Things I Learned From: 2012's 

The Lorax

….Let's get this one over with because…oh wow…I heard this was bad, but I had NO IDEA, just how bad it could have been… so here we go…the things I learned from Illumination Studio's "The Lorax."

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-Happy 100th Birthday Universal Studios.

-Don't let twinkles from "Despicable Me" cut down your tree, a fat bear will fall on them, but the white stuff won't come out.

-If an orange bushy-mustached koala bear steps out onto a stage to say that this story we are about to see actually happened, take his word for it, because a guy who looks like that can't be lying.

-There apparently exists a place that proudly states it's 100% inorganic and a made of plastic.

-Apparently in this world, the plants are inflated and everyone gets up every morning just to sing a music number.

-Cars apparently have one wheel that takes up the majority of the size of the vehicle, I'd hate to imagine how they keep their balance or what happens when they slam on the brakes.

-Trees require 96 D batteries to function, not car batteries or 4.5 volt batteries, just D batteries and 96 of them.

-It's not enough to show the Thneedville citizens are arrogant about the lack of air or where all the dangerous chemicals and garbage goes, they have to declare it in song.

-Praise the Lord for giving us a parking lot; this movie's environmentalism theme is about as subtle as a Captain Planet episode.

-F*ck you John Powell and Cinco Paul.

-Someone tell Aloysius O'Hare to fire his hair stylist.

-"Based on the book by Dr. Seuss." The poor man is spinning in his grave right now. 

-Blow a rhaspberry when saying Thneedville.

-Typical of musicals, have large groups of people join in on a huge song only to go back to their daily lives as though nothing's happened.

-This 12 year old kid sounds older than he looks.

-If you're a girl opening the door to someone, have a shining light behind you and flip your hair to make yourself look heavenly.

-Paint trees that don't seem to exist and no one else has ever heard of all over the back of your house, I'm sure your parents won't mind. 

-"The touch of their tufts was much softer than anything other than silk and they had the sweet smell of fresh butterfly milk." "Wow! what does that even mean?" For a movie that claims to be paying homage to the works of Doctor Seuss, you sure don't hesitate on taking pot-shots on the man's writing style.

-Apparently, trees are the way to a girl's heart, not flowers or jewelry or candy or just being a sweet person, just trees.

-Apparently, veggies are replaced with plastic…or jello, I dunno.

-You know you're a great parent when you're mother who doesn't really know what a real tree is supposed to do, superficiality at it's finest.

-The new tree model comes with a remote that changes with the seasons and also has a disco function, in the words of Ted, "Oh it hurts mom, please stop."

-Betty White knows where to find a tree, for Betty White knows ALL!!

-In a plastic world where nothing is organic, snails thrive in your backyard.

-Business execs who pitch an idea for O'Hare to make even more money, this is about as subtle as James Cameron's "Avatar."

-"If you put something in a plastic bottle, people will buy it!" This movie is definitely made for really young children…if said children were really stupid…

-"The more smog in the sky, the more people will buy!" Perfect business logic, but what happens if the consumers of your product die? Then whose left to buy your stuff?

-Lock the door from the inside of the wall going out but don't lock the door on the outside of your wall going inside the town.

-For a lack of clean air outside the town, it's amazing this kid can still breathe.

-Push a doorbell and out comes a giant hammer; the Once-ler must have made that for Jehovah Witnesses.

-Flashback time! Doodley-doo! Doodley-doo! Doodley-doo!

-If your family members mock you for trying to sell your invention, you should have left the house a long time ago.

-Goldfish that walk on land and sing in high-pitched voices, why can't you find them in aquariums?

-A complete stranger whom these bears have never met before are more than willing to join in his random song.

-When you're about to be killed by forest animals, bring huge bundles of marshmallows, cause that'll distract them.

-When you tell stories to teens, include pointless musical numbers to keep their attention.

-It's not enough for the Lorax to just come out of the tree stump, the wrath of God has to ensue first before that happens.

-Place rocks around a tree stump, cause that's SO NOT a tree-hugger thing.

-If a short mustachio'd orange koala bear comes up to you asking if you cut down a tree, put the blame on someone else immediately.

-The Lorax & Once-ler Screwball Show, the less funny alternative to Tom & Jerry.

-Here's a lesson for future film-makers: stop the flashback just to pad the movie out longer.

-When you have dreams of this girl you're crushing on, do it in the style of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, only more over-the-top and not as charming.

-Does this kid ever go to school?

-Betty White, the funniest grandmother you'd ever want.

-Breathe air from a soda can, an idea that totally wasn't stolen from "Spaceballs."

-"So I hear you've become interested in trees?" "How did you know about that?" "There's not a lot that goes on in Thneedville that I don't know about." Then why don't you know why he's become interested in trees then?

-O'Hare's threats are less threatening than that of the Corleone Family's.

-Leave the city despite being notified that there are cameras everywhere.

-Find nothing creepy about a 12 year-old boy trying to hit on a high school girl.

-The Mission Impossible theme sung by fish... yes, it is actually really annoying.

-Where the hell would a running river and waterfall exist in this valley and how could you forget that it was there?

-Save the person you were trying to dispose of from your valley.

-Cute animals are all you need to compromise a deal between a human and these odd-ball weirdos.

-"What are you doing here?" An excellent question indeed.

-The Once-ler is rather prissy, I don't remember him being like that in the book.

-Little girls are strong enough to take your guitar and smash it, at least in real life, when you try to sell something, people are polite enough to say no.

-A line of people getting tomatoes to throw at someone, do I detect a frame ripping off "Airplane!" or am I just over-reacting?

-The Once-ler makes pancakes, didn't IHOP promote this movie?

-Be desperate enough to go see someone despite your doorway being sealed off, removing your chance to return back home.

-Orange koala bears should pick fights with obese women.

-Make big plans to sell a product when you only made one.

-Don't give rednecks axes.

-Time for another obnoxious hip-hop song, is he still telling his story to that kid or did he regress into his memory and he forgot the kid was there?

-Sing about how much money you're making through deforestation, I don't think you've made your environmental message clear enough. This is about as subtle as "Ferngully: The Last Rainforest."

-"Why don't you use your quote, unquote powers to stop me?" Another excellent question from an idiot.

-Immediately halt production after chopping down your final tree.

-The only part of the book this movie got right: showing the aftermath of the Once-ler's deforestation.

-Pinch your ass to float away into the sky.

-Give a snail shell-like seed to a kid who lives in a place where there is no dirt to even plant a tree.

-Instead of ending the movie right here with the ambiguity and sense of hope of making a difference like the book did, keep going and ruin the sense of optimism the original had.

-Ted's mother not only has a bad fashion sense and a bad taste in music, but also has a bad sense of humor.

-Apparently, the most powerful man in town has the right to barge into your room without a warrant.

-Betty White; a super stealthy ninja.

-Don't mess with a disco mom who is stuck in the 70's.

-You can obviously see Ted isn't in the back seat with certain camera shots, so why treat it like a surprise when they find he's not in there?

-A game of "Back and Forth" ensues to continue to pad out the movie's running time.

-"Seriously, how cool is your grandma?" I couldn't agree more.

-Stuff happens to pad out the movie.

-Slow mo stuff happens to pad out the movie.

-Betty White takes control of an earth-digger, if her head was on fire and she turned it into a hellspawn earth-digger, then this movie would awesome.

-"Trees produce fresh air for free." Seriously, how is it a high school girl, a businessman and an old lady are the only people who know that?

-"Photosynthesis is a made-up word!" For the love of God, have any of these people even gone to school?

-To prove your point, use an earth-digger to smash a wall and not get arrested for property damage.

-The citizens of Thneedville are the most easily led crowd since the Heaven's Gate cult.

-If your boss orders you to sway the people on his side, do it in song.

-"Let it Grow Song" why does this song sound like the Christian song "This Little Light of Mine" only more poorly written?

-I'm pretty sure you're out of a job if you send your boss flying out of the city.

-Apparently in the span of 20 minutes, the truffula seed has not only sprouted some green leaves, but also a tiny bit of truft.

-The Once-ler's fashion sense hasn't changed in all those years, even gone as far as to grow a thick mustache.

-The Lorax is Jesus for he hast returned on the mortal plane!

-"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not. -Dr. Seuss" Oh screw you, you hypocritical movie!

-End with dancing animals being amusing and a terrible hip-hop song.

-Show us all this horrible computer animation only to resort to showing the original pictures from Doctor's Seuss' classic book, something we could be reading and spending less time doing I might add.

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Final Rating 1/5

Wow…just wow…I never thought it was possible, but I found a more insulting movie than "The Cat in the Hat." This is a really awful and annoying movie that panders to the lowest common denominator to entertain very young children, why else would they else have to force the optimistic message of the book to be a heavy-handed beating that you should protect the environment. But unless you you have a short attention span, I distinctly remember all these big-name corporations that promoted the movie heavily, from IHOP to Mazda SUV's, Whole Foods Grocery, Comcast XFinity, Seventh Generation household products and Hilton Doubletree Hotel. Most of these are Corporate companies, something that this movie angrily criticizes, yet how big of a hypocrite are you to denounce one thing but promote the same exact thing you're criticizing?! 

There are far better and more subtle ways to tell people not to pollute the environment, writing songs that have characters saying they could care less about polluting the environment and forcing a corporate superficial villain is not how you do it. 

I've never been more insulted by a movie since "Stay Alive" but where that film insulted my video game self, this movie insults my childhood. Oh yeah, the next time anyone says "The Phantom Menace ruined my childhood" then you didn't grow up with Dr. Seuss like I did, this movie is so superficial and badly put together, it begs the question, if they didn't have any confidence in the original source material to carry the movie, why bother to make it into a movie at all.

I only gave it 1 point for two things: the world of the Truffula Valley and Betty White. Visually, the world looks great and the animation done on the Truffula trees makes them look for more realistic than the human characters, who move around too cartoonishly for my liking. Betty White really made the movie and carried the movie better than Zac Efron did. 

The songs were awful, the story was badly put together, the characters were obnoxious the majority of the time. I hated this movie, I never want to even remember this movie exists.