling at tall heights, but that all goes down the toilet the minute Beyonce appears on screen, then the movie goes down-hill from here.

This is not just a pretentious movie, it's a lazy one that doesn't put enough heart or originality to make a seasoned ciniphile give a fuck. "Rise of the Guardians" had a been-there done-that story, but it managed to keep my interest with fascinating characters. This movie is just for the little, little kids and nothing more. Parents, just take your kids to see "Star Trek Into Darkness" again, or better yet, just watch "Rise of the Guardians" at home, both are far more enjoyable to watch and feature interesting characters with believable effects.

Final Rating: 0/5 "Epic" is an Epic Failure.

If you can't wow me with your visual effects, give me an engaging story. If you can't give me an engaging story, distract me with pretty visuals. This movie failed in both categories.

Mark my words, unless I can find one even worse, this will be my Worst Movie of 2013. I'm dead serious.

The Great Gatsby 2013

Directed by Baz Luhrmann ("Moulin Rouge!") on a budget of $127 million with distribution from Warner Bros., "The Great Gatsby" is the fifth theatrical adaptation of the 1922 F. Scott Fitzgerald novel of the same name. Originally, the movie's release was planned for Winter of 2012 to coincide with Oscar Season, but it's release was delayed for summer to convert the movie into 3D and to draw in the summer crowd to make back the cost of this conversion. Judging from Luhrmann's track record of going overboard on visual frenetic imagery and the wild parties that were thrown back in the Roaring 20s, you'd think this could be a perfect marriage of the two elements.

The year is 1922, Nick Carraway (Toby McGuire) is a bonds salesman on Wall Street living in run-down servant quarters when he is invited over to his neighbor's fancy mansion for a party held by the mysterious, yet charming Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio). He is surprised to learn that Gatsby use to romance Nick's cousin, Daisy Buchanen (Carey Mulligan), five years ago and has become obsessed with winning her back. But, too bad for him, she's married to a wealthy polo player, Tom Buchanen (Joel Edgerton). The rest of the movie is no surprise if you were made to read the book back in high school like I was.

Let me come clean in saying I find the book to be as dull as KFC mashed potatoes. While I can respect that reader interest differs, I found the novel to be really dull. I came under the impression that the characters' melodramatic problems resemble a soap opera and barely felt realistic to a little ol' cinephile like myself. But that's my issue with the novel; how does Luhrmann's translation onto the silver screen play out? 

Many of the characters, with the exception of Gatsby himself, are rather shallow and feel one-dimensional. Not to say the actors' performances are bad, but the characters they play on the screen come off as superficial as the clothing they wear. The soundtrack is an odd mixture of an original score by Craig Armstrong with some contemporary tracks added into certain scenes. Take for instance several tracks by rapper Jay-Z, who is, by coincidence, an executive producer for the movie. The only thing this soundtrack needed to feel more out of place was Daft Punk or King Crimson.

What Luhrmann does do right however, is what plays to his strengths. Visually, he captures the look of New York during the Roaring Twenties and the frenetic editing works well for the party scenes early in the movie. The costuming is appropriate, DiCaprio manages to win you over with his smiling complexion, and the poetic imagery from the novel is captured nicely, even when other scenes were rewritten for dramatic reasons.

At the end of the day though, the movie is all stars and glitter, but without enough glue to hold it all together. Best advice; wait til DVD and skip the 3D.

Final Rating: 2.5/5

42

Directed by Brian Helgeland ("A Knight's Tale") on a budget of $40 million with distribution through Warner Bros. Pictures; "42" is the feel-good biopic about famed African-American major league baseball player Jackie Robinson and his break into the major leagues of baseball and his trials to overcome racism. Upon the movie's opening weekend, it broke records with $27.3 million on opening weekend, a record-breaking number in Baseball movie history. What is it about this movie that everyone loved that they had to see it?

In 1945, MLB Executive Wesley Branch Rickey (Harrison Ford), makes the scandalous decision to break the race barrier and allow an African-American to play baseball with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Looking through a roster of players, he chooses Kansas City Monarchs shortstop Jackie Robinson (Chadwick Boseman), a temperamental yet good-natured black man with a love for Baseball. He agrees to play for the Montreal Royals, but must promise to keep his cool despite the slanderous hatred he receives from opposition; not only from the viewing public, but from his own team mates.

As a biopic, the movie covers the major events reported in Jackie's career, this includes major stints such as the Ben Chapman incident (played here by Alan Tudyk) to even actual lines of dialogue said between Jackie Robinson and Wesley Rickey.

So then why does this movie hold 77% on Rotten Tomatoes?

Perhaps it's because the movie is too endearing and familiar for the more hardened sports movie fan?

Perhaps it's because it downplays the more brutal backlash against Jackie's career, namely the opposition by the KKK?

Or perhaps it's too wholesome and sentimental about it's portrayal of a sports legend?

Your guess is as good as mine because I personally enjoyed the movie.

Boseman gives a very down-to-earth and moving performance as Jackie, showing the confidence he holds for himself and the pain on his face as he has to avoid losing his temper. Ford is the real show-stealer here. He gives a very poignant performance to the role, one that will make any Indiana Jones fan ask "is that really Harrison Ford?" The rest of the cast do what the screenplay calls for them to do. I'm not entirely sure if they're completely faithful to the people they're portraying from real life but regardless, they give sympathy when the script calls for them to give Robinson sympathy and they're funny when it calls for comic relief.

I don't claim to be a sports fan and most information I know about Jackie Robinson, I had to research to understand his life and his career, some parts of it were omitted for the sake of pacing. The focus was on him as a baseball player overcoming racial hostilities, which is, admittedly, pretty inspiring and motivational. 

Solid casting and a well-paced story are the major selling points for the movie, ones you shouldn't miss out on. It is a shame though this movie couldn't come out sooner in the year for it to be eligible for Academy voters.

Final Rating: 3.5/5

Things I Learned From: 2012's 

The Lorax

….Let's get this one over with because…oh wow…I heard this was bad, but I had NO IDEA, just how bad it could have been… so here we go…the things I learned from Illumination Studio's "The Lorax."

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-Happy 100th Birthday Universal Studios.

-Don't let twinkles from "Despicable Me" cut down your tree, a fat bear will fall on them, but the white stuff won't come out.

-If an orange bushy-mustached koala bear steps out onto a stage to say that this story we are about to see actually happened, take his word for it, because a guy who looks like that can't be lying.

-There apparently exists a place that proudly states it's 100% inorganic and a made of plastic.

-Apparently in this world, the plants are inflated and everyone gets up every morning just to sing a music number.

-Cars apparently have one wheel that takes up the majority of the size of the vehicle, I'd hate to imagine how they keep their balance or what happens when they slam on the brakes.

-Trees require 96 D batteries to function, not car batteries or 4.5 volt batteries, just D batteries and 96 of them.

-It's not enough to show the Thneedville citizens are arrogant about the lack of air or where all the dangerous chemicals and garbage goes, they have to declare it in song.

-Praise the Lord for giving us a parking lot; this movie's environmentalism theme is about as subtle as a Captain Planet episode.

-F*ck you John Powell and Cinco Paul.

-Someone tell Aloysius O'Hare to fire his hair stylist.

-"Based on the book by Dr. Seuss." The poor man is spinning in his grave right now. 

-Blow a rhaspberry when saying Thneedville.

-Typical of musicals, have large groups of people join in on a huge song only to go back to their daily lives as though nothing's happened.

-This 12 year old kid sounds older than he looks.

-If you're a girl opening the door to someone, have a shining light behind you and flip your hair to make yourself look heavenly.

-Paint trees that don't seem to exist and no one else has ever heard of all over the back of your house, I'm sure your parents won't mind. 

-"The touch of their tufts was much softer than anything other than silk and they had the sweet smell of fresh butterfly milk." "Wow! what does that even mean?" For a movie that claims to be paying homage to the works of Doctor Seuss, you sure don't hesitate on taking pot-shots on the man's writing style.

-Apparently, trees are the way to a girl's heart, not flowers or jewelry or candy or just being a sweet person, just trees.

-Apparently, veggies are replaced with plastic…or jello, I dunno.

-You know you're a great parent when you're mother who doesn't really know what a real tree is supposed to do, superficiality at it's finest.

-The new tree model comes with a remote that changes with the seasons and also has a disco function, in the words of Ted, "Oh it hurts mom, please stop."

-Betty White knows where to find a tree, for Betty White knows ALL!!

-In a plastic world where nothing is organic, snails thrive in your backyard.

-Business execs who pitch an idea for O'Hare to make even more money, this is about as subtle as James Cameron's "Avatar."

-"If you put something in a plastic bottle, people will buy it!" This movie is definitely made for really young children…if said children were really stupid…

-"The more smog in the sky, the more people will buy!" Perfect business logic, but what happens if the consumers of your product die? Then whose left to buy your stuff?

-Lock the door from the inside of the wall going out but don't lock the door on the outside of your wall going inside the town.

-For a lack of clean air outside the town, it's amazing this kid can still breathe.

-Push a doorbell and out comes a giant hammer; the Once-ler must have made that for Jehovah Witnesses.

-Flashback time! Doodley-doo! Doodley-doo! Doodley-doo!

-If your family members mock you for trying to sell your invention, you should have left the house a long time ago.

-Goldfish that walk on land and sing in high-pitched voices, why can't you find them in aquariums?

-A complete stranger whom these bears have never met before are more than willing to join in his random song.

-When you're about to be killed by forest animals, bring huge bundles of marshmallows, cause that'll distract them.

-When you tell stories to teens, include pointless musical numbers to keep their attention.

-It's not enough for the Lorax to just come out of the tree stump, the wrath of God has to ensue first before that happens.

-Place rocks around a tree stump, cause that's SO NOT a tree-hugger thing.

-If a short mustachio'd orange koala bear comes up to you asking if you cut down a tree, put the blame on someone else immediately.

-The Lorax & Once-ler Screwball Show, the less funny alternative to Tom & Jerry.

-Here's a lesson for future film-makers: stop the flashback just to pad the movie out longer.

-When you have dreams of this girl you're crushing on, do it in the style of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, only more over-the-top and not as charming.

-Does this kid ever go to school?

-Betty White, the funniest grandmother you'd ever want.

-Breathe air from a soda can, an idea that totally wasn't stolen from "Spaceballs."

-"So I hear you've become interested in trees?" "How did you know about that?" "There's not a lot that goes on in Thneedville that I don't know about." Then why don't you know why he's become interested in trees then?

-O'Hare's threats are less threatening than that of the Corleone Family's.

-Leave the city despite being notified that there are cameras everywhere.

-Find nothing creepy about a 12 year-old boy trying to hit on a high school girl.

-The Mission Impossible theme sung by fish... yes, it is actually really annoying.

-Where the hell would a running river and waterfall exist in this valley and how could you forget that it was there?

-Save the person you were trying to dispose of from your valley.

-Cute animals are all you need to compromise a deal between a human and these odd-ball weirdos.

-"What are you doing here?" An excellent question indeed.

-The Once-ler is rather prissy, I don't remember him being like that in the book.

-Little girls are strong enough to take your guitar and smash it, at least in real life, when you try to sell something, people are polite enough to say no.

-A line of people getting tomatoes to throw at someone, do I detect a frame ripping off "Airplane!" or am I just over-reacting?

-The Once-ler makes pancakes, didn't IHOP promote this movie?

-Be desperate enough to go see someone despite your doorway being sealed off, removing your chance to return back home.

-Orange koala bears should pick fights with obese women.

-Make big plans to sell a product when you only made one.

-Don't give rednecks axes.

-Time for another obnoxious hip-hop song, is he still telling his story to that kid or did he regress into his memory and he forgot the kid was there?

-Sing about how much money you're making through deforestation, I don't think you've made your environmental message clear enough. This is about as subtle as "Ferngully: The Last Rainforest."

-"Why don't you use your quote, unquote powers to stop me?" Another excellent question from an idiot.

-Immediately halt production after chopping down your final tree.

-The only part of the book this movie got right: showing the aftermath of the Once-ler's deforestation.

-Pinch your ass to float away into the sky.

-Give a snail shell-like seed to a kid who lives in a place where there is no dirt to even plant a tree.

-Instead of ending the movie right here with the ambiguity and sense of hope of making a difference like the book did, keep going and ruin the sense of optimism the original had.

-Ted's mother not only has a bad fashion sense and a bad taste in music, but also has a bad sense of humor.

-Apparently, the most powerful man in town has the right to barge into your room without a warrant.

-Betty White; a super stealthy ninja.

-Don't mess with a disco mom who is stuck in the 70's.

-You can obviously see Ted isn't in the back seat with certain camera shots, so why treat it like a surprise when they find he's not in there?

-A game of "Back and Forth" ensues to continue to pad out the movie's running time.

-"Seriously, how cool is your grandma?" I couldn't agree more.

-Stuff happens to pad out the movie.

-Slow mo stuff happens to pad out the movie.

-Betty White takes control of an earth-digger, if her head was on fire and she turned it into a hellspawn earth-digger, then this movie would awesome.

-"Trees produce fresh air for free." Seriously, how is it a high school girl, a businessman and an old lady are the only people who know that?

-"Photosynthesis is a made-up word!" For the love of God, have any of these people even gone to school?

-To prove your point, use an earth-digger to smash a wall and not get arrested for property damage.

-The citizens of Thneedville are the most easily led crowd since the Heaven's Gate cult.

-If your boss orders you to sway the people on his side, do it in song.

-"Let it Grow Song" why does this song sound like the Christian song "This Little Light of Mine" only more poorly written?

-I'm pretty sure you're out of a job if you send your boss flying out of the city.

-Apparently in the span of 20 minutes, the truffula seed has not only sprouted some green leaves, but also a tiny bit of truft.

-The Once-ler's fashion sense hasn't changed in all those years, even gone as far as to grow a thick mustache.

-The Lorax is Jesus for he hast returned on the mortal plane!

-"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not. -Dr. Seuss" Oh screw you, you hypocritical movie!

-End with dancing animals being amusing and a terrible hip-hop song.

-Show us all this horrible computer animation only to resort to showing the original pictures from Doctor's Seuss' classic book, something we could be reading and spending less time doing I might add.

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Final Rating 1/5

Wow…just wow…I never thought it was possible, but I found a more insulting movie than "The Cat in the Hat." This is a really awful and annoying movie that panders to the lowest common denominator to entertain very young children, why else would they else have to force the optimistic message of the book to be a heavy-handed beating that you should protect the environment. But unless you you have a short attention span, I distinctly remember all these big-name corporations that promoted the movie heavily, from IHOP to Mazda SUV's, Whole Foods Grocery, Comcast XFinity, Seventh Generation household products and Hilton Doubletree Hotel. Most of these are Corporate companies, something that this movie angrily criticizes, yet how big of a hypocrite are you to denounce one thing but promote the same exact thing you're criticizing?! 

There are far better and more subtle ways to tell people not to pollute the environment, writing songs that have characters saying they could care less about polluting the environment and forcing a corporate superficial villain is not how you do it. 

I've never been more insulted by a movie since "Stay Alive" but where that film insulted my video game self, this movie insults my childhood. Oh yeah, the next time anyone says "The Phantom Menace ruined my childhood" then you didn't grow up with Dr. Seuss like I did, this movie is so superficial and badly put together, it begs the question, if they didn't have any confidence in the original source material to carry the movie, why bother to make it into a movie at all.

I only gave it 1 point for two things: the world of the Truffula Valley and Betty White. Visually, the world looks great and the animation done on the Truffula trees makes them look for more realistic than the human characters, who move around too cartoonishly for my liking. Betty White really made the movie and carried the movie better than Zac Efron did. 

The songs were awful, the story was badly put together, the characters were obnoxious the majority of the time. I hated this movie, I never want to even remember this movie exists.