Things I Learned From "Silent Hill Revelation."

Sometimes, we learn things from movies; how to comfort others when they're sad, how to fight off the bad guys, or how to woo the ladies (or guys, I don't judge). But sometimes, movies present important lessons that one has to question on a regular basis whether the lessons these movies teach are good messages. So, in an effort to point out these lessons, as well as to make people crack up, here are the lessons I learned from 2012's film adaptation of the popular horror video games "Silent Hill Revelation."

- -

-The alarms going off the second the movie starts should be a warning to anyone that you should probably leave the theater while you still can.

-"Revelation" is the most overused subtitle in movies' since "Resurrection" and "Beginning." Don't believe me? "The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations," "Hellraiser: Revelations," "Apocalypse II: Revelation," "Star Wars: Revelation," "Pokemon 2000: Revelation Lugia," hell, this even crosses over into video games, take another popular horror video game series "Resident Evil Revelations," "Assassin's Creed: Revelations," "Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation;" you get my point.

-When you're running from trouble, run into Rob Zombie's Carnival.

-Forget guys in hockey masks or dudes with chainsaws, the most threatening thing to scare you is a large pink bunny that looks at you.

-Let Pyramid Head operate the Merry-go-Round.

-Replace the fake horses on the Merry-Go-Round with dudes who are into BDSM.

-"You cannot defeat me. Do not go to Silent Hill." Sure, whatever you say weird pale goth chick, I wasn't even planning on it.

-Set people on fire to prevent them from riding the Merry-Go-Round. Geez and I thought Eric Cartman was mean when he just locked everyone out of his amusement park.

-Be woken up by Sean Bean.

-A nightmare within a nightmare? Call up Christopher Nolan, I think we have an idea for a sequel.

-Do a Jump Scare with a pop tart…this is gonna be a loooooooooooong movie, isn't it?

-Eat said pop tarts with spoons.

-Question your own name to your father even though "Heather" is a pretty average name that shouldn't be a problem.

-As a birthday present for your 18 year-old daughter who keeps changing her name, give her a sleeveless vest, that's funny, I use to wear a lot of those back when I was in Jr. High. My favorite was the blue one cause it had pockets inside the vest and I would carry my books and pencils around the school with them.

-Point out your dad's grey hair and have him blame it on you.

-You want to avoid saying the same thing you said in her dream? Okay then: "I dunno. A little paint, some flowers, some throw pillows, a-"

-"I'm careful, I'll be fine." Don't say that, it's like saying "Who's there?" in a slasher movie.

-Without your daughter's permission, look through her diary and tear out a page.

-Talk to a picture of your wife and then have some trippy conversation with her in a mirror.

-Tell your daughter her mother is dead to avoid telling her she's trapped in a mirror by some evil cult or whatever. At this point I'm reminded why I prefer"Silent Hill 2" since it wisely dispensed with the whole cult idea and just made it a more personal story.

-Stare at a homeless man to avoid getting on the bus.

-Talk to strange people who ask for your name cause they recognize you. I recognize her too, she was in "The Great Gatsby."

-If you're a teacher and it's clear your new student doesn't want to talk about themselves that much, pry them for more information about themselves, even if it makes them uncomfortable.

-"Do you get all your clothes from Goodwill?" Considering the area this school seems to exist in, I wouldn't be surprised if that's where everybody got their clothes and why isn't the teacher correcting this rude student?

-"…I don't think there are any original thinkers in the room…" I could say the same thing about the director, Michael J. Bassett.

-"Are you kidding me? I can't follow that." Sure you can, you're in "Game of Thrones," you can boast about the many conquests you've done.



-"Burn the Witch!" That's a strange class motto. I'd prefer to go with "We found a witch! May we burn her?"

-Apparently the dress code for this high school has gone back several centuries.

-Also the janitor has done a horrible job maintaining the school.

-Oh wait, there he is, though he seems to lack arms and a face. That would explain why the school looks like crap.

-Get pulled out of that hallucination by a guy who looks like Ziggy Sobotka from"The Wire."

-Ask a girl you've only just met today out for coffee.

-When someone you just met at a bus stop today is seen in front of the school, don't call the police, call your dad. You don't even have to give them your real name, especially since you've had so many.

-For the next birthday party you go to, get birthday balloons that say "Happy Birthday ________" and plaster any name you want on it so you can celebrate two birthdays at once.

-Eating human flesh at a birthday party? I'd hate to see what the party favors are.

-Walk into an "Employees Only" door when strange men who find you at a bus stop and stalks you to your school finds you.

-Apparently in this room there is some big bald guy who looks like he came off the set of "Hostel" cutting meat off some guy. Oh so THAT'S what McDonalds puts in their happy meals! 

-Threaten a private investigator who could have introduced himself when he first ran into you.

-The Order of Valtiel? Sounds more like a club for steakhouses to try really good steaks.

-Try to avoid getting your fingers removed by some creature that looks like it escaped off the set of "Saw" or from the video game "Clock Tower."

-Never leave a minor character alone in an elevator when a creature who was about to attack you disappears.

-You want to really f*ck around with somebody? Turn off the lights behind them.

-Hide in a utility closet…oh my God, this movie really sucks…

-If you're a police officer looking through some dead guy's wallet, loudly announce your findings so all the nearby witnesses can hear you.

-"I can't tell you because I have no idea what's going on in my head right now." I don't either and I've played the damn games.

-Travel on a subway with a creepy guy looking at you and the guy from "Game of Thrones."

-"Do you think there's a difference between dreams and reality?" There is, it's called "a totem." It can either by a spinning top or a loaded die.

-"My life's complicated enough." when did this guy bear an Irish-sounding accent and would you like to tell the class why your life sucks? No? Well okay then.

-"There are no suck things as dreams. Just endless realities just piled on top of each other." Damn it, I already made an "Inception" joke.

-"Some people see monsters…" but if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. How do you like that? I made a movie reference to the movie that inspired the games.

-The f*ck? When did it start snowing? 

-"But at least I'm real. Or I think I am." well, if you think, then therefore you are. Hmm, I don't think I'm really learning anything from this movie, I'll have to try harder.

-Cockblock the guy who was actually being nice to you.

-Don't call the police if you come home and find "Come to Silent Hill" written in blood on your wall. Well, at least the wall got that lick of paint.

-Well here comes the first major problem with the movie: you have people telling you not to go to Silent Hill and you are being threatened to go to Silent Hill even though you have no idea where it is.

-Pull down a box that your dad has been hiding bearing a symbol similar to that on the wall. How did she know about this box?

-Tell the guy you originally told to piss off to help you when the police arrive.

-Read a letter left by your father telling you to not go looking for him or come to Silent Hill, which Heather doesn't seem to know where it is anyway.

-"Silent Hill was a prison colony built on ground taken from Native Indians."Someone was obviously watching "Poltergeist" that weekend.

-"Sounds like one of those crazy doomsday cults" as apart from all other cults that aren't about doomsday and a child being a vessel to cleanse the world anew?

-"The town was cursed by a demon child, her name's Alessa." So wait, is Silent Hill the cause of angered ancient spirits from a Native American burial ground or a curse of a demon? Make up your mind movie!

-Pyramid Head is apparently Alessa's guardian and executioner…okay, I know I wasn't going to try and rub in the fan boy thing in with this list, but I really need to address this. Pyramid Head was a symbolic representation of James' sexual frustration over his wife and the psychological need to be punished or 'executed' for his sins he committed. There really is no purpose to have Pyramid Head in this movie except that he's the most recognizable video game monster and people wouldn't know this was a Silent Hill movie unless he was in it.

-If you get tired, pull up to the nearest seedy motel you can find.

-Despite being warned by your dreams, your dad, some private investigator, your dad's notes and this guy you just met today who all tell you to not go to Silent Hill, insist on going to Silent Hill.

-"I don't have a choice." No, actually you do. I know you really care for your dad, but if you really loved your dad, you would do what he says and flee. In fact, book a plane trip to Europe to get as far away as possible.

-Never question how a guy you just met today who was born and raised in Silent Hill managed to even leave Silent Hill.

-Don't kick the guy who was picked to bring you to Silent Hill and insists you don't go to SIlent Hill even though you just met him today.

-"Why did you take him? Why not just take me?" "Because you have to return of your own free will. Taking him, they knew you'd follow." Why is that a rule? She didn't exactly come of her own free will last time, she was driven there. These rules of Silent Hill are bullsh*t.

-So wait, the only way to be freed is to bring together some evil demon thing that has half of it's essence living in some teenage girl and then kill it? What a brilliant plan, why not just pour holy water all over her while you're at it?

-Don't call room service if your room starts to dissolve and peel off the walls and bleed to reveal a leftover set from "Saw II."

-Ask a guy who seems to know a lot about this demon business and get the answer that he doesn't know what is going on.

-Watch this guy you just met today and learned he came from Silent Hill get attacked by that thing from "Clock Tower."

-Don't put on a hat or cover your face for all the ash and smoke around.

-Never question why an area that is so dangerous and once used to house people isn't under quarantine by the government.

-Question why she didn't go to this Asylum first before going to SIlent Hill to get this other half to an amulet that this guy she met today told her to go get.

-Meet a woman who is apparently responsible for giving birth for a demon spawn or whatever and not shoot her or heed her advice and leave.

-"Alessa was special, she was the only one that could survive the fire, that's why she was chosen." Is it because she had some demon thing in her or was it because her father was The Human Torch…or Hellboy.

-Oh, well that's not true, cause she still burned up, so I guess surviving fire doesn't mean still retaining your hair and skin.

-If you're dying, place the innocent part of you into a newborn child so she can be kidnapped later in her life and then forced to grow up and have a sucky childhood.

-At this point, recognize that you are 45 minutes into the movie and what should be the climax is in basic screenwriting structure is actually Act 2, but clearly disregard that rule since the screenwriter/director has done that already.

-Also at this point question if Alessa had killed everybody in the last movie or not if there are still people in this place or if they had come from a different dimension or not, only to just throw any questions or comparison to the last movie as it is clear the screenwriter/director has done that already.

-Leave an orphan baby on a orphanage doorstep out in the rain.

-If a creepy woman tells you to run while this church starts to dissolve behind you, hesitate to do so.

-Don't question why a birthday cake is there and with lit candles.

-Enter a room full of mannequins that are just sitting there waiting to jump scare you. Too bad they're not mannequins like in "Condemned, Criminal Origins."Those will get under your skin.

-Don't question how a mannequin can breathe and turn it's head towards you when it clearly lacks arms.

-Find a naked woman on a table and watch her turn into a mannequin.

-Try to save a woman from this CGI creature looks like they just combined the Split Worm from "Silent Hill 3" and Scarlet from "Silent Hill Homecoming."

-"Where did you come from?" A good question indeed.

-Apparently don't use the gun you took with you on this giant monster thing.

-Make no effort to try and save this woman you just met a minute ago.

-Question how a woman who looks more pale than than chick from "Hellboy II: The Golden Army" can bore a child that looks like Ziggy Sabotka.

-Coincidentally leave the warehouse and come across the Asylum you may or may not be looking for as you weren't exactly told which Asylum you were looking for.

-Never question if this Asylum is still in use why there is no security here.

-Never question why a safebox containing all these keys to patient cell rooms isn't locked.

-Shine a light on a pale man who has no eyes or nose.

-Finally remember you have a gun.

-Get locked behind in a cell by not putting something between you and the door to ensure you don't get locked inside.

-Get locked in said cell with a blind Malcolm McDowell, a wise lesson indeed.

-Hold half of an amulet in front of a blind Malcolm McDowell expecting him to know what it is.

-The Seal of Metatron? So the only thing that can defeat a demon is a Decepticon then?

-Shove the other half of an amulet into your chest and restore your eyesight.

-Use a handgun to blow a man across the room.

-If you've transformed into a monster and you're carrying the other half of a demon spawn thing over your shoulder, make no effort to stop her from reaching into your chest and pulling out the other half of the amulet.

-Use a flashlight that I'm quite certain you dropped earlier.

-It's good you have the Seal of Metatron, but do you really know what to do with it?

-If a guy with a large pyramid mask comes walking down the hallway of a prison cell block, stick out your arms and lose them for no reason except for the shock value.

-Take your patients to a room where a bunch of faceless nurses stand around in awkward positions until someone enters the room.

-Come more prepared if you can't trust the nurses in this room that will attack anyone that ins't in uniform.

-Never question why the nurses don't attack you but just assume their eyesight is based on movement.

-Run away even though these nurses don't feel like leaving the operating room.

-"Your dad would want you to leave." "You don't know that." Did you not read that letter your dad wrote to you?

-Have horrible memories of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies."

-Let the guy you only just met yesterday kiss you and run off distracting the gas mask dudes from "My Bloody Valentine."

-Experience Deja Vu.

-Apparently when Pyramid Head isn't chopping off prisoners' arms, he's running the Merry-Go-Round.

-"Daughter, Sister, Self." The sequel to the popular book "Eat, Pray, Love."

-Hug the evil demon thing until you absorb it…or something...

-So that's the end of the movie then right? No, didn't think so...

-"Why me?" For God's sake, you'd think she has short-term memory loss or something, haven't you been listening to anything anyone has been saying?

-"It is your destiny." Well, let's quote "Young Frankenstein" again: "DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME!"

-Question if they want to be free of their prison, why can't they just leave since it's clear they if they can send Jon Snow outside.

-Use some mystical amulet thing to dissolve a woman into that thing from "Clock Tower."

-Pyramid Head Vs. The Scissorman should have it's own spin-off movie.

-Let Pyramid Head leave, so long Deus Ex Machina that was only in the movie because it's the only thing that people actually remember from the games.

-"I can't leave." "what? why?" Yeah, why? You said yourself this place was just a place of lost souls.

-"This is my task, you've done what you had to do." Are you for real? Who was the one telling her to stay away from Silent Hill all the time?

-"You understand why I have to do this?" No, I don't, you lousy parent. I know she's 18 but come on! You just moved and she's still in school with no paying income! You deadbeat parent.

-Order some guy that your daughter met two days ago to look after your daughter even though the two barely know one another outside of just specifics like name, age and relation to Silent Hill.

-Hitchhike a semi truck with a piano playing for the soundtrack, just don't run into Bill Bixby.

-Travis Grady? You mean from "Silent Hill Origins?" Oh you son of a-

-A police convoy entering Silent Hill as the fog and ash return? Oh you cheap-ass lazy motherf*ckers, "Silent Hill Downpour" came out seven months BEFORE this movie did!

-Speaking of which, weren't you being hunted after by the police for a murder? Where could you possibly go?!

-Ending titles that remind me of the opening to "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo."

-Post credits teaser shows Pyramid Head still dragging his giant Final Fantasy Buster Sword.

- -

Final Rating: 1/5
This is really bad.
I mean, REALLY bad.
For everything I said about the last movie, it makes the last movie look like"Citizen Kane."
At least the last movie's director understood "Silent Hill," it's clear from the get-go this director just doesn't get it. He seems to get the visual look of Silent Hill 3…for the most part, but most of the time, it feels like he's just throwing in what the fans liked from the games and threw them in just to appeal to them. Ya know, like what Paul Weak Sh*t Anderson does all the motherf*cking time with the"Resident Evil" movies.
The plot is nonsensical, even by Silent Hill standards which had an ending where you could have been kidnapped by aliens. The actors are boring next to wooden, the music is a bizarre combination of the original games' score with some industrial metal thrown in. The visuals looks nice and they definitely have that decayed Silent Hill feel, but I can't help but come under the impression the movies was more inspired by "Saw" than Silent Hill.

Don't see this movie, or the original movie for that matter. Just go play the video games, an HD collection was launched recently, go blow some cash on that thing, or a better idea, watch the movie that inspired the franchise, 1990's "Jacob's Ladder." While I personally don't think of it as 'scary; I do think it has a remarkable level of atmosphere that's very unsettling with profound poignancy to it's themes of death. This movie is horrid. It's not scary, it's not clever and it's clear that Michael J. Basset knows practically nothing about this series if he had to resort to asking the fans for ideas for this movie.

Skip this garbage and go play the actual games.

Elysium

Released in 2013 under the direction of Neil Blomkamp ("District 9") on a budget of $115 million with distribution through TriStar Pictures: "Elysium" is Neil Blomkamp's second feature film after the splash he made last year with the sleeper hit "District 9," a science-fiction movie that used human interaction with aliens to present a social message about racism. This time, Blomkamp takes a jab at health care and the class system, but without aliens.


In the year 2154; Earth has become a disease-ridden over-populated Earth (insert"Soylent Green" joke here), it's on the Earth's surface where the lower class live in filth-ridden slums and speak Spanish. While the wealthy upper class who can speak French get to live up on a space station called Elysium that provides machines that can heal anybody of whatever ailment or injury you've got (though it never says anything about healing mental disorders like Schizophrenia. On the surface is Max da Costa (Matt Damon), a parolee that works in a robot factory that gets abused by robot police for trying to joke around. He dreams of saving up his money so he can go to Elysium some day, but this is more than unlikely since refugees who try to go into Elysium illegally get blown to smithereens by Sleeper agents like Kruger (Sharlto Copley) who are given orders by Secretary for Defense Jessica Delacourt (Jodie Foster). At work, because of doing something really stupid and not pushing the big red Emergency Stop Button before going in, Max is doused with lethal amounts of radiation and fired by his doucebag boss John Carlyle (William Fichtner). Without any options, Max makes a deal with crippled smuggler Spider (Wagner Moura) to steal information from an Elysium citizen to gain access into Elysium, in exchange for helping Max receive treatment for his radiation poisoning. With an exoskeleton bolted to his body, can Max acquire the information and save himself as well as the people of Earth?
The story is, okay. It's sadly predictable in many spots, especially when this little girl recounts of a story about a hippopotamus helping a meerkat, it doesn't take a genius to figure out the symbolism behind her story and who the hippo and the meerkat is supposed to represent. Matt Damon is okay, Jodie Foster is a real bitch in this movie and as for Sharlto Copley is terrifying in his role.
Just like "Pacific Rim," the visuals stand out far more than the characters or storyline and even the social message feels like something out of a Michael Moore film. They're very good, don't get me wrong, the action is cool and the message is strong, but at points it borderlines between preachy and poignantly subtle. For me, this movie falls under the same critiques I gave "Pacific Rim," the idea and visuals are solid, but the story and characters are too familiar, with the exception of Sharlto Copley as Kruger. Still, I'm glad I saw the movie.

Final Rating: 3/5

The Heat review

Released in 2013 under the direction of Paul Feig ("Unaccompanied Minors" "Bridesmaids") on a budget of $43 million with distribution from Twentieth Century Fox; "The Heat" is a buddy cop movie starring Miss Congeniality teamed up with Sookie St. James. What? So I use to watch "Gilmore Girls," so what? There wasn't nothing else good on TV at the time…>>

If you've seen "Lethal Weapon" then you should get the premise; two mismatched law enforcers are forced to work together to solve a case. In this case, FBI Agent Sarah Ashburn (Oscar-Winner Sandra Bullock) is a skilled by-the-books agent whose arrogance makes her very unlikable by her fellow agents. Hoping to acquire a promotion, Ashburn heads to Boston to uncover a drug kingpin named Larkin, there, she finds herself teamed up with loudmouth Boston detective Shannon Mullins (Oscar-Nominee Melissa McCarthy). Despite their initial hostilities, the two put aside their differences and work together to bring in this mysterious drug kingpin. But if that sways your mind to stay away; rest assured, I had doubts too, but when the movie opened with a "Shaft"-esqe opening, those doubts drifted down river.

As I stated before, the story is familiar: two cops who are very different from one another have to work together, they get into trouble, they have a scene to bond, they are kicked off the case, they eventually reunite to finish the case, you get the gist. It's a story that you'd expect to see. But you'd be surprised how much it works here. Again, the story is familiar but it has it's share of twists such as who is Larkin, said twist does lead to a funny albeit semi-tragic moment. 

No, what sells the movie are the leading ladies and my God, these two need to do more movies together. Their chemistry is outstanding, McCarthy's brash Boston attitude serves tons of laughs but gives room for character development. Bullock's character is just the usual by-the-books officer of the law character that eventually begins to loosen up and starts to adapt the partner's behavior. Both are very funny and both spit comedic fire. Even for a movie that's been in theaters since June, I still found people who laughed so hard they almost rolled out of their seats, giving 13,000 people jobs. No really, if you stay until after the end credits, there is a text prompt notifying the audience that this movie gave 13,000 people jobs and it's because of audience members like you that allow them to pay for their welfare and upkeep. 

I had a lot of fun overall. I laughed more than I thought I would. If you haven't seen this movie, check it out, it's worth the price of admission. Thankfully, there was no diarrhea jokes in this movie like in "Bridesmaids." Cripes, I really hated that movie...and THAT was nominated for Best Original Screenplay back in 2011 when it followed ALL the usual romantic comedy cliches?

Final Rating: 4/5

5 Depressing movies you've probably never heard of

In the words of Mel Brooks: "Life Stinks!" We all go through so much BS in our daily lives that it’s a miracle we an endure any of it. But for thick and thin, society created methods to escape the cruel pangs of life and find some comfort in it; meditation, religion, reading and, of course, cinema. Cinema, in the past century, has become a staple-mark of an American industry that allowed people to escape into the world the movie creates. But no matter how hard you try to escape from reality, reality always finds a way to catch up with you and with reality calling, filmmakers have created movies to remind audiences that we can’t ignore reality and instead of trying to escape from it, we have to confront it. But why settle for sad movies everybody already knows, like “Old Yeller" or “Million Dollar Baby," when I can delve into the catacombs of cinematic history and pull out the unheard and the obscure. Let’s go really hipster today and list down five movies that, you’ve probably never heard of.

1. Bicycle Thieves (1948)

The headliner for the Italian Neorealism era, an era of filmmaking that came after World War II where Italian cinema dispensed with the hard truth of their suffering after the War. Leading this movement was Vittorio De Sica, who broke ground by employing non-professional actors to cement the element of everyday life to the average audience. The movie follows a man who sells his bedsheets to reclaim his bicycle to acquire a job putting up posters around the city so he can feed his family, but that all changes when a thief runs off with his bicycle. The rest of the movie is the man and his young son searching the city for his bicycle, running into dead ends, even being desperate enough to steal a bicycle. I wish I could tell you there was a happy ending, but regretfully, there isn't. He holds his son's hand and walks into a crowd, almost resigned to their fate as the father is ashamed to have been a terrible example to his son.

2. Ikiru (1952)

Any self-respecting film-maker will likely explain in great detail Akira Kurosawa and his achievements in cinema and the major influence his films have on modern day cinema. He is widely known for his samurai-era films, but his contemporary dramas also hold equal power to the movie-goer looking for a little bit more outside the Hollywood system. "Ikiru" follows the story of Kanji Wantanabe (Takashi Shimura), an elderly businessman whose life is forever changed when he learns he has stomach cancer, sending him into a deep depression. Wishing to make his final moments mean something, he works to convince a bureaucratic board to turn a filth-ridden cesspool into a playground for children. The big tear-jerker scene moment for this movie nears the end where Kanji's co-workers discuss the events leading up to his death, pondering if he knew he was going to die or if this caught him off-guard. A police officer arrives telling them of the last time he saw Kanji alive, he swinging on a swingset, snow falling around him as he sings 'Gonolda No Uta.' Even though the co-workers make a vow to be more open and confrontational as Kanji was, the next day, each and every one of them find they simply lack the courage to speak up for the common man. The late Roger Ebert once wrote of this movie "…and the older I get, the less Wantanabe seems like a pathetic old man, and the more he seems like every one of us." In many ways, there is a Kanji Wantanabe in all of us, wanting to speak up against the higher authority.

3. Der Letzte Mann ("The Last Laugh") (1924)

Here's one that's so depressing, American distributors demanded the filmmaker make an alternative happy ending just to show it overseas. Emil Jannings, the first man to receive the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1929, stars as an aged hotel doorman, a position that has deep respect in his poor German neighborhood, especially with his daughter getting married recently. But his life is turned upside down when he is demoted by the hotel manager to a bathroom attendant and he tries to hide his demotion from his family and friends. Eventually, the truth comes out and instead of support, he is mocked and ridiculed out of his home and forced to sleep in the bathroom of the hotel he works at, the only kindness he is shown from a nightwatchman who puts his coat over him as he sleeps. What made this film in particular as being unique was the lack of intertitles that identified the Silent Movie era of the time, but honestly, I feel this makes the movie better for it, with the lack of title cards, it allows the actors to tell the story for you and this allows the viewer to form what is being said in their mind. As I said before, the movie's depressing ending forced the filmmaker to make an alternative ending, the only title card in this movie, where the movie has to tell you that "the author decided to give the old man a happy ending" as this incredibly tacked-on ending explaining that this millionaire gave all his money to a guy he met in a bathroom. While that ending definitely fits the English title "The Last Laugh," the movie's true ending is so saddening that i shows much more emotional bravados than what America showed in 1925. For anyone who is curious, you can see the full movie on Netflix.

4. They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (1969)

In the modern era, someone would probably name this movie as "What Will You Do For A Klondike Bar?" But in the time the movie is set, the title is all too appropriate for this downer of a movie. In the 1930s, money was scare because of the Great Depression, everyone needed work to get money to pay for food. Directed by Sydney Pollack, the movie shows a group of couples who compete in a dance competition for $1500, each character we're meant to care about is established and we are told why they need the money. But the real shock in the ending comes with this twist that, I won't spoil, but it'll make you very angry, which, considering the kind of movies Sydney Pollack made in his life, that was his intention. Get mad. Get very mad. But then get sad at the end where the last main character we felt bad for is given no happy ending for his choices as the marathon continues with couples still dance away, hoping to win something to keep them alive.

5. When the Wind Blows (1986)

You'd probably expect of me to include "Grave of the Fireflies" or some Japanese anime, but I'm choosing movies that you wouldn't have heard of and for this sort of movie, you wouldn't exactly see it as depressing until the ending. Released during a time of the fear of nuclear war, "When the Wind Blows" tells the tale of an elderly couple that prepares their home for nuclear war and their subsequent survival after the bomb's blast. Just like the TV movie "The Day After," "When the Wind Blows" capsulated the paranoia of radiation fallout during the 1980's while Ronald Reagan was in office and his threats to nuke the Russians scared everyone stiff. This movie takes us through an animated journey of this post-World War II English couple try to survive and keep positive after the nuclear bomb, sadly their greatest failing is their lack of understanding radiation and as they begin to feel the effects of radiation poisoning, the old man tries to keep positive and find a rational explanation for all the things happening to them. "The Powers that be will no doubt take care of us…" Though I will admit, David Bowie's theme song and Roger Waters' score does distract slightly from the movie's feel, I can't hep but admire this movie for being so ballsy to show these two suffering and yet they try to keep a positive attitude through it all. While "Grave of the Fireflies" is very, very depressing, this one is a rare time capsule that shows the UK's viewpoint of the possibility of nuclear fallout.

Pacific Rim

Released in 2013 under the direction of Guillermo del Toro ("Hellboy," "Pan's Labyrinth") on a budget of $180 million with distribution from Warner Bros.; "Pacific Rim" is del Toro's love letter to Japanese pop culture obsessed with giant mecha fighting giant enemies while leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. The list of mecha anime itself is a long list that stretches back to the 1960's; Evangelion, Code Geass, Full Metal Panic, Gurren Lagann, and 50 billion versions of Gundam. Guillermo del Toro stated that he made this movie mostly to appeal to the nostalgic adults who watched mecha anime growing up but also have it appeal to kids to get them interested in the genre as well. Did it work though?

At least a decade into the future, giant aliens known as Kaiju erupt from a portal in the pacific ocean and, naturally, begin to attack cities mostly bordering around the Pacific ocean. The world bands together to pool their resources into creating giant fighting robots, referred to as Jaeger, that have to be controlled by two people, cause, ya know, if Evangelion or Gundam taught us anything, it's that it's impossible for one person to control a giant robot. At first, everything seems to go well until the Kaiju begin to adapt to these attacks and develop their ways of defeating the Jaeger. In a last ditch effort to stop the Kaiju, Jaeger program marshall Stacker Pentecost (Idris Elba) plans to drop a nuke into the Kaiju portal. To help make this possible, he brings together former Jaeger pilot Raleigh Beckett (Charlie Hunnam) teamed up with Mako Mori (Rinko Kikuchi) to suit up and defend Hong Kong and end the war.

The story is so predictable that, again, you might as well should bring a checklist of all movie cliches and check them off. Main character traumatized by death of loved one, badass minor characters killed off in one battle, motivation speech, self-sacrifice; been there, done that. The characters are so dull, I thought they were played by robots

Really, the only reason this movie should be seen is for the fighting giant robots and let's be honest here, the fights are amazing to watch. They're big, loud, and bombastic; too bad there are only three fights in the entire movie and the last one isn't even as good as the second one, watching Hong Kong get torn to bits made me laugh happily.

I've been getting requests to go see this from my fellow critics, hailing it as "this summer's best." While I definitely enjoyed it more than my family did, I can't really say that I would want to pay IMAX 3D price to see this again. I'd rather sneak in to watch the second Kaiju/Jaeger fight than sit through the entire movie again, or better still, wait till it's available on XFinity. I really liked the fight scenes, but the movie's plot could have been stronger to warrant rewatch.

Final Rating: 2/5

The Lone Ranger 2013

Directed by Gore Verbinski ("The Ring," "Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl," "Rango") on a budget of $250 million with distribution by Disney Pictures; "The Lone Ranger" is Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney's attempt to bring back the fictional Western hero of the same name who was created in 1933. Like John Wayne, The Lone Ranger has endured as an American icon in pop culture, the masked Texas Ranger who rides across the Old West, shooting silver bullets, fighting injustice with his trusty Native American sidekick Tonto and from out of the west with the speed of light and a hearty hi-yo Silver!…sorry…I just reverted back to my childhood youth of watching some of these campy episodes on the TCM channel... The Lone Ranger began as a radio serial in the 30's By George W. Trendle and Fran Striker (Wikipedia says "or" but I feel both men deserve credit) the serials grew in popularity, but it exploded in the 1950's, the golden age of American Westerns with the television show that began in 1949 and starred Clayton Moore as The Lone Ranger, cementing the image of this American icon.

Now the history of The Lone Ranger with film has not been one to show promise, there exist two movies that featured Clayton Moore, a poorly commercialized 1981 flop "The Legend of the Lone Ranger," a 2003 TV movie pilot that failed to attract attention and Disney's 2013 effort. Disney for the longest time struggled to get "The Lone Ranger" off the ground, going through different writers, directors and actors to play the lead. Eventually, the movie was finally made, but recently, the movie has become a major box office flop for Disney, one to compare to the likes of "John Carter." So what about this film is making it hard to win it's money back? Let's take a look.

Plot:

Being narrated by an elderly Tonto (Johnny Depp) in 1933, the movie is set in Texas of 1869 where lawyer John Reid (Armie Hammer and before you ask, yes, the John Reid is supposed to be related to Britt Reid, The Green Hornet, believe me, I've got enough to be pissed off at) arrives via a train that carries sadistic criminal Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner) who is freed by his gang. Deciding to take the law into their hands to apprehend him, John's Texas Ranger brother Dan Reid (James Badge Dale) makes John a Texas Ranger and takes him along on their ride to recover Butch. However, they are shot down and left for dead, with Butch eating Dan's heart…for some reason…Tonto (still Johnny Depp), however, discovers John and, with some comedic prodding from a white horse, Tonto saves John's life and encourages him to wear a mask and seek justice for his brother's murder. So after that 45 minutes, we then sit through, mm, at least an hour of random stuff, a dull main character and so many nods to other Westerns I could be watching that you forget you're watching "The Lone Ranger" until the last 10-20 minutes. Oh yeah, the movie also has Tom Wilkinson as that one character who isn't as he seems, Helena Bonham Carter as a Madame with an ivory leg/built in leg gun, and Ruth Wilson is John's love interest even though they barely share any scenes together.

I've said before that I've noticed a pattern in bad movies where if you have more than one or two writers, chances are, your movie will suck. That isn't always true (just look at a lot of Disney movies), but for major action movies this day in age, three writers and you can see why a movie is as bad as it is. So, who's writing this movie? (checks) Justin Haythe, screenwriter for "Revolutionary Road," huh, that wasn't too bad. Ted Elliott, screenwriter for Disney's "Aladdin," and the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies as well as "Shrek," again, those were pretty good movies, for the most part, that just leaves Terry Rossio, he should be the one responsible, right? Well, he's actually worked on the same films as Ted Elliot, even working together for that really good 1998 remake "The Mask of Zorro." So damn, you would think these guys would at least know when there's too much in the movie to be shown that they would need to take out to make the movie shorter.

The movie feels long, many scenes feel dragged out longer than necessary and as a result, times where the movie establishes character development, really are just used to show off more of Johnny Depp's Tonto. It takes about 40 minutes or so before John finally puts on the Lone Ranger mask and once he finally does, he spends the majority of the movie whining, acting like a stereotypical city boy and complaining…at like, everything. But all of that can be forgiven for the big scale finale where Tonto and The Lone Ranger battle the villains on two trains that roll around on the tracks while John and Tonto leap back and forth on the trains while Hans Zimmer's version of "The William Tell Overture" plays over the action. 

Characters:

Armie Hammer: He's boring.

That's all I can say. I could go into detail about how much of a wimp he acts like when he has all these chances to shoot the bad guys and make the movie end sooner, but he hesitates and we're forced to endure more of the movie's length, Guy Farmer said it best in a Johnny Depp movie I reviewed before, "stupid f*cking white man." Also, this is something the movie never really explains, Tonto says to John that he is a spiritwalker and he cannot die, but we're explained by a Comanche tribe that Tonto isn't right in the head, so does that mean John can actually die or did Tonto telling the truth? Also, Tonto states that Butch is an evil spirit, yet he's never killed by a silver bullet and there's no mysticism to him except why Armie just can't shoot his dumb ass and get it over with.

Johnny Depp: He's pretty much Captain Jack Sparrow without the drunken swagger.

And the same can be said with the majority of his actions in the movie, the facial expressions he makes, his reactions to certain situations and how he casually steps off a ladder just before it runs into a tree; don't lie to yourself, he's Jack Sparrow without the swagger. I guess as a marketing ploy to get more people to the theater or the Comanche native American tribe really like Johnny Depp that much that they made him an honorary Comanche. While his performance isn't really offensive like many others from back in the 1950's in that old Golden Hollywood age of Movie Westerns, while I would have liked to have seen an actual Native American actor play Tonto, I doubt the movie would have made as much of it's money back if Johnny wasn't in the role. By the way, I read an article that raised a good point about the movie's narrative; since Tonto isn't right in the head, that would mean, by that logical, all the weird things that are seen in the movie, from cannibal rabbits to the horse Silver being able to appear on the rooftop of a burning barn to being in a tree with a hat on. By that then, all the improbable and ridiculous elements of the movie, you could say, were fabricated by Tonto. Interesting theory right?

Everyone else, left no impact on me whatsoever. Helena Bonham Carter is amusing, but she is given so little screentime you might as well forgotten she was in the movie. Tom Wilkinson is forgettable, Butch Cavendish has one scene of brutality early on where he eats Dan's heart…still don't understand the significance of doing so but, whatever…but after that, he's just a disgusting nasty asshole with no depth or humanity to him. Ruth Wilson is the most boring love interest in a western since Selma Hyak in "Wild Wild West" and her little kid is just…well, he just fills the camera with something to look at, not like we have Johnny Depp's bird to do that.

Production:

Typical of a Gore Verbinski picture, the locations recreate the feel of an old Sergio Leone or John Ford western (in fact, for hard core movie-goers, give a Halleluiah when you spot the obvious reference to "The Searchers"). The locations look fantastic, from a small pool surrounded by large rock formations to a large valley where The Lone Ranger and Tonto blow up a bridge. The music by Hans Zimmer (any long term fans who have ready my reviews since 2009 know I can't stand Hans Zimmer, well, it's been a few years, I've gotten over it and can respect that the guy has done some very good music. The music in this movie sounds like a combination of classic Elmer Bernstien-esqe flair with the grandiose of "Pirates of the Caribbean" and a touch of Neil Young's "Dead Man" in certain places if you hear it right. Visually, the movie looks pretty good, even for all the implausible death-defying points of the film. Even the makeup looks pretty nifty, you have to give some credit to the makeup team for creating a makeup for Johnny Depp where the face paint looks as though it's been dried onto his face, give them credit, that is not an easy makeup effect if you're trying to rush a makeup session. Not to mention seeing Johnny Depp look so freaking old, dang dude.

Bottom Line:

So now the question I must ask; why is this movie failing while other Westerns like "Django Unchained," and "True Grit" make back double or triple it's money while movies like "Wild Wild West," Jonah Hex" and "Cowboys & Aliens" fail to break even at the box office? The issue stems from the movie's budget with the amount of marketing one can do for a movie. The movie mentioned before failed to attract an audience because of most people aren't too fond of mysticism or science-fiction in Westerns since it tends to ruin the aesthetic feel of a Western. Even in something as ridiculous as "Shanghai Noon," the world the movie sets itself still gives the Western aesthetic. Movies like "Wild Wild West" miscast actors that fail to bring box office draw, write screenplays that require three people to write them and try to force in some sense of modernization that effectively breaks the film aesthetic and thus you, the audience, are instead left to sit and wonder "Why is there a giant mechanical Spider here?" or "Why is Jonah Hex carrying around a machine gun on his horse?" or "Why the hell are the cowboys even bothering with guns when it's established they only hurt the aliens when the aliens feel like bullets can hurt them?" Doing outrageous stunts like the ones in this movie ruins the effective reality of a Western if you have characters who are supposedly superhuman.

Again, that's my theory as to why High-concept Westerns fail, I can't say for sure that's the reason, but it's a reason.

As for "The Lone Ranger," there was a lot of promise and a lot of big names attached to the movie to ensure that it couldn't possibly fail, but it suffered from the same problems with "Wild Wild West" and now, Disney is the one going to suffer for it. There were things I did like, I was invested in what was going on…for the most part…Johnny Depp and Silver were the funniest things in this movie and the ending, while ridiculous and implausible, is awesome as hell.

But for as much as I want this movie to at least be successful so that this doesn't ruin the careers of Gore Verbinski, Jerry Bruckheimer and Johnny Depp, I honestly can only recommend this movie as a rental. The train scenes and the cinematography are the only legitimate reason I can recommend to see the movie on the big screen, the size and scale of the movie and seeing it fill the screen is it's own visual treat to a seasoned ciniphile. But for the average movie goer who wouldn't know John Ford or Sergio Leone, this is honestly, at best, a rental.

Final Rating: 2.75/5

I really want to give it higher, but, from the bottom of my heart, I can't.