The Worst Movies of 2013 Part 2

Part two is here, bring the next five prisoners up to the chopping block. But here are the dishonorable ones that get to rot in the dungeons:

-Oldboy 
I almost put this on the list just because it wasn't up to par with the original 2003 Park Chan-wook film (which, I would like to add, he directed his first English-speaking film this year, "Stoker"). But then, there was a detail I had failed to notice before; "Oldboy" was actually based on a manga series from the 90's that was, essentially, almost violence-free.
I would have basically been knocking on a violent yet tame American remake of a very violent Korean film that was based off a tame and violent-free Japanese manga.
The American remake doesn't really do anything different than it's Korean predecessor, but for that detail, it felt unfair to criticize a movie just for not being as violent as it's Korean counterpart.
-The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
I wanted to put this on the list for being pretty much the same movie, only with a bigger budget. But, I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't say I gave a rat's ass about the main characters this time around and actually found myself liking the side characters than the last one. From what I hear, the next movie will be different, good, but did it have to be split into two parts?
-A Haunted House
I can see why people wanted me to put this on my list of Worst Movies, but, when I compared it to "Scary Movie V," "A Haunted House" feels a little more consistent. Sure, it's dumb, but instead of choosing to spoof all these differing genres of movies that are popular, the Wayans choose to focus on one subgenre: the Found Footage Horror movie as was seen in "Paranormal Activity" and "The Devil Inside." Sure, it's chalk-full of stereotypes and the ending is REALLY stupid, but I admit, the movie does seem to have a better understanding of having something to say about the genre it's making fun of rather than Scary Movie V.
Plus, I would be lying if I didn't say I found the pot-smoking scene with the two main characters and the demon pretty funny, only for the idea of a demon getting high and just playing games with his victims, like dragging them down the hallway as Marlon Wayans says "it was awesome!" Though I am dreading the sequel that was announced for this year.
-Gangster Squad
Not a bad film per se, but nothing that really stood out to make it worth seeing in theaters. If you were smart and waited til DVD to rent it, you did yourself a favor.
-Olympus Has Fallen
Isn't it funny the same year we get a horrible Die Hard movie, we get two Die Hard rip-offs set in the White House?
And yet, only one of them gets a pardon from the governor to come off death row, this movie gets the pardon.
Why?
Because it's so ludicrous, so over-the-top, so dumb that the movie revels in it every waking second that is becomes so bad, that it's good.
It doesn't try to shoehorn any jingoist messages about America, it doesn't try to make it seem that this could be possible; it's just a movie that knows it's stupid and it only wants nothing more than to entertain than piss you off.

Well, those movies have the pardon, it's time to bring more victims to the chopping block...


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15. Carrie

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 

Sometimes, a remake can work, if it is going to do something different with it's source material.

This movie's only modern update is including cell phones and social media.

Everything else from the pig's blood to the religiously crazed mother, not even changed to try and keep up with current times.

I won't pretend that bullying is an issue that is still prevalent in this day in age, it's an issue that millions of young people have suffered through for generation after generation. Stephen King himself even openly stated that "high school is hell and the further down the ladder you are, the more like hell it becomes and for kids like Carrie it's really like the 9th Circle of Hell."

And we got a movie that took the words of Stephen King, while taking some liberties to omit certain characters that didn't have a big impact to the overall story. It was directed by Brian De Palma ("Scarface," "The Untouchables," "Mission: Impossible") and released in 1976, formally introducing the movie-going audience to the dark imagination of Stephen King but also presenting a fantasy for the victims of bullying.

The director for this movie is Kimberly Peirce, the director and writer of "Boys Don't Cry." So by that information, having her direct a remake of Carrie and focus on the feeling of isolation and suffering Carrie deals with should have been a plus.

Here's the problem. The movie isn't trying to be it's own thing, in fact, it seems to feel less confident with it's own source material that it has to directly lift visual cues from the original film.

14. Safe Haven

I'd like to propose a drinking game to play for every Nicholas Sparks adaptation that comes to theaters every one to two years.

Take a shot if:

-The main love interests meet on a beach or near any open source of water.

-The main female character is troubled by something in her life or is in a bad situation in her life.

-The male love character is always good-looking but has a dark secret from his past that makes him "conflicted."

-Love and other magical bullsh*t.

-Some minor character dies and it changes the direction of the story ("Nights in Rodanthe" doesn't count so you don't need to take a drink in that case)

-Finish your drink if, regardless of the story, the main love interests end up together regardless or if the female overcomes whatever problems she had before and moves on with her life.

-Throw your drink at the movie screen whenever the movie has someone who is a decent enough actor who demeaned themselves on the screen for money.

Congratulations, you are now piss-drunk and have gone in for a tattoo of One Direction on your limb while wearing nail polish and a thong.

Or maybe that's just me on Thursdays during Happy Hour.

All the typical cliches, only with an insufferable level of acting and a derivative storyline that offers no surprises, this is the kind of movie you'd watch if you have a boy/girlfriend who doesn't watch as many movies as I do and you just want to get in her/his pants. If that is the case, I suggest a good porno than this guy's crap, sure, the formula for pornos are all the same, but you're at least getting your money's worth…unless it's a really crappy porno like "Big Trouble in Little Vagina" or "A Clockwork Orgy…"I haven't seen those, I just googled "worst pornos" and those were the results….shut up…

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, screw this movie.

13. R.I.P.D.

How to properly describe "R.I.P.D." to an average movie-goer:

Take the plot of "Men in Black" and the Deado-hunting of "Ghostbusters" and include two truly unlikable main characters and you got the movie.

And in all honesty, the idea doesn't sound THAT bad of an idea for a summer movie; undead police officers who operate in the mortal world to hunt undead, it's an idea that has potential, it's just not very well implemented here. With a lower budget and or perhaps place emphasis on the idea of the afterlife as a bureaucracy. You know, question the motives of their superiors by unceremoniously sending the souls they shoot to hell without hearing their side of the story for why they disobeyed afterlife laws. It could have raised some interesting questions about religion and what justifies "earning your way to heaven." Perhaps information could be revealed about the corruption of theology as a whole and force the main character to take a hard look at himself and question what it truly means to be "a good person."

But questions like that would force an audience to think and clearly, summer movies aren't supposed to do that.

But I will say some of the movie's criticism towards it is rather excessive: "the worst comic book adaptation since Jonah Hex?" Okay, that's going a little too far, "Catwoman" is far worse than "R.I.P.D." but I would go as far to say that it's one of the most uninspired comic book movies in recent memory. So much so that I totally forgot that I had even seen the movie.

In fact, I can't remember what I was talking about….that's this movie, it leaves so little an impact that you can easily forget about it and move on.

12. Getaway

The title just says it all, "get away" from this movie.

Not to be confused with the Grand Theft Auto rip-off video game "The Getaway," this "Getaway" is a movie where a race car driver just speeds around the city, screwing with cops while causing gratuitous destruction.

I take that back, this movie is one big Grand Theft Auto rip-off.

A car chase can be cool in movies and this movie does have some impressive stunts with the cars, but the stunts just keep going on and on and on to the point that you just them to take a break and try to focus on the characters and story. 

But instead, the movie is constantly on the go, it has to keep driving, it's worried that if it tries to slow down, people will realize just how stupid the plot actually is. So what else can you do? Just keep on driving, get those cop cars to crash into one another, Blues Brothers style baby!

No wait, I take that back, Blues Brothers actually had better editing for their outstanding car chase scenes. This movie is so clumsily edited, putting cameras on all these differing angles on the car sounds like a creative idea in theory, in fact, as Blues Brothers has shown, it can work wonders when it's done right with an editor and a cinematographer who know what they're doing but the editing just keep cutting from camera angle to camera angle that it's almost impossible to situate yourself with what is going on. 

Cinematographer Yaron Levy clearly had no distinct idea what he was doing and film editor Ryan Dufrene clearly lacks the experience to edit together a chase scene. Believe me, editing a chase scene is tricky, but when you know what you're doing and you have a competent director to help you, you can see some outstanding hard work at play.

I can make a shortlist of some of the best car chases ever filmed in cinema:

"Bullitt,"

"The French Connection,"

"The Italian Job,"

"Smokey and the Bandit,"

"Ronin,"

"The Matrix Reloaded,"

"Death Proof"

"Drive"

All movies that feature outstanding car chases that have stood the test of time.

Why?

Because they were done by competent people who knew what they were doing.

Nobody seems to know what the hell they're even doing here and frankly, neither do I.

11. The Hangover Part III

Am I a minority in saying that I never really liked this franchise?

I guess I could see what people say about the first movie being a clever take on combining mystery with comedy elements, but I found the original's humor too vulgar for my personal taste. But if I look hard enough, I might see why people praise the film's unconventional approach to a comedy by engaging the audience along with it's mystery to find their friend Doug.

The movie was a huge success, so what do you do when you have a big success on your hands? Make more of it of course! A sequel that found itself bogged down in production troubles with it's actors over contractual disagreements and on-set arguments was released in 2011, which was still a big success, but fans and cities alike agreed that the sequel was just a rehash of the last movie and a tasteless one at that. So naturally since this is supposed to be the last Hangover movie, they would do something different, right?

Well, it is sorta different…but they're still running around, asking people questions to go find somebody, the only difference is, nobody has been drinking and the asian stereotype is still in this movie.

The movie just isn't that insane as previous films, it's a movie that's too by-the-numbers restrained for it's own good. The actors clearly do not want to be in this movie and you can tell from the way they deliver their lines that they're just trying to get this sh*t over with and go do less humiliating roles. 

It's not even that funny, in fact, if this movie was rewritten as a dark character study of Alan's destructive behavior and the whole plot about these crime lords came off as a result of Alan's obsessive need to be taken notice of, it could have been a shocking portrayal of the the depths people will go to get people to notice them.

Oops, there I go again, suggesting ideas for movies that studios won't give two sh*ts to take into account.

Because they don't care about you, they care about your wallet.

I guess the only good thing about this movie is that I can take comfort in knowing this is the last one.

Right?

Right???