Scary Movie 5

Released in 2013 under the direction of Malcolm D. Lee ("Undercover Brother") on a budget of $20 million with distribution from The Weinstein Company; "Scary Movie V" is the long-delayed sequel to the once-popular "Scary Movie" comedy franchise.

It's often rare to find movies that become acceptable to hate in the general public, whereas most people will cry foul and put themselves on the front line to defend the movie even if it's not all that great (see "The Phantom Menace"). Then there are movies that become socially cool to hate and any defenders are just ignored or laughed at for even trying to (see "Twilight"). That's where we come to the Scary Movie franchise, a series of parody films mocking whatever movies are popular, generally horror films as the title suggests. From "Scream" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer" to movies like "The Haunting," "Signs," "Saw" and "War of the Worlds."

Between you and me, the "Scary Movie" films were better when the Wayan Brothers weren't involved in the directing or writing of these movies and those positions were filled in by "Airplane!" and "Naked Gun" writers David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Pat Proft. "Scary Movie 5" was stuck in development hell for years following the slew of terrible parody films from former Scary Movie writers, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer ("Epic Movie," "Meet the Spartans," "Disaster Movie") as well as numerous cancellation dates and recasts, thus is comes as no surprise that many of the films referenced are from 2010.

Dan (Simon Rex), an ape researcher, and Jody (Ashley Tisdale), a wannabe rock star turned ballet dancer, are a happily married couple who adopt Charlie Sheen's three children found in a cabin in the woods by Snoop Dog and Mac Miller. Taking them to live in a suburban home, the couple begin to notice strange and supernatural things occurring. To find answers, the couple employ a con psychic, a Leonardo DiCaprio look-alike and a magical book that turns people into zombies who threaten to swallow your soul

"Scary Movie V," to put lightly, is like going to a party with someone who tells jokes that they think is relevant when it's not anymore. 

That's this movie. 

Half of the jokes aren't funny and even when the movie does find footing to tell a funny joke, it jumps to another reference that has no relation to the movie or the genre it's satirizing. Why is Christian Grey in this movie? No real purpose or reason, he's just in here because "Fifty Shades of Grey" is popular right now.

I admit to chuckling to a few instances of physical comedy, but most of the time, I found myself just sitting there munching away on my popcorn (which was $13.95 with the drink by the way, thank you AMC) expecting to laugh but just couldn't find much to laugh at. It'll probably get some laughs out of some teenagers, but take it from me, it's worth waiting till OnDemand has it availble.

Final Rating: 2/5

Oz The Great and Powerful Review

Released in 2013 under the direction Sam Raimi on a budget of $215 million with distribution by Walt Disney Pictures; "Oz The Great and Powerful" is an adaptation of the fantasy novellas written by L. Frank Baum in the early 1900's but meant to act as a prequel to the classic 1939 film "The Wizard of Oz." The original story "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" was a dark fantasy tale that involved animals getting killed and people getting tortured, so you could imagine why MGM had to pay $75,000 to purchase the book's rights so they could tone down the violence and keep it light-hearted enough for all audiences, the result though, took 14 writers and five directors just to make it safe for audiences and keep it to the production code heavily enforced on Hollywood movies at the time. But That's not the only obstacle the original film faced, during production, actors were severely injured (Margaret Hamilton had her copper make-up burned by an accident and even her stand-in for stunts was burnt as well), the costumes were difficult for the actors to perform in (Judy Garland had to wear a corset, Bert Lahr wore heavy furs that overheated his body and was 90 pounds heavy with all the studio lights pouring down on him), some of the costumes even brought severe health damage (Buddy Larson's original Tin Man makeup used aluminum dust that coated his lungs and his replacement Jack Haley was applied with aluminum paste that nearly made him go blind) and even despite all this , the movie flopped at the box office at the time of it's release. But just like "Fantasia" and "Citizen Kane," time worked in "The Wizard's" favor and soon, a new generation greatly found supreme admiration for this film and became a staple-mark of children movies for decades to come. But I bring all that up to contrast with the movie's leap to digital effects and to remind that this film has really nothing much to do with the 1939 film albeit some nods here and there.

Plot: In the black and white land known as Kansas (which should be brown-and-white but am I the only one who noticed that?) Oscar Diggs (James Franco) is a small-time circus magician claiming to be the powerful Oz whose ego knows no bounds as he flirts with anything that has ovaries. After escaping from a circus strongman who found out he was flirting with his wife, Oscar get sucked up into a tornado with his hot air ballon where he then appears in the Land of Oz, where there is color and widescreen aspect ratio. While he's there, he meets Theodora (Mila Kunis) a witch who states that he is the prophesied wizard who will come to Oz and overthrow the Wicked Witch who murdered the previous King of Oz. On the way, he steals her heart and rescues a Flying monkey wearing a bellhop suit named Finley (Zach Braff) who swears eternal loyalty to him. After meeting with Evanora (Rachel Weisz) who dresses in black and wears a bright green necklace and who TOTALLY shows no hints she could be evil in the slightest tells him that to be the King of Oz, he'll have to destroy the Wicked Witch. On his way to the Dark Forest, he repairs a little china girl ("Oh oh oh ohhhhhh") and he discovers the "Wicked Witch" is really Glinda, the Good Witch of the North (Michele Williams) and that Evanora is really the Wicked Witch who killed her father (noooooo, really? Who would have guessed with her dark clothing she wore?) and she takes him to the land  that has Quadlings, tinkers and Munchkins in it so he can lead them to defeat the Army of Darkness and recover the Necronomicon Ex Mortis and return to working as S-Mart and- dammit, I confused movie plots again.

So yeah, the story really isn't anything brag-worthy or original, in fact, it's a tad bit sophomoric that doesn't have any real twists or turns in the narrative sense. It's exactly as you'd expect it to be, the only real turn I could think of was seeing Bruce Campbell as a city guard. Anyone who grew up with The Wizard of Oz may dislike this movie for it's abundance of nods and references to the original film, from opening up with a 4:3 aspect ratio and in black and white before switching to wide-screen and color, to seeing Theodora turn green and fly around on a broomstick, to even Oz's showmanship as he employs trickery using smoke and lights and fireworks (which I consider the best part of the movie). Regardless though, the overall theme of "a doubtful con artist overcoming his personal doubts" is one that's too familiar with me since I've seen it used so many times. Thankfully, unlike other movies where we have that whole "liar reveal" cliche, they manage to use this theme lightly as he never actually reveals that he's a con man but he manages to use his trickery to convince the people of Oz he's legit. 

Characters:

James Franco: He's okay, over-the-top at times when he's trying to solicit his "magic" and he's funny when he has to be. Then again, I've always admired Franco when he tackles really personal and difficult roles like "James Dean" or "127 Hours" but when he does these kind of generic roles, he always manages to find a way to bring his A game to the role, be it good or bad. He plays it straight, which helps the audience to adapt to the world he's found himself in, which he does so well to convey, you find yourself buying it. Even if his character is an archetype we've seen too many times, I did find myself wanting to see him accomplish his goal.

Mila Kunis: The term "deliciously wicked" comes to mind. She's not really so much evil as her motives for becoming so are based more from jealousy and heart break than power. Though I couldn't help that even when she turned green and evil, I couldn't see her as Margaret Hamilton but as Meg Griffin with a pointy nose and chin. Still, when she was over-the-top, she was amusing but all the times she tried to be intimidating, I wasn't really scared by her. Sorry Mila, but Margaret set the image and it's rather hard to imitate greatness.

Rachel Weisz: I sure haven't seen her in a while, must have been nice to come back and get a heaping good paycheck while she was at it. Sadly she doesn't really sell on me as being a "good" witch who tricks everyone into believing she's evil, anyone with a working pair of eyes could have seen through her facade by how she was dressed. How about a movie where someone is dressed sinisterly and yet they turn out to be the good guy? Is that too much to ask?

Michelle Williams: She's pretty good. Soft-spoken and pretty-looking, though her dress wasn't as far-out as Billie Burke's was in 1939, but that's an observation and not a criticism as I assume this movie was trying to take more influence from the original source material than the movie for it's characters and settings.

Zach Braff: A comic relief monkey in a bellhop uniform, that sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn't it? He's a good side character, witty and heart-felt  when it was required of him to be in scenes.

Joey King: She was all right. Some people have gone and said they cried at the ending, I thought the ending was sweet but I didn't think it was material that deserved my tears. Still, she wasn't useless, which is a complaint I usually have with supporting characters, she was helpful when she needed to be and she brought depth to the Oz character when necessary to do so. By the way, "I'm feelin' tragic like I'm Marlo Brando when I look at my china giiiiiiirl."

I've heard some people say their performances were bland, I just thought the cast did what was called for them to do and they did it as well as the script called for them.

Production: Seeing how this film was produced by the same people behind the 2010 "Alice in Wonderland" project, naturally this movie finds ways to fill the screen with visual wonder and vibrant colors. The Land of Oz is definitely one that's familiar from the classic, it's lush and immense. Some of the fauna does appear to have taken some cues from "Alice in Wonderland" but that's just an observation than a complaint. The visuals looked really good not he creature effects, namely on the China Girl, she looked the most realistic to me, which is something that I find hard for movies with special effects to do, only rarely have I found convincing effects this day in age but I guess you can chalk up this China Girl as one of them, along with Maurice from "Rise of the Planet of the Apes." Music is all right, it's whimsical and big, but like a lot of Danny Elfman scores in recent years, it sounds all the same, hell, even before his name appeared in the opening credits, my dad leaned over and said "sounds like Danny Elfman" and what do you know, he was spot-on. I even found the 3D to be effective, especially in the beginning with the Academic aspect ratio how certain actions done inside the frame pops past the frame's border, like smoke or debris flying past. If you're unwilling to forgive the story or the characters, then certainly, the visuals will no doubt win you over.

Bottom Line: As Leonard Maltin perfectly put it: "No movie ever can, or will, replace 1939's The Wizard of Oz, but taken on its own terms, this eye-filling fantasy is an entertaining riff on how the wizard of that immortal film found his way to Oz" and you know what? I agree with what he has to say. Yes, this isn't the classic and it shouldn't be seen as such. It's a visual treat with a story that isn't really that dark as the source material and it's not as whimsical as the original film, but it's good for audiences of all ages, which is what the original film set out to be. It did wonders with technicolor, which was quite a rarity at the time and it wishes to pay homage to the film of everyone's childhoods. I was dazzled, I was charmed and I was entertained, not sure if I'd buy it when it comes to Blu Ray, but I'd watch it again when it comes OnDemand but I still have the original "Wizard of Oz" until then.

Final Rating: 3/5

Until next time, I'll keep the fires stoked for when we burn through celluloid.

Prometheus

Released in 2012 under the direction of Ridley Scott on a budget of $130 million and distributed by 20th Century Fox; "Prometheus" was Ridley's Scott's return to the science-fiction genre after 30 years of period pieces, comedies, thrillers and war films. The hype for the movie was initially huge on it's release date, with many people initially predicting this movie to be the next "Avatar." As a reminder for any who aren't familiar with Scott's work, in 1979, Ridley Scott directed the quiet yet hair-raising sci-fi horror film "Alien," a movie that was made with a rather low $11 million budget, yet it went on to make over $100 million at the box office and received monumental praise over the years for it's combination of horror with science-fiction at a time when Star Wars dominated the genre. There followed three other sequels that ended up in the hands of James Cameron, David Fincher, and Jean-Pierre Jeunet as well as crossover films with the Predator films that ended up in the hands of Paul W.S. Anderson (If you bother to look through my Movie Review folder, you might find my review on it) and the Strause Brothers. So naturally, the preliminary buzz was huge on this prequel to the Alien franchise and on it's debut opening…people were disappointed, even really pissed-off. How could this happen?

Plot: In the year 2089, archeologists (minus the hat, jacket, whip and charm) Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and her boyfriend Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) make the discovery of a series of art from separated cultures that show a series of dots meant to indicate stars, they come to the conclusion that this is a message from these space aliens called "Engineers" to come meet with them (Yeah, Elizabeth is a devout Christian and yet her belief that these aliens want to talk to these humans sounds like something you'd hear from Scientology). They somehow manage to get funding from Peter Weyland (Guy Pearce in old man make-up, though I imagine hiring an older actor would cost less) to go into space and find this planet that may or may not be the actual home planet of these Engineers. On the Spaceship Prometheus, there exists quote a few people you won't really remember, apart from a black guy captain (Idris Elba) and some mercenaries you won't remember, there's this uninteresting Weyland employee played by Charlize Theron who doesn't really offer too much to the film outside of being bitchy and mad all the time and David (Michael Fassbender) an android who tries to comprehend his understanding of humans and his existence. Anyways, they find an alien head, David turns from a good robot to a bad robot and manages to prove that everyone on the ship is an idiot before it culminates in "what-the-f*ckery" for the last hour of the movie.

Yeah…two writers wrote this movie, Jon Spaihts (writer of the abysmal "The Darkest Hour" which nobody saw) and Damon Lindelof (the same asshole who co-wrote "Cowboys & Aliens") and these guys gave us this? The movie tries it's damnedest to ask deep questions about religion and the creation of life, but it doesn't even bother to answer most of them or the answers they do give are unsatisfying in the slightest. There are also moments tin eh script that, in my mind, really don't add up or feel pointless, like, why did Weyland pretend to be dead? Was he a wanted criminal? Did all the mercies on board the ship have a grudge against the guy? There really is no reason narratively why he has to pretend he's dead. There's also no real reason for moments like that to happen and it shows the lack of attention Ridley must have had on this project to not question the screenplay.

Also, the ending was just thrown in to remind the audiences this was supposed to be a prequel to "Alien," it wouldn't bug me as much if they just had the courtesy to at least use a traditional puppet, but nope, just use a computer effect cause that's scarier than seeing something that looks like something you can touch.

Characters:

I'm not going to bother to list off the actors involved in this snore-fest of writing because these actors, with the exception of Michael Fassbender. Fassbender has really proven himself to be a versatile actor these last few years, from "Inglourious Basterds" to "X-Men First Class" to his rather forgotten role in "Shame." Fassbender channels a mixture of HAL9000 from "2001: A Space Odyssey" with Data from "Star Trek The Next Generation," making him sound synthetic and robotic, but making his demeanor and character very curious about human culture as he strives off boredom by playing basketball and watching "Lawrence of Arabia," fascinated by Peter O'Toole so much so that he imitates the voice and combs his hair in O'Toole's likeness. However, unlike Data who found acceptance for his curiosity and was given help to find his answers, everyone is a complete jerk to David, for no discernible reason, which I guess makes him bitter enough to infect one person in the off-chance they could impregnate someone and do something or another, yeah, even I don't get it, but after that, he stops being interesting and becomes another Ash from "Alien."

All the other characters in this film are not worthing mentioning because they annoy the hell out of me and offer nothing but proof that Ridley Scott chose the worst screenwriters to make a movie of this philosophical and narrative magnitude. I don't hold any qualms against the actors, they are trying, but the script has such paper-thin characters that I'm surprised Ridley didn't at least stop the movie half-way and say "wait a minute, these people are idiots!"

Production: Just like "Snow White and The Huntsman" or the Transformer movies, the production is pretty much the movie's only saving grace. I won't deny it's a fantastic and beautiful movie to look at. The interiors of the space-ship look really cool, the visual effects done for the planet look outstanding and even some of the make-up effects look pretty cool at times, that is when they're not making a young actor look unnecessarily old when they could have hired an older actor and it would have cost less all things considering. The music is, all right, it's large and sweeping, but it's nowhere close to Jerry Goldsmith's original score from 1979. Though why the movie had to make a CGI Xenomorph is, I guess, for the sake of laziness. Though I will say, the movie does have some form of atmosphere, while it's not as chilling as the original "Alien," it feels huge and expansive, making you feel small, which is a feeling I haven't felt in Sci-fi films this day in age since so many sci-fi films these days are set on earth. Still, Ridley Scott's vision for visuals keeps this film from blending in among all the other big-budget CGI sci-fi fest made this day in age.

Bottom Line: I watched a review by Mark Kermode lately where he described the movie being sorta like "The Phantom Menace" and, call it ironic, I can see what he means by that. There was all this hype, all this buzz, so much advertising (you couldn't even turn on the TV or go online without seeing some advertisement for it. Once it eventually came to theaters, there seemed to be a split decision, there was one side of people that defended the movie and even went as far as to post videos online trying to explain it's philosophy, why the other half call it a pile of vomit and posted their videos explaining why it's BS. You could sorta putt me in the latter, but I remain on the edge of neutrality since, frankly, I don't think this movie deserves discussion, the answers it gives are not very satisfactory to the questions it clumsily asks. I don't mind sci-fi movies that ask deep questions about religion and the nature of mankind (just look at "Contact," another movie that people love and hate) but I could possibly care more if you can give me interesting characters that I can latch onto and that's what this movie fails in the most, the characters. Save for David, everyone feels shallow with poorly-written character motives forced into a movie that has a rather flat story that has enough holes to put in a sandwich. It's worth renting for curiosity's sake, if you can see the brilliance in this film and look past it's shallow screenwriting, then by all means, go watch it on Blu-Ray with the best HD TV you can find.

Final Rating: 1.5/5

Until next time, I'll keep the fires stoked for when we burn through celluloid again.

Things I Learned From:

1992's "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

Sometimes, we learn things from movies; how to comfort others when they're sad, how to fight off the bad guys, or how to woo the ladies (or guys, I don't judge). But sometimes, movies present important lessons that one has to question on a regular basis whether the lessons these movies teach are good messages. So, in an effort to point out these lessons, as well as to make people crack up, here are the lessons I learned from attaching Francis Ford Coppola's 1992 film adaptation of the classic novel, "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

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-If you're going to battle in the Crusades, wear a fashionable costume that looks like it doesn't really block attacks.

-If you get an arrow into your bedroom that says your fiance is dead, instantly believe it instead of doing the reasonable thing and just sending a messenger to confirm.

-Make sure when you commit suicide by jumping into the river, you keep your suicide note dry.

-Apparently renouncing God in a church and calling upon the powers of darkness, Beezelbulb is more than willing to help out despite being in a holy place.

-Stabbing the Orthodox Crucifix, which lacks a half-naked Jesus fellow I might add, makes it bleed.

-Watching Keanu Reeves act British is like watching Glenn Beck cry, it's comedy gold.

-Somehow, four centuries managed to turn Romania from Eastern Orthodox into Catholic, or maybe that woman had a spare crucifix that she wanted to get rid of and she thought Jonathan was Catholic.

-Carriage drivers should wear such heavy and bulky headgear if it's going to block your eyesight as so you can't see where you are going.

-There Wolf! There Castle! Which looks like a guy sitting on a chair…scary?

-A blue flame that looks like a bad 1970's effect should be a real plus when you're entertaining dinner guests.

-You HAVE to find the name of the company Dracula got those light bulbs from that makes your shadow move on it's own will.

-Dracula is so rich and lonely that he wears the most ridiculously long red bath robe imaginable while sporting a hilarious hair style that would make Princess Leia giggle.

-If you laugh at Dracula's ancestors, he'll cut you up bitch!

-Find nothing suspicious about a guy buying up all this property in London and not give you a clear answer why.

-Dracula has very hairy palms…this joke writes itself.

-Apparently there exists books for "Arabian Nights" that show pictures of people having sex. Where in Barnes and Nobles would I find that?

-Apparently, Mina wants the D... and I don't mean Dracula.

-Apparently Lucy also wants the D…and she gets quite a lot of it…I don't remember that from the book.

-John is the most boring lover in the world, that coming from the guy who was in "The Lake House"

-Holy sh*t, is that the guy from "The Rocketeer" sporting a hilarious mustache and accent?

-Holy sh*t, is that the guy from "Godsford Park" sporting a hilarious mustache?

-Holy sh*t, is that Cary Elwes sporting a mustache that makes him look unintentionally hilarious?

-"Lucy is a pure and virtuous girl?" not the way she's acting around three guys.

-Apparently, rich people don't tend to notice weird shadows on the walls.

-Apparently mental patients get to wear weird mechanical things on their hands while they are allowed to eat bugs.

-If you have patients who try to bite your neck yet your doctors wear cages on your head, you should ask yourself why these cages aren't on the patients' heads.

-Find nothing suspicious about a guy whose face doesn't appear in a mirror and he somehow makes a mirror smash as he growls eerily when he sees crucifixes around your neck.

-Find nothing out of the ordinary about a guy who climbs down the side of a castle wall while his robe tails seem to cling to it.

-Walk around in a dark creepy castle at night with not but a candle, it's perfectly safe.

-Rats that walk on the ceiling and liquids dripping upward should be an indication Dracula forgot to pay the gravity bill.

-Find nothing out of the ordinary about a cob-webbed room with fog covering a dusty bed.

-Find nothing strange about women coming out of said bed.

-Oh look, tits…

-Oh look, more tits...

-Find nothing weird about a woman who can make your crucifix melt on your chest.

-Find nothing strange about three half-naked women biting at you and scratching your clothing or that one of them has snakes in her hair and pointy teeth.

-Find nothing strange about your host floating into the room.

-Dracula is a selfish prick that he keeps the half-naked women from their meal, come on Drac, throw them a bone.

-Dracula apparently took what I said a little too literally, though in this case, he tossed them a baby.

-Watching Keanu Reeves "O Face" is f*cking hilarious.

-Having a serious conversation about your fiance's letter sounding cold and then forgetting about it to dance and giggle in the rain is common in 1897 England.

-Notice the creepy eyes in the clouds and yet dance in the rain anyway.

-The wolf cage at the London Zoo is the worst designed cage ever built.

-Dracula can turn into a werewolf, it's like someone combined Team Edward and Team Jacob to make Team Dracula.

-It's perfectly natural for the doctor to inject himself with morphine.

-Apparently, the ground soaks up rain quick in London.

-Apparently, girls can wear corset-like dresses in their sleep.

-Lucy gets the D…from Dracula as he drinks her blood.

-Mina, despite having seen some huge furry creature having sex with her best friend, does not seem to think much on it and never brings it up with the authorities.

-How the hell does an average human free themselves from their strait-jacket?

-A shirtless Gary Oldman who comes out in the daylight and doesn't burn up or sparkle, yes ladies, this exists.

-The film goes to 8mm to get the feeling of old film cameras from back in the day, only to revert back to regular 35mm and at 24fps.

-Yes, you were rude to the guy who was stalking you while you were asserting your authority that he leave you alone, that makes sense.

-Dracula introduces himself as a Prince Vlad of Sagite (which, according to Google, doesn't exist) to a woman who was a schoolteacher in the book and ought to call bullsh*t on his claim.

-Lucy's wedding dress is the weddings dress to top all wedding dresses.

-Oh please Arthur Quimby, continue to remind us you are from Texas.

-People are looking at the images from a Cinematographe and they barely react to something that they hadn't even seen before.

-Mina's opinion on the cinematographe is the same opinion the United States Supreme Court would have in 1915 with the Mutual Film Corporation v. Industrial Commission of Ohio case before that was overruled in 1952 (No, I'm not going to explain it, look it up)

-Mina doesn't think to scream out loud despite being dragged by a tall guy into a small tent where some people could easily notice them.

-Somehow this movie managed to make a white wolf look scary and then cute all in the span of two minutes.

-Mina doesn't question how this stranger she just met somehow knows how to tame animals.

-Anthony Hopkins teaches his class about diseases of the blood while letting a vampire bat bite his thumb, afterwards, he licks his thumb where the bat drank from; call up the Tenure Office cause we have ourselves a candidate.

-Who knew doctors have a dangerous life that they get a nasty scar going down one side of their face.

-This is the closest Keanu Reeves will ever get to being in a foursome.

-Dracula's shadow has flower-killing powers and yet the guy who can make anything turn to Skittles from that one commercial is much more intimidating.

-Despite Lucy screaming out loud, only three people come to her aid.

-Oh look, another tit, which seems to switch from left to right breast.

-Blood transfusion at the turn of the century, let's hope Arthur has the same blood type.

-Blood looks really see-through in that vial.

-"Where did za blood go?" should become a meme.

-Absinthe and sugar cubes? Has anyone tried this? Could someone please tell me how it tastes?

-Amazing how Mina seems to have flashbacks of this castle that looks nothing like it does currently.

-Winona Ryder is literally boring me with her words.

-Dracula can turn your tears to diamonds, who needs a boyfriend who can sparkle like a diamond when you have a boyfriend who can make diamonds for you?!

-Keanu Reeves falls off the castle and into the river, oh please, Keanu has fallen from higher places than that and into asphalt.

-Where would you find a dark room where you can dance around surrounded by candles?

-Anthony Hopkins acts like he escaped from a mental institute.

-The look on Mina's face when she looks at Van Helsing is the same look I had.

-"Tell Jonathan oceans of love." I should try that next time I'm on a date.

-Lucy hates Garlic, I dunno why she's complaining, I love garlic!

-Lucy wants a good ol' fashioned Texas D…no I'm not gonna let up on these D jokes.

-Apparently Vampire fangs retract from above your own canine teeth, I would ask more on this but then again, I hate dentists.

-Vampire is spelled "vampyrr" in this movie, yet I know of an early German sound film of the same name that put me to sleep before.

-Vampires cry plum juice, get this man a job at the factory!

-Lucy has no qualms about littering her stalker's letters in the ocean.

-It takes a windstorm to blow through your room to make Anthony Hopkins realize that Dracula, his enemy, has returned.

-Anthony Hopkins forgot to take his crazy pills.

-Anthony Hopkins is dry-humping Cliff Seacord, bet you never expected to see that.

-Even though you've acknowledged that Lucy's life is in danger, you leave the premises to go get something to eat, genius.

-A couple drinks will make Cary Elwes sleepy.

-Oh look, another tit. Were there this many boobs in the novel?

-There's garlic in that room yet Dracula barges in to kill Lucy anyway.

-"Where did za blood go?" I think I found it, it was waiting to be sprayed all over Lucy's bed. 

-Announce without consideration for the feelings of others your plans to decapitate the corpse at the funeral of the person who died.

-Keanu Reeves can somehow identify the host of the castle he was trapped in, who was freakishly old, despite looking so young.

-Point a gun at Anthony Hopkins even though you just saw three guys open up a crypt that had been sealed shut.

-Surprisingly, Lucy's Funeral dress is more over-the-top than her wedding dress.

-Even in death, Lucy still wants the D.

-Whoever was writing the screenplay for this movie was watching "The Exorcist" that weekend.

-Lucy finally got the D... Decapitation.

-Talk about the horrible things you did to a corpse in a crowded pub with children inside.

-Choose night time to go barging into Dracula's home instead of morning where he'll be sleeping.

-"How can you pity such a creature?" A good question indeed.

-Keep Mina safe in the mental hospital across the street which has bars for windows when you just explained that Dracula can appear as fog or mist.

-Ignore the advice of a mad man who knows exactly what you're up against.

-Exorcising boxes require the use of axes.

-If you notice green fog coming your way, don't try to make a run for it or close the window, stay right where you are.

-Doctors do a terrible job of noticing when their patients are dead.

-Now Mina wants the D…and this time, I do mean Dracula.

-Don't make the connection that the guy seducing you is what all the other guys outside are trying to kill.

-Make out with the guy who murdered your best friend.

-Somehow, this VampireXHuman relationship is far more hot than the one in Twilight.

-Drink the blood of a vampire from his chest, not his arm or tongue or neck.

-The look on Dracula's face...it disturbs me...

-Dracula can make crosses catch on fire, they sure are useless in this movie, aren't they?

-Dracula can turn into filthy rats; you don't need Anthony Hopkins, you need the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

-Forget watches, use candles to hypnotize people.

-Dracula uses the ocean for travel instead of train travel, which is faster.

-Dracula has gypsies, no wonder Judge Frollo wanted to get rid of them.

-Mina wants the D…from Anthony Hopkins…I feel sick…

-Make a circle of fire, that'll keep the vampire sluts away.

-Anthony Hopkins: Oscar-Winner, Knight Bachelor, Vampire Slayer.

-Oh, I've been saying his name wrong all this time, it's not Dracula, it's DRACUL!!!!!!

-This was what all the other movies were missing: a stage coach chase and gunfight!

-Feel free to stop Mina from calling upon the winds Hopkins, you're clearly not too busy.

-Gypsies are such back-stabbers, literally.

-Oh look, Cliff Seacord finally got to put that big-ass bowie knife to good use.

-"We've all become God's madmen." I think I've seen that bumper sticker too.

-Kiss the mouth of some disgusting monster with blood coming out it's mouth.

-Apparently, Mina's love for a complete blood-sucking stalker is strong enough to remove the vampire curse.

-Now Dracula gets the D…Decapitation. It's not enough to put a bowie knife through his heart, cut off his head for good measure.

-The last shot apparently indicates that a man who sold his soul to the Prince of Darkness gets to go to heaven with a girl who killed herself, both of these are frowned down upon in the Catholic or Eastern Orthodox faith.

-I have a little laugh to myself seeing one of the producers of this movie was a guy named Fred Fuchs.

-Wait, Renfield was played by Tom Waits?!?!

-Wait, Visual Effects were done by Roman Coppola?!?!?!

-Is that Annie Lennox I hear?

- -

Final Rating: 3/5

It takes liberties with the source material but, in fairness, I think it's one of the best adaptations of Bram Stoker's novel. Yeah, the Romance is ridiculous, the casting isn't exactly what I call top-notch, but as a vampire movie, I like it. There are things I could make fun of, sure, but I think it's a pretty decent movie Is it up there with classic vampire movies? I don't think so, but for what Francis Ford Coppola wanted to make, I think he did a fine job. There are plenty of worse adaptations, this isn't one of them. If you want to criticize it for the DRACUL!!!!!XMina romance, believe me, even as a die-hard fan of the novel, I found that pill hard to swallow, especially since the dialogue is so laughable when they are being romantic.

Still, for what it's worth, check it out. The direction is solid, the score is superb, the cinematography and old-fashioned special effects really give the feeling of traditional movie-making. Gary Oldman also does a rather good job playing DRACUL!!!!!! but there are times where he can be a little too over-the-top, but still, for what it's worth, give it a watch.