Stay Alive Review

"Come to me, clouds. May you rise as an evil storm born to rip them open. Let the cover of night bear witness and destroy those who resist so they shall harm me not. Let the blood of many cleanse me, preserving beauty eternal, I pray you." 

"The Prayer of Elizabeth" - "Stay Alive"

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Released in 2006 under the direction of William Brent Bell and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures/Hollywood Pictures on a budget of $9 million; "Stay Alive" is a "video game" movie that takes the elements of survival horror games and puts it into the style of "The Ring" only less scary and wishing you were playing the game, then you have no doubt made something atrocious. Before I get into this review, let me explain how I got to know this movie as you should know, this film was what you might call "a sleeper hit" (at least that's what IMDB says). This film was barely marketed, I never saw any trailers for it, I never saw posters for it, barely anybody talked about it, this film just came and was swept under the rug known as time to collect dirt. So now you're all wondering, how do I know about this movie? Issue 148, pages 62-65 of GameInformer.

Before you ask, yes; I've been a long-time subscriber of GameInformer (since 2004 if you must know) and if you happen to own that issue, you'd know that in that particular issue and on those pages, they did a Behind-The-Scenes spread on the movie. Yep. That is how I know about this movie and I never watched it, until now…was it worth that 4 page spread? F*CK NO! THIS IS THE WORST VIDEO GAME MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN!

Plot: On a planet where video games are more important to people than life itself, Hutch MacNeil (Jon Foster of "Accidentally on Purpose" fame) finds out his best friend, Loomis Crowley (Milo Ventimiglia of "Gilmore Girls" fame) is dead, when the night before, he called him to tell him about this game that's "freakier than 'Fatal Frame'" yet it's never explained how he got his hands on this game other than some lousy excuse that "he was Beta-testing it." So he plays the game along with his "friends" and his boss from work (Adam Goldberg of "A Beautiful Mind" fame) who casually just takes him into his office to ask for gaming tips, decide to play the game even though multiplayer survival horror games were rarer than threequels from the Valve Corporation (okay, that was a joke, but seriously, the notion of multiplayer and survival horror didn't even come about until "Left 4 Dead" proved it was profitable)and they discover the game only begins when you read off this prayer (which is f*cking impossible considering that voice-identification wasn't possible yet as I judge from the remotes they're using, Microsoft hadn't created voice-activated games) and once you do, it automatically creates your game avatar and gets you playing right away. But when Hutch's boss dies in the game, they discover that you are killed by the ghost of Countess Elizabeth Bathory the same way in real life. So it's up to Hutch and his unlikable friends, October Bantum (Sophia Bush of "One Tree Hill" fame), her brother Phineas (Jimmi Simpson of "Date Night" fame), Hutch's random love interest Abigail (Samaire Armstrong of "Dirty Sexy Money" fame), and Swink Sylvania (Frankie Muniz of "Malcolm in the Middle" fame) to come together and defeat this evil video game that is never explained where it came from, how it got into Loomis' possession or how it has the ability to make people so shockingly stupid and they die for their stupidity.

Christ, if my poor-man's summary of this movie has shown, this movie has WAY too many flaws that shouldn't be overlooked. They make mention that Loomis was probably Beta Testing the game, if that was the case, for a game that supposedly hasn't been completed, it seems to be advanced enough to activate only to hearing your voice, which doesn't require a microphone or anything, knowing what you're wearing so it can create your avatar for you and it also seems to have the ability to unpause itself just so hazards can attack you. You could argue this is all magic, but it only further demonstrates the laziness of the screenwriting and how the hell a Countess who lived in Hungary acquired a mansion in the United States and had a graveyard and tower built there. The game takes more contradictions to it's own game rules than the constant changing rules in the "Scream" franchise, especially near the end where, for some unexplained reason, Swink helps Hutch rescue Abigail by leaving a crowbar right in front of him, opening a door for him and throwing roses, all in the game, but it just inexplicably occurs in real life…Hello? Explain this movie?!?! I could have easily turned this into a Cult Corner review, but I didn't because I already have plans for The Corner this month. But what I'm getting at is this is one of the most lazily written films I've ever seen. It's basically "The Ring" but instead of a haunted video tape, it's a haunted video game but without the creativity of what Hideo Nakata or Gore Verbinski brought tot he screen with their respected versions, which used the idea that something so innocent like watching TV could actually bear something evil and that watching a tape all the way through, you will lose your life in an allotted amount of time. Point is, if you really want to watch a movie about an object that requires a television screen to view it, this is not the one to watch. It treats it's audience like they're idiots. I've heard the extended cut does at least explain where the game came from, but if you can't explain something that gives vital information in the theatrical release, then f*ck you, you've failed as a filmmaker to cut something so necessary from the original script- oh wait, the director was also the writer….hey, would you all like to know what film William Brent Bell directed recently this year? "The Devil Inside." You know, that exorcism movie with that horrendous ending that earned $100 million worldwide because people are unbelievably stupid? Yeah. I think that ought to say everything you should about this shmuck of a director.

Characters:

Translation; what f*cking characters? There are none. These are the most unlikable people to come from a video game movie since "Gamer." There is nobody I rooted for, nobody I could connect with; I wanted all of them to just drop dead. Phineas is such an uncaring asshole, Hutch is mourning the death of his boss, who is a complete idiot by the way, and what does he suggest they do? Keep playing the game of course! October was a f*cking moron, who the hell walks into a construction set because they see some creepy bitch inside?! Nobody would but the filmmakers needed an excuse to kill her off. Abigail? Nothing interesting about her, in fact, when she and Hutch kiss, it's the most sporadic kiss in human existence. What point does she serve? No point at all but to annoy me. Hutch is no better as he just whines and yells and complains. Sure, he has some form of character development with his fear of fire, but it's so vastly underplayed that it might as well have been left out of the movie. It seems that Frankie Muniz is at least trying, while his character is obnoxious. To see them die is like a gift, you feel happy to see this idiots get killed off instead of wanting to see them survive.

Production: What point should I go into this any further? The cinematography is boring, it's like they just shot outside the city road and onto the back roads. The only thing production-wise that I can at least praise is the video game they're playing, which, I have to say, looks friggin' cool and it makes me wonder, why didn't they design a game like that to be released along with the movie? Could you imagine how much money they could make on the game than the movie? It would have been innovative for it's time; a survival horror game where you work alone or with friends to survive a haunted house, solve a mystery and kill The Countess. Though this is a thing that bugs me about this game is that the game can't seem to decide if it's gameplay is First-Person perspective or third-person perspective, just like other survival horror games like "Silent Hill" or "Resident Evil," seriously, pick one or the other, you can't have both…unless it's The Elder Scrolls or Fallout 3 where you can do that, ironically, this movie came out on the same year and month The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion was released on game shelves for Xbox 360 users; further making this movie really outdated and making me feel like an old man….damn you William Brent Bell!!!!

Bottom Line: You know what, I take back what I said about the "Resident Evil" and "Silent Hill" movies, at least they TRIED! At least they followed the games, even if they had little to nothing to do with them, they had source material to work with; this movie has sh*t. A horrible excuse for a story that only serves as an excuse to watch people die even though they're not playing the damn game, the characters are the most sterile and hateful characters you want to see die. When the most interesting and entertaining thing is the video game itself and yet you don't allow the audience to play it, then you have really put all your focus onto something that shouldn't have been made, but did they create a video game to be released along with the movie? Hell no, these filmmakers clearly had no intention to entertain you but you make your wallet lighter. Take it from me and watch "Ringu," a far smarter movie than this or a better idea if you own or have downloaded the following games, I suggest you go and play those games: "Silent Hill," "Resident Evil," "Amnesia The Dark Descent," "Condemned Criminal Origins," "Doom," "F.E.A.R.," "Dead Space," "Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem," "System Shock 2," and yes, "Fatal Frame," which is an incredibly FREAKY game if you want to scare your pants off. Believe me, these games are much more interesting and have a better written-story than this one POS movie.

Oh, I feel I should mention this, but in the movie itself, issues of GameInformer show a cover of the game at the end, well I can tell you firsthand, from the eight years I've held onto my magazines and I can assure you, no issue bears that cover, good! Even GameInformer knew this movie blew! It's a video game movie that is way too literal with the "video game movie" title.

I could just keep on writing how much this movie pisses me off, how much it defies video game sensibilities and screen-writing logic, I could go ON, so instead, I'll sum up this review by quoting one of the greatest film critics who ever lived with a quote that perfectly sums up my feelings on this movie:

"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

Roger Ebert - "North" July 22, 1994

Final Rating: 0.25/5

Until next time, I'll keep the fires stoked for when we burning through celluloid.

These guys just perfectly represent how I feel about the movie.