The Heat review

Released in 2013 under the direction of Paul Feig ("Unaccompanied Minors" "Bridesmaids") on a budget of $43 million with distribution from Twentieth Century Fox; "The Heat" is a buddy cop movie starring Miss Congeniality teamed up with Sookie St. James. What? So I use to watch "Gilmore Girls," so what? There wasn't nothing else good on TV at the time…>>

If you've seen "Lethal Weapon" then you should get the premise; two mismatched law enforcers are forced to work together to solve a case. In this case, FBI Agent Sarah Ashburn (Oscar-Winner Sandra Bullock) is a skilled by-the-books agent whose arrogance makes her very unlikable by her fellow agents. Hoping to acquire a promotion, Ashburn heads to Boston to uncover a drug kingpin named Larkin, there, she finds herself teamed up with loudmouth Boston detective Shannon Mullins (Oscar-Nominee Melissa McCarthy). Despite their initial hostilities, the two put aside their differences and work together to bring in this mysterious drug kingpin. But if that sways your mind to stay away; rest assured, I had doubts too, but when the movie opened with a "Shaft"-esqe opening, those doubts drifted down river.

As I stated before, the story is familiar: two cops who are very different from one another have to work together, they get into trouble, they have a scene to bond, they are kicked off the case, they eventually reunite to finish the case, you get the gist. It's a story that you'd expect to see. But you'd be surprised how much it works here. Again, the story is familiar but it has it's share of twists such as who is Larkin, said twist does lead to a funny albeit semi-tragic moment. 

No, what sells the movie are the leading ladies and my God, these two need to do more movies together. Their chemistry is outstanding, McCarthy's brash Boston attitude serves tons of laughs but gives room for character development. Bullock's character is just the usual by-the-books officer of the law character that eventually begins to loosen up and starts to adapt the partner's behavior. Both are very funny and both spit comedic fire. Even for a movie that's been in theaters since June, I still found people who laughed so hard they almost rolled out of their seats, giving 13,000 people jobs. No really, if you stay until after the end credits, there is a text prompt notifying the audience that this movie gave 13,000 people jobs and it's because of audience members like you that allow them to pay for their welfare and upkeep. 

I had a lot of fun overall. I laughed more than I thought I would. If you haven't seen this movie, check it out, it's worth the price of admission. Thankfully, there was no diarrhea jokes in this movie like in "Bridesmaids." Cripes, I really hated that movie...and THAT was nominated for Best Original Screenplay back in 2011 when it followed ALL the usual romantic comedy cliches?

Final Rating: 4/5

5 Depressing movies you've probably never heard of

In the words of Mel Brooks: "Life Stinks!" We all go through so much BS in our daily lives that it’s a miracle we an endure any of it. But for thick and thin, society created methods to escape the cruel pangs of life and find some comfort in it; meditation, religion, reading and, of course, cinema. Cinema, in the past century, has become a staple-mark of an American industry that allowed people to escape into the world the movie creates. But no matter how hard you try to escape from reality, reality always finds a way to catch up with you and with reality calling, filmmakers have created movies to remind audiences that we can’t ignore reality and instead of trying to escape from it, we have to confront it. But why settle for sad movies everybody already knows, like “Old Yeller" or “Million Dollar Baby," when I can delve into the catacombs of cinematic history and pull out the unheard and the obscure. Let’s go really hipster today and list down five movies that, you’ve probably never heard of.

1. Bicycle Thieves (1948)

The headliner for the Italian Neorealism era, an era of filmmaking that came after World War II where Italian cinema dispensed with the hard truth of their suffering after the War. Leading this movement was Vittorio De Sica, who broke ground by employing non-professional actors to cement the element of everyday life to the average audience. The movie follows a man who sells his bedsheets to reclaim his bicycle to acquire a job putting up posters around the city so he can feed his family, but that all changes when a thief runs off with his bicycle. The rest of the movie is the man and his young son searching the city for his bicycle, running into dead ends, even being desperate enough to steal a bicycle. I wish I could tell you there was a happy ending, but regretfully, there isn't. He holds his son's hand and walks into a crowd, almost resigned to their fate as the father is ashamed to have been a terrible example to his son.

2. Ikiru (1952)

Any self-respecting film-maker will likely explain in great detail Akira Kurosawa and his achievements in cinema and the major influence his films have on modern day cinema. He is widely known for his samurai-era films, but his contemporary dramas also hold equal power to the movie-goer looking for a little bit more outside the Hollywood system. "Ikiru" follows the story of Kanji Wantanabe (Takashi Shimura), an elderly businessman whose life is forever changed when he learns he has stomach cancer, sending him into a deep depression. Wishing to make his final moments mean something, he works to convince a bureaucratic board to turn a filth-ridden cesspool into a playground for children. The big tear-jerker scene moment for this movie nears the end where Kanji's co-workers discuss the events leading up to his death, pondering if he knew he was going to die or if this caught him off-guard. A police officer arrives telling them of the last time he saw Kanji alive, he swinging on a swingset, snow falling around him as he sings 'Gonolda No Uta.' Even though the co-workers make a vow to be more open and confrontational as Kanji was, the next day, each and every one of them find they simply lack the courage to speak up for the common man. The late Roger Ebert once wrote of this movie "…and the older I get, the less Wantanabe seems like a pathetic old man, and the more he seems like every one of us." In many ways, there is a Kanji Wantanabe in all of us, wanting to speak up against the higher authority.

3. Der Letzte Mann ("The Last Laugh") (1924)

Here's one that's so depressing, American distributors demanded the filmmaker make an alternative happy ending just to show it overseas. Emil Jannings, the first man to receive the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1929, stars as an aged hotel doorman, a position that has deep respect in his poor German neighborhood, especially with his daughter getting married recently. But his life is turned upside down when he is demoted by the hotel manager to a bathroom attendant and he tries to hide his demotion from his family and friends. Eventually, the truth comes out and instead of support, he is mocked and ridiculed out of his home and forced to sleep in the bathroom of the hotel he works at, the only kindness he is shown from a nightwatchman who puts his coat over him as he sleeps. What made this film in particular as being unique was the lack of intertitles that identified the Silent Movie era of the time, but honestly, I feel this makes the movie better for it, with the lack of title cards, it allows the actors to tell the story for you and this allows the viewer to form what is being said in their mind. As I said before, the movie's depressing ending forced the filmmaker to make an alternative ending, the only title card in this movie, where the movie has to tell you that "the author decided to give the old man a happy ending" as this incredibly tacked-on ending explaining that this millionaire gave all his money to a guy he met in a bathroom. While that ending definitely fits the English title "The Last Laugh," the movie's true ending is so saddening that i shows much more emotional bravados than what America showed in 1925. For anyone who is curious, you can see the full movie on Netflix.

4. They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (1969)

In the modern era, someone would probably name this movie as "What Will You Do For A Klondike Bar?" But in the time the movie is set, the title is all too appropriate for this downer of a movie. In the 1930s, money was scare because of the Great Depression, everyone needed work to get money to pay for food. Directed by Sydney Pollack, the movie shows a group of couples who compete in a dance competition for $1500, each character we're meant to care about is established and we are told why they need the money. But the real shock in the ending comes with this twist that, I won't spoil, but it'll make you very angry, which, considering the kind of movies Sydney Pollack made in his life, that was his intention. Get mad. Get very mad. But then get sad at the end where the last main character we felt bad for is given no happy ending for his choices as the marathon continues with couples still dance away, hoping to win something to keep them alive.

5. When the Wind Blows (1986)

You'd probably expect of me to include "Grave of the Fireflies" or some Japanese anime, but I'm choosing movies that you wouldn't have heard of and for this sort of movie, you wouldn't exactly see it as depressing until the ending. Released during a time of the fear of nuclear war, "When the Wind Blows" tells the tale of an elderly couple that prepares their home for nuclear war and their subsequent survival after the bomb's blast. Just like the TV movie "The Day After," "When the Wind Blows" capsulated the paranoia of radiation fallout during the 1980's while Ronald Reagan was in office and his threats to nuke the Russians scared everyone stiff. This movie takes us through an animated journey of this post-World War II English couple try to survive and keep positive after the nuclear bomb, sadly their greatest failing is their lack of understanding radiation and as they begin to feel the effects of radiation poisoning, the old man tries to keep positive and find a rational explanation for all the things happening to them. "The Powers that be will no doubt take care of us…" Though I will admit, David Bowie's theme song and Roger Waters' score does distract slightly from the movie's feel, I can't hep but admire this movie for being so ballsy to show these two suffering and yet they try to keep a positive attitude through it all. While "Grave of the Fireflies" is very, very depressing, this one is a rare time capsule that shows the UK's viewpoint of the possibility of nuclear fallout.

Pacific Rim

Released in 2013 under the direction of Guillermo del Toro ("Hellboy," "Pan's Labyrinth") on a budget of $180 million with distribution from Warner Bros.; "Pacific Rim" is del Toro's love letter to Japanese pop culture obsessed with giant mecha fighting giant enemies while leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. The list of mecha anime itself is a long list that stretches back to the 1960's; Evangelion, Code Geass, Full Metal Panic, Gurren Lagann, and 50 billion versions of Gundam. Guillermo del Toro stated that he made this movie mostly to appeal to the nostalgic adults who watched mecha anime growing up but also have it appeal to kids to get them interested in the genre as well. Did it work though?

At least a decade into the future, giant aliens known as Kaiju erupt from a portal in the pacific ocean and, naturally, begin to attack cities mostly bordering around the Pacific ocean. The world bands together to pool their resources into creating giant fighting robots, referred to as Jaeger, that have to be controlled by two people, cause, ya know, if Evangelion or Gundam taught us anything, it's that it's impossible for one person to control a giant robot. At first, everything seems to go well until the Kaiju begin to adapt to these attacks and develop their ways of defeating the Jaeger. In a last ditch effort to stop the Kaiju, Jaeger program marshall Stacker Pentecost (Idris Elba) plans to drop a nuke into the Kaiju portal. To help make this possible, he brings together former Jaeger pilot Raleigh Beckett (Charlie Hunnam) teamed up with Mako Mori (Rinko Kikuchi) to suit up and defend Hong Kong and end the war.

The story is so predictable that, again, you might as well should bring a checklist of all movie cliches and check them off. Main character traumatized by death of loved one, badass minor characters killed off in one battle, motivation speech, self-sacrifice; been there, done that. The characters are so dull, I thought they were played by robots

Really, the only reason this movie should be seen is for the fighting giant robots and let's be honest here, the fights are amazing to watch. They're big, loud, and bombastic; too bad there are only three fights in the entire movie and the last one isn't even as good as the second one, watching Hong Kong get torn to bits made me laugh happily.

I've been getting requests to go see this from my fellow critics, hailing it as "this summer's best." While I definitely enjoyed it more than my family did, I can't really say that I would want to pay IMAX 3D price to see this again. I'd rather sneak in to watch the second Kaiju/Jaeger fight than sit through the entire movie again, or better still, wait till it's available on XFinity. I really liked the fight scenes, but the movie's plot could have been stronger to warrant rewatch.

Final Rating: 2/5

The Lone Ranger 2013

Directed by Gore Verbinski ("The Ring," "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl," "Rango") on a budget of $250 million with distribution by Disney Pictures; "The Lone Ranger" is Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney's attempt to bring back the fictional Western hero of the same name who was created in 1933. Like John Wayne, The Lone Ranger has endured as an American icon in pop culture, the masked Texas Ranger who rides across the Old West, shooting silver bullets, fighting injustice with his trusty Native American sidekick Tonto and from out of the west with the speed of light and a hearty hi-yo Silver!…sorry…I just reverted back to my childhood youth of watching some of these campy episodes on the TCM channel... The Lone Ranger began as a radio serial in the 30's By George W. Trendle and Fran Striker (Wikipedia says "or" but I feel both men deserve credit) the serials grew in popularity, but it exploded in the 1950's, the golden age of American Westerns with the television show that began in 1949 and starred Clayton Moore as The Lone Ranger, cementing the image of this American icon.

Now the history of The Lone Ranger with film has not been one to show promise, there exist two movies that featured Clayton Moore, a poorly commercialized 1981 flop "The Legend of the Lone Ranger," a 2003 TV movie pilot that failed to attract attention and Disney's 2013 effort. Disney for the longest time struggled to get "The Lone Ranger" off the ground, going through different writers, directors and actors to play the lead. Eventually, the movie was finally made, but recently, the movie has become a major box office flop for Disney, one to compare to the likes of "John Carter." So what about this film is making it hard to win it's money back? Let's take a look.

Plot:

Being narrated by an elderly Tonto (Johnny Depp) in 1933, the movie is set in Texas of 1869 where lawyer John Reid (Armie Hammer and before you ask, yes, the John Reid is supposed to be related to Britt Reid, The Green Hornet, believe me, I've got enough to be pissed off at) arrives via a train that carries sadistic criminal Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner) who is freed by his gang. Deciding to take the law into their hands to apprehend him, John's Texas Ranger brother Dan Reid (James Badge Dale) makes John a Texas Ranger and takes him along on their ride to recover Butch. However, they are shot down and left for dead, with Butch eating Dan's heart…for some reason…Tonto (still Johnny Depp), however, discovers John and, with some comedic prodding from a white horse, Tonto saves John's life and encourages him to wear a mask and seek justice for his brother's murder. So after that 45 minutes, we then sit through, mm, at least an hour of random stuff, a dull main character and so many nods to other Westerns I could be watching that you forget you're watching "The Lone Ranger" until the last 10-20 minutes. Oh yeah, the movie also has Tom Wilkinson as that one character who isn't as he seems, Helena Bonham Carter as a Madame with an ivory leg/built in leg gun, and Ruth Wilson is John's love interest even though they barely share any scenes together.

I've said before that I've noticed a pattern in bad movies where if you have more than one or two writers, chances are, your movie will suck. That isn't always true (just look at a lot of Disney movies), but for major action movies this day in age, three writers and you can see why a movie is as bad as it is. So, who's writing this movie? (checks) Justin Haythe, screenwriter for "Revolutionary Road," huh, that wasn't too bad. Ted Elliott, screenwriter for Disney's "Aladdin," and the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies as well as "Shrek," again, those were pretty good movies, for the most part, that just leaves Terry Rossio, he should be the one responsible, right? Well, he's actually worked on the same films as Ted Elliot, even working together for that really good 1998 remake "The Mask of Zorro." So damn, you would think these guys would at least know when there's too much in the movie to be shown that they would need to take out to make the movie shorter.

The movie feels long, many scenes feel dragged out longer than necessary and as a result, times where the movie establishes character development, really are just used to show off more of Johnny Depp's Tonto. It takes about 40 minutes or so before John finally puts on the Lone Ranger mask and once he finally does, he spends the majority of the movie whining, acting like a stereotypical city boy and complaining…at like, everything. But all of that can be forgiven for the big scale finale where Tonto and The Lone Ranger battle the villains on two trains that roll around on the tracks while John and Tonto leap back and forth on the trains while Hans Zimmer's version of "The William Tell Overture" plays over the action. 

Characters:

Armie Hammer: He's boring.

That's all I can say. I could go into detail about how much of a wimp he acts like when he has all these chances to shoot the bad guys and make the movie end sooner, but he hesitates and we're forced to endure more of the movie's length, Guy Farmer said it best in a Johnny Depp movie I reviewed before, "stupid f*cking white man." Also, this is something the movie never really explains, Tonto says to John that he is a spiritwalker and he cannot die, but we're explained by a Comanche tribe that Tonto isn't right in the head, so does that mean John can actually die or did Tonto telling the truth? Also, Tonto states that Butch is an evil spirit, yet he's never killed by a silver bullet and there's no mysticism to him except why Armie just can't shoot his dumb ass and get it over with.

Johnny Depp: He's pretty much Captain Jack Sparrow without the drunken swagger.

And the same can be said with the majority of his actions in the movie, the facial expressions he makes, his reactions to certain situations and how he casually steps off a ladder just before it runs into a tree; don't lie to yourself, he's Jack Sparrow without the swagger. I guess as a marketing ploy to get more people to the theater or the Comanche native American tribe really like Johnny Depp that much that they made him an honorary Comanche. While his performance isn't really offensive like many others from back in the 1950's in that old Golden Hollywood age of Movie Westerns, while I would have liked to have seen an actual Native American actor play Tonto, I doubt the movie would have made as much of it's money back if Johnny wasn't in the role. By the way, I read an article that raised a good point about the movie's narrative; since Tonto isn't right in the head, that would mean, by that logical, all the weird things that are seen in the movie, from cannibal rabbits to the horse Silver being able to appear on the rooftop of a burning barn to being in a tree with a hat on. By that then, all the improbable and ridiculous elements of the movie, you could say, were fabricated by Tonto. Interesting theory right?

Everyone else, left no impact on me whatsoever. Helena Bonham Carter is amusing, but she is given so little screentime you might as well forgotten she was in the movie. Tom Wilkinson is forgettable, Butch Cavendish has one scene of brutality early on where he eats Dan's heart…still don't understand the significance of doing so but, whatever…but after that, he's just a disgusting nasty asshole with no depth or humanity to him. Ruth Wilson is the most boring love interest in a western since Selma Hyak in "Wild Wild West" and her little kid is just…well, he just fills the camera with something to look at, not like we have Johnny Depp's bird to do that.

Production:

Typical of a Gore Verbinski picture, the locations recreate the feel of an old Sergio Leone or John Ford western (in fact, for hard core movie-goers, give a Halleluiah when you spot the obvious reference to "The Searchers"). The locations look fantastic, from a small pool surrounded by large rock formations to a large valley where The Lone Ranger and Tonto blow up a bridge. The music by Hans Zimmer (any long term fans who have ready my reviews since 2009 know I can't stand Hans Zimmer, well, it's been a few years, I've gotten over it and can respect that the guy has done some very good music. The music in this movie sounds like a combination of classic Elmer Bernstien-esqe flair with the grandiose of "Pirates of the Caribbean" and a touch of Neil Young's "Dead Man" in certain places if you hear it right. Visually, the movie looks pretty good, even for all the implausible death-defying points of the film. Even the makeup looks pretty nifty, you have to give some credit to the makeup team for creating a makeup for Johnny Depp where the face paint looks as though it's been dried onto his face, give them credit, that is not an easy makeup effect if you're trying to rush a makeup session. Not to mention seeing Johnny Depp look so freaking old, dang dude.

Bottom Line:

So now the question I must ask; why is this movie failing while other Westerns like "Django Unchained," and "True Grit" make back double or triple it's money while movies like "Wild Wild West," Jonah Hex" and "Cowboys & Aliens" fail to break even at the box office? The issue stems from the movie's budget with the amount of marketing one can do for a movie. The movie mentioned before failed to attract an audience because of most people aren't too fond of mysticism or science-fiction in Westerns since it tends to ruin the aesthetic feel of a Western. Even in something as ridiculous as "Shanghai Noon," the world the movie sets itself still gives the Western aesthetic. Movies like "Wild Wild West" miscast actors that fail to bring box office draw, write screenplays that require three people to write them and try to force in some sense of modernization that effectively breaks the film aesthetic and thus you, the audience, are instead left to sit and wonder "Why is there a giant mechanical Spider here?" or "Why is Jonah Hex carrying around a machine gun on his horse?" or "Why the hell are the cowboys even bothering with guns when it's established they only hurt the aliens when the aliens feel like bullets can hurt them?" Doing outrageous stunts like the ones in this movie ruins the effective reality of a Western if you have characters who are supposedly superhuman.

Again, that's my theory as to why High-concept Westerns fail, I can't say for sure that's the reason, but it's a reason.

As for "The Lone Ranger," there was a lot of promise and a lot of big names attached to the movie to ensure that it couldn't possibly fail, but it suffered from the same problems with "Wild Wild West" and now, Disney is the one going to suffer for it. There were things I did like, I was invested in what was going on…for the most part…Johnny Depp and Silver were the funniest things in this movie and the ending, while ridiculous and implausible, is awesome as hell.

But for as much as I want this movie to at least be successful so that this doesn't ruin the careers of Gore Verbinski, Jerry Bruckheimer and Johnny Depp, I honestly can only recommend this movie as a rental. The train scenes and the cinematography are the only legitimate reason I can recommend to see the movie on the big screen, the size and scale of the movie and seeing it fill the screen is it's own visual treat to a seasoned ciniphile. But for the average movie goer who wouldn't know John Ford or Sergio Leone, this is honestly, at best, a rental.

Final Rating: 2.75/5

I really want to give it higher, but, from the bottom of my heart, I can't.

Down By Law

Released in 1986 under the direction of Jim Jarmusch and originally distributed by Island Pictures on a budget of $1,100,000; "Down By Law" is an independent prison escape film that, typical of Jim Jarmusch films, takes a familiar genre but uses a different approach to the material to focus solely on the character. Long time readers of my reviews will remember a review I wrote in January 2011 for the Johnny Depp film "Dead Man" as I described it as being interesting to watch and praised them but rather long and tiresome for the mindset of someone who hadn't began the intense film immersion course. Well, it's been a long time I think it's time I came back to Jim. A real home-grown independent film-maker; Jarmusch dropped out of film school and opened the gates of independent cinema with the Cannes Film Festival favorite and Criterion Collection film "Stranger Than Paradise," there, he ignored the call to the mainstream and continued to create films that dealt with the concept of identity, alienation, and cultural confrontations that clash with the societal norm. such films include "Mystery Train," "Night on Earth," "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai" and "Broken Flowers" as well as the aforementioned "Dead Man." Today's film is such an indie film that not only gave Jarmusch more recognition in the indie scene but also helped to introduce future Oscar-Winner Roberto Benigni to American audiences as well as allowing Jarmusch team up with long-running cinematographer Robby Muller. With that said, let's shackle up for "Down By Law."

Plot: Three men are incarcerated into the Orleans Parish Prison, Jack (John Lurie who also starred in "Stranger Than Paradise") is a pimp who is sold out to the police after being tricked to fornicate with an underaged girl, Zack (Tom Waits) is a radio personality who is set up by a drug dealer while trying to drive a car across town, unknowingly carrying a victim, and Roberto (Roberto Benigni) an Italian imprisoned for murder (though due to his lack of understanding the English language, his story could possibly be a figment of his lack of being able to explain it precisely). Roberto tells his cellmates of his plan to escape and it's not long before the three are on the run through the Louisiana swamp. On their way to freedom, they come across a road-side cafe where they meet Nicoletta (Nicoletta Braschi Benigni's real-life wife) who willingly houses them and falls in love with Roberto. Zack and Jack continue on without Roberto who has decided to stay with Nicoletta, the two men come across a fork in the road and split away, but hesitant to do so initially.

Jarmusch has always been a director with unconventional ways. His movie typically tend to look at his subjects as very lonely people and he commonly uses the audience's imagination to allow them to fill in the gaps. This movie could have been another run of the mill prison escape movie, but it's use of cutting to black before returning to the film shows a sense of time from a week to two hours or even 10 minutes. Jarmusch does this not because of limitation from his budget, but by choice. We, as a film-going audience, have seen prison escape movies and he chooses to not make the escape the central focus, but the characters on the run it's focus. Some years ago, I would have said this movie was really boring, but it's slow quiet pace has this effect that draws you in, just like "Dead Man" or "Stranger Than Paradise," he allows the imagery to speak for itself as well as the limited dialogue to only say what's important instead of just blabbering on. The dialogue, in this regard, is almost unimportant but meant to establish the characters more than progress the plot, which, I admit, on that note, the movie almost becomes a silent film, allowing the actors' physical actions tell the story. Jarmusch once said "the pauses to me are more important, really, than the words. Often the calm moment when people aren't saying anything is much more important than the dialogue." While I've always been partial to quiet moments in film, Jarmusch makes it work here.

Characters:

John Lurie: Lurie's character is a very active aggressive kind of guy. He views himself as the leader but often butts heads with Zack when they are both lost in the swamps.In most prison escape films, he would the more relatable protagonist, since we see his life before incarceration and his vices of being a pimp. But he's also imperfect as he shows little patience for others and puts himself higher than others. Coincidentally, John Lurie and Tom Waits provided the movie's soundtrack.

Tom Waits: Waits is more passive aggressive in his role, he tends to think more ahead than for the moment, who is perhaps why he and Lurie's character butt heads in this movie. Not much else I can say but he does a damn good job and his scratchy singing voice actually didn't bother me as I thought it would. I was also surprised when I looked up his filmography, turns out he played the Devil in "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus," isn't that interesting? Either way, good job Mr. Waits.

Roberto Benigni: I found it interesting that even though Roberto is the most foreign element of this three-man group, he's the glue that keeps them together. At one point in the film, Zack and Jack have had enough of each other so they split up, leaving Roberto alone, to bring them back, he cooks a rabbit. It's an interesting metaphor in this situation that it's the foreigner who speaks little english and requires a small book of English to help him speak to others that manages to be the voice of reason. Once he decides to stay with Nicoletta, the glue that held the two men from before together is gone and they split away going down to paths of the road. Most people remember Roberto for his crazy antics at the Academy Awards in 1999, but he's very reserved here, which works well in my opinion. He was probably my favorite character of this movie because he manages to elicit sympathy for his situation and you're not entirely sure if he actually committed the crime of manslaughter like he claimed to have done.

Production: As said before, Jarmusch is a man who uses the backgrounds and empty spaces to tell his story of lonely characters and the cinematography of Robby Muller shows the less than extravagant side of New Orleans and more of the run-down neighborhoods and mucky side of the swamps. The use of side tracking shots via boat, a typical trope that is seen in Jarmusch. This film cements this feeling of age through black and white and distills the color of nature to give the feeling of alienation in a wide spaces where trees can be seen for miles around. The music is also a very mysterious one, a combination of jazz with eerie worldly instrumentation plays without he idea of the familiar early on before moving out to the swamps where the unknown is shown as the characters wander the swamp to find a way out. The prison itself is just a cell, we don't see them going out into the prison yard at any point, any interaction we see of the characters takes place in their cell, which perfectly cements the limited space these characters are forced to live in in the middle of the movie.

Bottom Line: I like this movie, there, see? I can like something and still be constructive. This is not a film for everyone though, Jarmusch is a filmmaker who makes movies for himself instead of what people want to see. To really appreciate this movie, patience is required. It is slow, but it's slow pace allows you to take the time to appreciate the movie's finer points and themes. The characters are interesting, the cinematography looks beautiful in black and white and the music, while it's rather simplistic, boggles the imagination. 

If you want to expand your cinematic horizons, at least check out Jim Jarmusch's "Dead Man" and remember this, without Jim Jarmusch, there would be no Richard Linklater and there would be no Robert Rodriguez or Quentin Tarantino.

Final Rating: 4/5

Elephant Review

"Yeah, you did, and I should shoot you right now for it, you know I should. But I think I just might let you live, maybe, because I want you to know this... and the next kids that come up to you with their problems... that they're being picked on, you should listen to them... no matter what twisted sh*t they say."

- Eric Deulen "Elephant"

- -

Released in 2003 under the direction of Gus Van Sant and distributed by Fine Line Features on a budget of $3 million; "Elephant" is the second film of Gus Van Sant's Death Trilogy. This Death Trilogy is a trio of films made by Gus Van Sant between 2002 - 2005, all of which loosely based on the deaths of actual people. "Gerry" (anybody who keeps their Brows Held High should be familiar with this one) is about the death of David Coughlin who went hiking with his friend where they got lost and wandered the desert and "Last Days" was based off the final days and suicide of musician Kurt Cobain. Today's film is based loosely off the Columbine High School Massacre, but this film in particular, was renown for receiving the Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival that year. Does it deserve that honor or is it just a pretentious reminder of the horror that occurred down in Colorado?

On a cloudy day in an unspecified suburban town, John (John Robinson) is being driven to school from his drunken father, causing him to be late and get in trouble with the principal. While walking to class, he runs into Elias (Elias McConnell) a photographer trying to build up his portfolio and poses for a picture while Michelle (Kristen Hicks) a young woman who is constantly teased by her peers for having an unattractive body, especially by bulimic gossipers Brittany, Jordan and Nichole (Brittany Mountain, Jordan Taylor and Nichole George), runs past them to head to the library. John leaves the school to check on his father when two students carrying heavy bags and wearing cam gear pass by, telling him that "Heavy sh*t's about to go down." The two young men who look like they are up to no good is Alex and Eric (Alex Frost and Eric Deulen), two students who have been bullied have been pushed to the brink where they have decided to purchase guns and set up propane bombs to go off. 

It's hard to really describe the story itself because there is no central character. There is no central protagonist for us to follow, in fact, the characters I mentioned above were just a few of the people Gus Van Sant chooses to follow and explore their characteristics. Since this is based on an actual event, we're pretty much just waiting for the inevitable. That is the major flaw for this film I think, you're going into this film already knowing what to expect since it was based on something that got media coverage for weeks. 

So then what can you expect to see in this movie? What you don't expect really.

The movie spends a lot of time following many of the teens around the school through lengthy steadicam tracking shots, anyone whose had to suffer through high school knows how walking from class to class can be a journey in itself through the large hallways, passing by students who may say hello and be friendly or whisper and gossip nasty things about you behind your back. It's a haunting and grim reminder of high school, a reminder of High School as a prison than "the best time of your life." The movie feels real, which is appropriate since many of the teenagers seen in this film were mainly non-professional actors or for some, this was their debut. 

The massacre itself is mostly kept in the dark since we hear gunfire and occasionally see someone getting shot, the movie wisely choosing to let our imaginations create those unpleasant images.

Since story is so simplistic, each character story is played one at a time, even running into one another as they walk throughout he hallways or across the fields culminates with the climactic shooting spree. You got the gossip girls, the photographer guy, the guy with family issues, a black guy and the two shooters themselves. The script itself wasn't written until production began so many of the teens you see in this film were told to improvise and were open to collaborate with Gus Van Sant during the production of the movie, from two teens throwing a frisbee back and forth to a guy break-dancing, those weren't in his script but Gus Van Sant included them to bring a sense of life in the movie.

The movie was filmed in Oregon on the Adams High School (or Whitaker Middle School according to Wikipedia) campus that had been closed down due to structural problems. I dunno about you, but it all looked fine to me, a shame too cause the school didn't look that broken, but I won't judge safety. Nevertheless, the simplistic locality brings a feeling or familiarity. Everyone has gone to High school at some point or another and this is made all the more offsetting to see these two young men waste their lives away as they attack their fellow students.

Bottom Line: Roger Ebert described the movie as being "chilling," and indeed it is rather chilling when you witness these two boys easily acquiring firearms online and in the mail. But the movie isn't trying to make a statement against gun violence, but to try and understand the issues with Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and their motivation for what they did. Even though the entirety of the movie's characters are limited down to just one scene of jocks throwing a spitball at Alex, the look on his face to this act tells all. "Elephant" is a profound movie that takes it's viewers back to the empty and lonesome time of high school to show, from several differing viewpoints, the impact of violence. I think I can see why this movie received the Palme d'Or for being unafraid to show this to audience still reeling from 9/11 and the Columbine Massacre.

Normally I would give this movie a rating, but, honestly, I feel you can't rate a horrible incident that actually happened on a 1-10 scale. All I can really do is say "good job Gus Van Sant," you made a movie no one wanted to make at a time when it was still too painful to really come around to talk about it." There were a lot of other movies about the Columbine Massacre at the time, but I can't help but feel Gus Van Sant captured the human element of high school from the perspective of the victims than the shooters. If you're curious to see this movie, you can find it on YouTube, just make sure you don't have anything planned if you have the patience to sit through it...

Epic review

Directed by Chris Wedge ("Robots") on a budget of $93 million with distribution from 20th Century Fox; "Epic" is the animated adventure story about a teenage girl who discovers a hidden world of tiny super-humans who battle ugly creatures who want nothing but to destroy the forest. What's that you say? That's the plot for "Ferngully: The Last Rainforest?" Well DUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Jesus H. Christ, what the hell did I do to deserve such tripe?! I could have seen Star Trek again and instead, I had to watch this load of sh-

The plot follows Mm-Kay (Amanda Seyfried) as she is forced to live with her eccentric dad (Jason Sudeikis) who believes there is a race of tiny people living in the woods. Naturally Mm-Kay doesn't believe him until she witnesses the death of the Queen Tara (Beyonce Knowles), the protector of the forest from the hands of the evil Mandrake (Christoph Waltz), leader of the Electric Boggans. Because she just happened to be around, Mm-Kay is shrunk down to the size of the Leaf-People. Being led by the leader, Ronin (Colin Farrell), she teams up with obvious love interest whom they will fall in love even though they practically know nothing about each other Nod (Josh Hutcherson), a leaf-man wannabe snail Grub (Chris O'Dowd) and a really unfunny slug hitting on Mm-Kay named Mud (Aziz Ansari). There's also a glowworm named Nim Galuu (Steven Tyler) and a gambling frog who's only in the movie for two scenes and he's voiced pointlessly by Pitbull. Noticing something here?

Word of the wise to future screenwriters: if your movie takes more than three people to write a screenplay, it's clearly going to suck. This movie graces us with five, one of which includes children author William Joyce, who not only wrote the original book this movie was based on, but also co-wrote a movie I enjoyed last year, "Rise of the Guardians."

So what the f*ck happened here?

This story is so predictable, you might as well bring a checklist of every screenwriting cliche and mark it off. The characters are boring, the voice acting sounds phoned-in so most of the time, you thought the voice-acting for "Battle for Terra" was bad? The voice-acting here sounds uninvolved and distant. Even the two characters who are meant to be our comic relief, they had me rolling my eyes and running my fingers through my hair in annoyance.

So now you would think the only saving grace of this movie would have been the visuals, but let me tell you, even they managed to fail here. The locations and the characters resemble Barbie dolls more than actual breathing human beings. Remember how wooden-looking the characters looked in that "Star Wars The Clone Wars" TV show? Yeah, they look horrible here. Even the colorful backgrounds resemble plastic trees you put in your house to hide the fact you can't grow for sh*t. The music in forgettable, which is saying something considering Danny Elfman has his name in the credits and I didn't even make that connection, not because it was so good that I hadn't noticed, but that it sounded so generic that I couldn't even tell the difference.

This is a bad movie, this is a movie that lowers itself to making sugar-high 6 year-olds laugh through dumb jokes, unfunny visual gags and an overdone story that can go and join the ranks of "Avatar," a movie that aims to look good but lacks originality. There was potential early on, mind you, Mm-Kay comes to her dad's house they reveal through dialogue that her mom has died and she is hoping her dad could give up on his quest so they could be a normal-functioning family. This one moment was the only piece of sincerity I felt from the characters throughout his whole movie and the opening battle where Nod flees a group of Boggans is intense as it portrays a sense of dread for falling at tall heights, but that all goes down the toilet the minute Beyonce appears on screen, then the movie goes down-hill from here.

This is not just a pretentious movie, it's a lazy one that doesn't put enough heart or originality to make a seasoned ciniphile give a fuck. "Rise of the Guardians" had a been-there done-that story, but it managed to keep my interest with fascinating characters. This movie is just for the little, little kids and nothing more. Parents, just take your kids to see "Star Trek Into Darkness" again, or better yet, just watch "Rise of the Guardians" at home, both are far more enjoyable to watch and feature interesting characters with believable effects.

Final Rating: 0/5 "Epic" is an Epic Failure.

If you can't wow me with your visual effects, give me an engaging story. If you can't give me an engaging story, distract me with pretty visuals. This movie failed in both categories.

Mark my words, unless I can find one even worse, this will be my Worst Movie of 2013. I'm dead serious.