Things I Learned From:

1992's "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

Sometimes, we learn things from movies; how to comfort others when they're sad, how to fight off the bad guys, or how to woo the ladies (or guys, I don't judge). But sometimes, movies present important lessons that one has to question on a regular basis whether the lessons these movies teach are good messages. So, in an effort to point out these lessons, as well as to make people crack up, here are the lessons I learned from attaching Francis Ford Coppola's 1992 film adaptation of the classic novel, "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

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-If you're going to battle in the Crusades, wear a fashionable costume that looks like it doesn't really block attacks.

-If you get an arrow into your bedroom that says your fiance is dead, instantly believe it instead of doing the reasonable thing and just sending a messenger to confirm.

-Make sure when you commit suicide by jumping into the river, you keep your suicide note dry.

-Apparently renouncing God in a church and calling upon the powers of darkness, Beezelbulb is more than willing to help out despite being in a holy place.

-Stabbing the Orthodox Crucifix, which lacks a half-naked Jesus fellow I might add, makes it bleed.

-Watching Keanu Reeves act British is like watching Glenn Beck cry, it's comedy gold.

-Somehow, four centuries managed to turn Romania from Eastern Orthodox into Catholic, or maybe that woman had a spare crucifix that she wanted to get rid of and she thought Jonathan was Catholic.

-Carriage drivers should wear such heavy and bulky headgear if it's going to block your eyesight as so you can't see where you are going.

-There Wolf! There Castle! Which looks like a guy sitting on a chair…scary?

-A blue flame that looks like a bad 1970's effect should be a real plus when you're entertaining dinner guests.

-You HAVE to find the name of the company Dracula got those light bulbs from that makes your shadow move on it's own will.

-Dracula is so rich and lonely that he wears the most ridiculously long red bath robe imaginable while sporting a hilarious hair style that would make Princess Leia giggle.

-If you laugh at Dracula's ancestors, he'll cut you up bitch!

-Find nothing suspicious about a guy buying up all this property in London and not give you a clear answer why.

-Dracula has very hairy palms…this joke writes itself.

-Apparently there exists books for "Arabian Nights" that show pictures of people having sex. Where in Barnes and Nobles would I find that?

-Apparently, Mina wants the D... and I don't mean Dracula.

-Apparently Lucy also wants the D…and she gets quite a lot of it…I don't remember that from the book.

-John is the most boring lover in the world, that coming from the guy who was in "The Lake House"

-Holy sh*t, is that the guy from "The Rocketeer" sporting a hilarious mustache and accent?

-Holy sh*t, is that the guy from "Godsford Park" sporting a hilarious mustache?

-Holy sh*t, is that Cary Elwes sporting a mustache that makes him look unintentionally hilarious?

-"Lucy is a pure and virtuous girl?" not the way she's acting around three guys.

-Apparently, rich people don't tend to notice weird shadows on the walls.

-Apparently mental patients get to wear weird mechanical things on their hands while they are allowed to eat bugs.

-If you have patients who try to bite your neck yet your doctors wear cages on your head, you should ask yourself why these cages aren't on the patients' heads.

-Find nothing suspicious about a guy whose face doesn't appear in a mirror and he somehow makes a mirror smash as he growls eerily when he sees crucifixes around your neck.

-Find nothing out of the ordinary about a guy who climbs down the side of a castle wall while his robe tails seem to cling to it.

-Walk around in a dark creepy castle at night with not but a candle, it's perfectly safe.

-Rats that walk on the ceiling and liquids dripping upward should be an indication Dracula forgot to pay the gravity bill.

-Find nothing out of the ordinary about a cob-webbed room with fog covering a dusty bed.

-Find nothing strange about women coming out of said bed.

-Oh look, tits…

-Oh look, more tits...

-Find nothing weird about a woman who can make your crucifix melt on your chest.

-Find nothing strange about three half-naked women biting at you and scratching your clothing or that one of them has snakes in her hair and pointy teeth.

-Find nothing strange about your host floating into the room.

-Dracula is a selfish prick that he keeps the half-naked women from their meal, come on Drac, throw them a bone.

-Dracula apparently took what I said a little too literally, though in this case, he tossed them a baby.

-Watching Keanu Reeves "O Face" is f*cking hilarious.

-Having a serious conversation about your fiance's letter sounding cold and then forgetting about it to dance and giggle in the rain is common in 1897 England.

-Notice the creepy eyes in the clouds and yet dance in the rain anyway.

-The wolf cage at the London Zoo is the worst designed cage ever built.

-Dracula can turn into a werewolf, it's like someone combined Team Edward and Team Jacob to make Team Dracula.

-It's perfectly natural for the doctor to inject himself with morphine.

-Apparently, the ground soaks up rain quick in London.

-Apparently, girls can wear corset-like dresses in their sleep.

-Lucy gets the D…from Dracula as he drinks her blood.

-Mina, despite having seen some huge furry creature having sex with her best friend, does not seem to think much on it and never brings it up with the authorities.

-How the hell does an average human free themselves from their strait-jacket?

-A shirtless Gary Oldman who comes out in the daylight and doesn't burn up or sparkle, yes ladies, this exists.

-The film goes to 8mm to get the feeling of old film cameras from back in the day, only to revert back to regular 35mm and at 24fps.

-Yes, you were rude to the guy who was stalking you while you were asserting your authority that he leave you alone, that makes sense.

-Dracula introduces himself as a Prince Vlad of Sagite (which, according to Google, doesn't exist) to a woman who was a schoolteacher in the book and ought to call bullsh*t on his claim.

-Lucy's wedding dress is the weddings dress to top all wedding dresses.

-Oh please Arthur Quimby, continue to remind us you are from Texas.

-People are looking at the images from a Cinematographe and they barely react to something that they hadn't even seen before.

-Mina's opinion on the cinematographe is the same opinion the United States Supreme Court would have in 1915 with the Mutual Film Corporation v. Industrial Commission of Ohio case before that was overruled in 1952 (No, I'm not going to explain it, look it up)

-Mina doesn't think to scream out loud despite being dragged by a tall guy into a small tent where some people could easily notice them.

-Somehow this movie managed to make a white wolf look scary and then cute all in the span of two minutes.

-Mina doesn't question how this stranger she just met somehow knows how to tame animals.

-Anthony Hopkins teaches his class about diseases of the blood while letting a vampire bat bite his thumb, afterwards, he licks his thumb where the bat drank from; call up the Tenure Office cause we have ourselves a candidate.

-Who knew doctors have a dangerous life that they get a nasty scar going down one side of their face.

-This is the closest Keanu Reeves will ever get to being in a foursome.

-Dracula's shadow has flower-killing powers and yet the guy who can make anything turn to Skittles from that one commercial is much more intimidating.

-Despite Lucy screaming out loud, only three people come to her aid.

-Oh look, another tit, which seems to switch from left to right breast.

-Blood transfusion at the turn of the century, let's hope Arthur has the same blood type.

-Blood looks really see-through in that vial.

-"Where did za blood go?" should become a meme.

-Absinthe and sugar cubes? Has anyone tried this? Could someone please tell me how it tastes?

-Amazing how Mina seems to have flashbacks of this castle that looks nothing like it does currently.

-Winona Ryder is literally boring me with her words.

-Dracula can turn your tears to diamonds, who needs a boyfriend who can sparkle like a diamond when you have a boyfriend who can make diamonds for you?!

-Keanu Reeves falls off the castle and into the river, oh please, Keanu has fallen from higher places than that and into asphalt.

-Where would you find a dark room where you can dance around surrounded by candles?

-Anthony Hopkins acts like he escaped from a mental institute.

-The look on Mina's face when she looks at Van Helsing is the same look I had.

-"Tell Jonathan oceans of love." I should try that next time I'm on a date.

-Lucy hates Garlic, I dunno why she's complaining, I love garlic!

-Lucy wants a good ol' fashioned Texas D…no I'm not gonna let up on these D jokes.

-Apparently Vampire fangs retract from above your own canine teeth, I would ask more on this but then again, I hate dentists.

-Vampire is spelled "vampyrr" in this movie, yet I know of an early German sound film of the same name that put me to sleep before.

-Vampires cry plum juice, get this man a job at the factory!

-Lucy has no qualms about littering her stalker's letters in the ocean.

-It takes a windstorm to blow through your room to make Anthony Hopkins realize that Dracula, his enemy, has returned.

-Anthony Hopkins forgot to take his crazy pills.

-Anthony Hopkins is dry-humping Cliff Seacord, bet you never expected to see that.

-Even though you've acknowledged that Lucy's life is in danger, you leave the premises to go get something to eat, genius.

-A couple drinks will make Cary Elwes sleepy.

-Oh look, another tit. Were there this many boobs in the novel?

-There's garlic in that room yet Dracula barges in to kill Lucy anyway.

-"Where did za blood go?" I think I found it, it was waiting to be sprayed all over Lucy's bed. 

-Announce without consideration for the feelings of others your plans to decapitate the corpse at the funeral of the person who died.

-Keanu Reeves can somehow identify the host of the castle he was trapped in, who was freakishly old, despite looking so young.

-Point a gun at Anthony Hopkins even though you just saw three guys open up a crypt that had been sealed shut.

-Surprisingly, Lucy's Funeral dress is more over-the-top than her wedding dress.

-Even in death, Lucy still wants the D.

-Whoever was writing the screenplay for this movie was watching "The Exorcist" that weekend.

-Lucy finally got the D... Decapitation.

-Talk about the horrible things you did to a corpse in a crowded pub with children inside.

-Choose night time to go barging into Dracula's home instead of morning where he'll be sleeping.

-"How can you pity such a creature?" A good question indeed.

-Keep Mina safe in the mental hospital across the street which has bars for windows when you just explained that Dracula can appear as fog or mist.

-Ignore the advice of a mad man who knows exactly what you're up against.

-Exorcising boxes require the use of axes.

-If you notice green fog coming your way, don't try to make a run for it or close the window, stay right where you are.

-Doctors do a terrible job of noticing when their patients are dead.

-Now Mina wants the D…and this time, I do mean Dracula.

-Don't make the connection that the guy seducing you is what all the other guys outside are trying to kill.

-Make out with the guy who murdered your best friend.

-Somehow, this VampireXHuman relationship is far more hot than the one in Twilight.

-Drink the blood of a vampire from his chest, not his arm or tongue or neck.

-The look on Dracula's face...it disturbs me...

-Dracula can make crosses catch on fire, they sure are useless in this movie, aren't they?

-Dracula can turn into filthy rats; you don't need Anthony Hopkins, you need the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

-Forget watches, use candles to hypnotize people.

-Dracula uses the ocean for travel instead of train travel, which is faster.

-Dracula has gypsies, no wonder Judge Frollo wanted to get rid of them.

-Mina wants the D…from Anthony Hopkins…I feel sick…

-Make a circle of fire, that'll keep the vampire sluts away.

-Anthony Hopkins: Oscar-Winner, Knight Bachelor, Vampire Slayer.

-Oh, I've been saying his name wrong all this time, it's not Dracula, it's DRACUL!!!!!!

-This was what all the other movies were missing: a stage coach chase and gunfight!

-Feel free to stop Mina from calling upon the winds Hopkins, you're clearly not too busy.

-Gypsies are such back-stabbers, literally.

-Oh look, Cliff Seacord finally got to put that big-ass bowie knife to good use.

-"We've all become God's madmen." I think I've seen that bumper sticker too.

-Kiss the mouth of some disgusting monster with blood coming out it's mouth.

-Apparently, Mina's love for a complete blood-sucking stalker is strong enough to remove the vampire curse.

-Now Dracula gets the D…Decapitation. It's not enough to put a bowie knife through his heart, cut off his head for good measure.

-The last shot apparently indicates that a man who sold his soul to the Prince of Darkness gets to go to heaven with a girl who killed herself, both of these are frowned down upon in the Catholic or Eastern Orthodox faith.

-I have a little laugh to myself seeing one of the producers of this movie was a guy named Fred Fuchs.

-Wait, Renfield was played by Tom Waits?!?!

-Wait, Visual Effects were done by Roman Coppola?!?!?!

-Is that Annie Lennox I hear?

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Final Rating: 3/5

It takes liberties with the source material but, in fairness, I think it's one of the best adaptations of Bram Stoker's novel. Yeah, the Romance is ridiculous, the casting isn't exactly what I call top-notch, but as a vampire movie, I like it. There are things I could make fun of, sure, but I think it's a pretty decent movie Is it up there with classic vampire movies? I don't think so, but for what Francis Ford Coppola wanted to make, I think he did a fine job. There are plenty of worse adaptations, this isn't one of them. If you want to criticize it for the DRACUL!!!!!XMina romance, believe me, even as a die-hard fan of the novel, I found that pill hard to swallow, especially since the dialogue is so laughable when they are being romantic.

Still, for what it's worth, check it out. The direction is solid, the score is superb, the cinematography and old-fashioned special effects really give the feeling of traditional movie-making. Gary Oldman also does a rather good job playing DRACUL!!!!!! but there are times where he can be a little too over-the-top, but still, for what it's worth, give it a watch.