Gravity

Released in 2013 under the direction of Alfonso Cuarón ("Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," "Children of Men") on a budget of $100 million with distribution from Warner Bros.; "Gravity" is the ambitious Science-fiction space drama that combines the celebration of life with the fear of dying alone. Never before has a movie like this been filmed and it's all thanks to the creative mind of Alfonso Cuarón.

It's just another day above orbit for STS-157 Explorer, performing some maintenance work on the Hubble Space Telescope. This is the final mission for veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) who hopes to break the 75 minute spacewalk record and the first for Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock). Things go horribly wrong when debris from a destroyed Russian satellite causes a chain reaction that makes the debris into flying death missiles that destroy the Explorer and leave Matt and Ryan floating in space, running low on oxygen and fearing the possibility of returning home starts to seem unlikely sets in for Dr. Stone as all Kowalski can do is comfort her with the sound of his voice.

Critics and audiences all around have praised this movie to no end and rest assured, I'm with you. 

This movie is one of the BEST movies of 2013.

Alfonso's direction is still outstanding as ever. The movie's opening sequence is proof to that as it manages to show everything that happens in Alfonso's brand of using computer effects and cameras to film in one long take. It's an outstanding use of computer effects that perfectly uses the 3D to it's advantage. From the beginning, we see the Explorer, Kowlaski floats around it with his thruster pack telling some story about his wife leaving him and this time he was in Mardi Gras, the camera following him as it settles on Dr. Stone trying to repair some thingy on the Hubble Space Telescope, Mission Control in Houston (voiced by Ed Harris, very nice choice by the way if you saw "The Right Stuff") comments on her vital signs. All seems normal. Then Mission control orders them to get back on the Explorer when the debris begins to fly in, the pieces of the ship fall apart, Dr. Stone is still attached to the robotic arm of Explorer, she frees herself of the arm and starts spinning around in space, breathing frantically, the camera still continues to follow her, looking at her face from outside her space suit to the camera literally going inside her suit to see her view before gently going back out to look at her face. 

Everything about this movie left me speechless. The visual effects work wonders with the 3D, something I hadn't seen done since "Hugo," the acting, especially from Sandra Bullock who carries the movie, is strong, the direction is fantastic and the visual metaphors employed throughout will stick in your mind.

If you haven't seen "Gravity" yet, why are you still reading this?

Final Rating: 4/5

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Released in 2010 under the direction of Eli Craig with distribution through Magnet Releasing, "Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil" is an independent horror comedy that revolves around the cliched story of a bunch of crazed hillbillies who butcher teenagers out in the woods- eh? What's that? What do you mean the roles are reversed? Um, okay then.

Our two good-hearted hillbillies, the tough-minded but well-meaning Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and surprisingly bright yet shy Dale (Tyler Labine) are going up to the woods to acquire an abandoned cabin and turn it into a summer home. But, coming up to camp in the same woods are a bunch of shallow and judgmental college students who assume these two are sociopaths when one of their dumb friends bumps her head and Tucker and Dale rescue her, they assume she has been captured. The rest of the movie? These dumb teenagers getting themselves violently killed by accident, like one moron just leaping into a woodchopper while Tucker leans over to pick up a branch. The girl they've rescued, Allison (Katrina Bowden) learns that Dale isn't really that crazy as she assumed and he's actually pretty sweet. Also her possible boyfriend (Jesse Moss) just may be a psychopathic douchebag.

The main theme of the movie is assumption and misinterpretation. Since the movie starts with these shallow teens who assume the locals here are psychos, it comes as a bit of a surprise to the very hardened horror audience to find these "hilliebillie psychopaths" are not that at all and all the usual tropes seen in horror movies all happen based on a misunderstanding. Like when Tucker chases after the teens with a chainsaw, in actuality, he was running for his life from the bees he angered while cutting through a tree. Moments like these are not as funny until the teens die horribly and in a hilarious way, to the point Tucker and Dale assume the teens are killing themselves intentionally.

The acting is surprisingly solid for an independent horror comedy, the teens are perfectly shallow and the title characters are surprisingly likable and delivering really funny lines with one another. The gore effects look fantastic, especially for an independent movie, from the bloodied legs of a college student to the burnt face of Brad, the effects are convincing enough to look real but cheap enough to not go overboard. Music is decent enough to be intense and haunting enough to play itself out as a horror film even though it's tongue is firmly in cheek.

Overall, I'm glad HailtotheChimp requested I look at this movie and it saddens me that it took me this long to finally review it. I can see why he praised this movie, there is a level of intelligence to this comedy that is rare as it strives to uphold the conventional horror tropes but at the same time, it chooses to look at it from the perspective of the 'psychopaths' from most horror movies.

Final Rating: 3.5/5

Mary Shelly's Frankenstein

Released in 1994 under the direction of Kenneth Branagh ("Henry V," "Thor") on a budget of $45 million with distribution through Tristar Pictures; "Mary Shelly's Frankenstein," is one of a slew of horror remakes that came about in the 1990's following Francis Ford Coppola's critically praised "Bram Stoker's Dracula." Other remakes that came between 1992-1999 includes the likes of 1992's "Bram Stoker's Dracula," 1993's "Body Snatchers," 1994's "Mary Shelly's Frankenstein," 1995's "Village of the Damned," 1998's "Psycho," 1999's "The Haunting," "Sleepy Hollow," and "The Mummy."

Of these movies, three were spiritual remakes of the movies by Universal Studios from the 1930's which were in themselves, adapted from novels (except for "The Mummy" but that's debatable). Francis Ford Coppola's adaptation of Dracula was a superb, albeit flawed, adaptation that set the movie at the novel's original setting and followed the story more closely than previous version. Stephen Sommers' "The Mummy" was a special effects extravaganza that celebrated the pulp action feel of the time with a fantastic cast of actors to sell the absurdity of the story. 

I bring this up because if you look at these three movies together and wanted to give medals to each one, I would award them in this order: Francis Ford Coppola receives the gold, Stephen Sommers would receive the silver and Kevin Branagh would receive the bronze. If you think I'm doing that out of disdain and preference over directors, I ask you to see these movies again and think if my decision is warranted. Strap in ladies and gents cause it's time to give this review LIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!

Plot: In 1794, an ambitious adventurer named Robert Walton (Aidan Quinn) risks his ship and crew to reach the North Pole. While trapped in the ice, he discovers a man walking over the ice and brings him on board his ship to hear his story. The man is Victor Frankenstein (Kenneth Branagh) and this all began when Victor's mother (Cherie Lunghi) died giving birth to his brother William Frankenstein (Ryan Smith), prompting him to obsess over trumping death. He leaves his adopted sister Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter) and father Baron Frankenstein (Ian Holm) in Geneva, Switzerland and goes to a college in Ingolstadt, Germany. There, he befriends medical student Henry Clerval (Tom Hulce) and Professor  Waldman (John Cleese) who shows Victor his experiments with using electricity to make small creatures and limbs move. 

But it takes the death of Professor Waldman at the hands of a one-legged loon to make Victor create life by combining "raw materials" together to build his creature: the body of the loon who killed the professor, the brain of Professor Waldman and the leg of some guy at the morgue. But instead of lifting the body onto the roof and letting it get shocked with lightning, he puts his creation in a container full of birth canal fluid and electric eels that brings it to life…though it barely resembles how Mary Shelly described it in her novel. The Creature (Robert De Niro) is shaven, super strong, has one yellow eye, but is also very confused by what has transpired. Instead of helping The Creature, Victor is horrified by what he has made and attempts to dispose of it, but his creation steals his coat and flees, only to be hounded by the villagers thinking he is the cause of a cholera outbreak, which prompts him to flee into the woods and hide in the barn of a family. There, he learns to speak and read as he attempts to befriend this family but is chased away like before, prompting The Creature to seek vengeance on his creator.

Getting Victor's attention by murdering WIlliam and framing his nanny, Justine Moritz (Trevyn McDowell), Victor meets with The Creature who demands he make him a bride and in return, he will leave Victor alone forever. Not wanting to use the body of Justine, Victor breaks his promise to The Monster and The Monster retaliates by breaking Elizabeth's heart…by ripping it out. So Victor takes the brain of his wife and places it into the body of Justine and brings her to life, only to have her realize she has been horribly scarred by Victor and, rather than live like this, she sets herself on fire, which makes the entire mansion explode into flames apparently. 

Thus Victor's story ends as he dies on the ship, The Monster arrives and mourns over his creator, calling him "his father" as he sets himself on fire with Victor's funeral pyre, which prompts Robert to go home.

Well….it's closer to the novel than previous adaptations. It still has the elements of Frankenstein everybody came to see: Victor Frankenstein takes body parts to create his creature, he abandons it, it learns to speak and read but is constantly rejected by others because of his hideous appearance, yadda, yadda, social message this, social message that. It has the idea right, but it clicks by at such a manic pace that it feels as though the movie is just as eager to get to the part where the monster comes to life as we are. But as a result, it comes off as really campy, even more than the 1999 Mummy movie was was intentionally tongue-in-cheek.

Characters:

The actors play their part and do an…all right job. Really, the best thing in this movie is, no surprise, Robert De Niro as The Monster. He's the only one who seems more reserved and sympathetic while everyone else acts like they escaped from a mental hospital, there's this very moving speech the Monster gives near the end of the second act describing his treatment by people. Kenneth Branangh is a good actor, the man was nominated for an Oscar for playing Henry the 5th, but good Lord, seeing him in this movie, it's like the man has forgotten what subtlety is and he overacts almost every other scene.Tom Hulce is actually pretty good, but I'll always think of as Mozart from "Amadeus." As for Helena Bonham Carter…um…well, she's…okay? Yeah I don't really have anything much to say about her, but seeing her heart being torn out was probably more satisfying than it should have been.

Ian Holm does a fine job with his small part, so does John Cleese and Richard Briers and that's really the best of what I can say about the casting in this movie; the actors that are really good at what they do work, they do for what the script calls for them to do. But what really makes me scratch my head were the choices made by Kenneth Branagh to push so much ham into his role that you mistake Kenneth Branagh playing Dr. Victor Frankenstein for trying out for Dr. Fro-drick Fronk-enstein from "Young Frankenstein," minus the "DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING, THAT'S FOR ME!" and "Putting on the Ritz."

Production:

Just like Francis Ford Coppola's 1992 film adaptation of Dracula, Branagh's adaptation looks fantastic and fits the era it's set in. Bringing the feel of 18th Century medical equipment and the dirty look of Europe during the Dark Ages…that…that didn't sound right. 

Yeah, this movie feels a little confused historically. While the students at the medical college and at the Frankenstein Manor look and dress the time period, the villagers looked like they came out of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," I half expected one of them to say "There's some lovely filth over here!"

In terms of music, Patrick Doyle's score is about as subtle as the movie. It's bombastic and loud whenever Branagh's hamming it up and soft when it tries to be innocent or heartfelt whenever Victor and Elizabeth are together or when the Monster tries to connect with people.

But my favorite scene that cracked me up was when Elizabeth in her new body sets herself on fire and then runs through the mansion, setting it on fire. This was so hilariously over-the-top I honestly thought I was watching something out of a Hammer Horror film than something that was produced by Coppola, hell, even Coppola's movie wasn't this hilarious special effects-wise.

Bottom Line:

Um….wow this was goofy. I won't say the production is horrible or that the casting is terrible or that the movie is unfaithful to the original source material (which I barely remember reading back in Jr. High), but I will say that the tone for this, when it's taking it's time, it does work. When the movie can slow down and actually examine Victor Frankenstein's line of thinking, but so much of this movie feels too campy to take seriously. There's this 2 minute sequence in which after The Monster has come to life, Victor let's the monster out of the case, with all this birth canal fluid spilling out, the two of them keep slipping and sliding in this fluid, Victor Frankenstien not even wearing a shirt and the Monster is buck-ass naked, now in my more immature mindset, I would make some homosexual joke; but instead, I ask you to watch this scene with Wacky sound effects and a comical rolling piano line to go with it. Well, that's better, hopefully nobody gets insulted now.

But you see my point though, yes? The movie is just so campy when it's trying to take itself seriously and the first half clicks by so fast that the movie seems to want to get to the Monster like we all are. The sets are still cool to look at, the music is pretty good and Robert De Niro really is the best actor in this movie, working really well with all that make-up on his face and body. But if you asked me whether or not to watch it, I'd say, "eh, go ahead, but don't expect a repeat viewing."

Final Rating: 2.75/5

Things I Learned From "Silent Hill Revelation."

Sometimes, we learn things from movies; how to comfort others when they're sad, how to fight off the bad guys, or how to woo the ladies (or guys, I don't judge). But sometimes, movies present important lessons that one has to question on a regular basis whether the lessons these movies teach are good messages. So, in an effort to point out these lessons, as well as to make people crack up, here are the lessons I learned from 2012's film adaptation of the popular horror video games "Silent Hill Revelation."

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-The alarms going off the second the movie starts should be a warning to anyone that you should probably leave the theater while you still can.

-"Revelation" is the most overused subtitle in movies' since "Resurrection" and "Beginning." Don't believe me? "The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations," "Hellraiser: Revelations," "Apocalypse II: Revelation," "Star Wars: Revelation," "Pokemon 2000: Revelation Lugia," hell, this even crosses over into video games, take another popular horror video game series "Resident Evil Revelations," "Assassin's Creed: Revelations," "Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation;" you get my point.

-When you're running from trouble, run into Rob Zombie's Carnival.

-Forget guys in hockey masks or dudes with chainsaws, the most threatening thing to scare you is a large pink bunny that looks at you.

-Let Pyramid Head operate the Merry-go-Round.

-Replace the fake horses on the Merry-Go-Round with dudes who are into BDSM.

-"You cannot defeat me. Do not go to Silent Hill." Sure, whatever you say weird pale goth chick, I wasn't even planning on it.

-Set people on fire to prevent them from riding the Merry-Go-Round. Geez and I thought Eric Cartman was mean when he just locked everyone out of his amusement park.

-Be woken up by Sean Bean.

-A nightmare within a nightmare? Call up Christopher Nolan, I think we have an idea for a sequel.

-Do a Jump Scare with a pop tart…this is gonna be a loooooooooooong movie, isn't it?

-Eat said pop tarts with spoons.

-Question your own name to your father even though "Heather" is a pretty average name that shouldn't be a problem.

-As a birthday present for your 18 year-old daughter who keeps changing her name, give her a sleeveless vest, that's funny, I use to wear a lot of those back when I was in Jr. High. My favorite was the blue one cause it had pockets inside the vest and I would carry my books and pencils around the school with them.

-Point out your dad's grey hair and have him blame it on you.

-You want to avoid saying the same thing you said in her dream? Okay then: "I dunno. A little paint, some flowers, some throw pillows, a-"

-"I'm careful, I'll be fine." Don't say that, it's like saying "Who's there?" in a slasher movie.

-Without your daughter's permission, look through her diary and tear out a page.

-Talk to a picture of your wife and then have some trippy conversation with her in a mirror.

-Tell your daughter her mother is dead to avoid telling her she's trapped in a mirror by some evil cult or whatever. At this point I'm reminded why I prefer"Silent Hill 2" since it wisely dispensed with the whole cult idea and just made it a more personal story.

-Stare at a homeless man to avoid getting on the bus.

-Talk to strange people who ask for your name cause they recognize you. I recognize her too, she was in "The Great Gatsby."

-If you're a teacher and it's clear your new student doesn't want to talk about themselves that much, pry them for more information about themselves, even if it makes them uncomfortable.

-"Do you get all your clothes from Goodwill?" Considering the area this school seems to exist in, I wouldn't be surprised if that's where everybody got their clothes and why isn't the teacher correcting this rude student?

-"…I don't think there are any original thinkers in the room…" I could say the same thing about the director, Michael J. Bassett.

-"Are you kidding me? I can't follow that." Sure you can, you're in "Game of Thrones," you can boast about the many conquests you've done.



-"Burn the Witch!" That's a strange class motto. I'd prefer to go with "We found a witch! May we burn her?"

-Apparently the dress code for this high school has gone back several centuries.

-Also the janitor has done a horrible job maintaining the school.

-Oh wait, there he is, though he seems to lack arms and a face. That would explain why the school looks like crap.

-Get pulled out of that hallucination by a guy who looks like Ziggy Sobotka from"The Wire."

-Ask a girl you've only just met today out for coffee.

-When someone you just met at a bus stop today is seen in front of the school, don't call the police, call your dad. You don't even have to give them your real name, especially since you've had so many.

-For the next birthday party you go to, get birthday balloons that say "Happy Birthday ________" and plaster any name you want on it so you can celebrate two birthdays at once.

-Eating human flesh at a birthday party? I'd hate to see what the party favors are.

-Walk into an "Employees Only" door when strange men who find you at a bus stop and stalks you to your school finds you.

-Apparently in this room there is some big bald guy who looks like he came off the set of "Hostel" cutting meat off some guy. Oh so THAT'S what McDonalds puts in their happy meals! 

-Threaten a private investigator who could have introduced himself when he first ran into you.

-The Order of Valtiel? Sounds more like a club for steakhouses to try really good steaks.

-Try to avoid getting your fingers removed by some creature that looks like it escaped off the set of "Saw" or from the video game "Clock Tower."

-Never leave a minor character alone in an elevator when a creature who was about to attack you disappears.

-You want to really f*ck around with somebody? Turn off the lights behind them.

-Hide in a utility closet…oh my God, this movie really sucks…

-If you're a police officer looking through some dead guy's wallet, loudly announce your findings so all the nearby witnesses can hear you.

-"I can't tell you because I have no idea what's going on in my head right now." I don't either and I've played the damn games.

-Travel on a subway with a creepy guy looking at you and the guy from "Game of Thrones."

-"Do you think there's a difference between dreams and reality?" There is, it's called "a totem." It can either by a spinning top or a loaded die.

-"My life's complicated enough." when did this guy bear an Irish-sounding accent and would you like to tell the class why your life sucks? No? Well okay then.

-"There are no suck things as dreams. Just endless realities just piled on top of each other." Damn it, I already made an "Inception" joke.

-"Some people see monsters…" but if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. How do you like that? I made a movie reference to the movie that inspired the games.

-The f*ck? When did it start snowing? 

-"But at least I'm real. Or I think I am." well, if you think, then therefore you are. Hmm, I don't think I'm really learning anything from this movie, I'll have to try harder.

-Cockblock the guy who was actually being nice to you.

-Don't call the police if you come home and find "Come to Silent Hill" written in blood on your wall. Well, at least the wall got that lick of paint.

-Well here comes the first major problem with the movie: you have people telling you not to go to Silent Hill and you are being threatened to go to Silent Hill even though you have no idea where it is.

-Pull down a box that your dad has been hiding bearing a symbol similar to that on the wall. How did she know about this box?

-Tell the guy you originally told to piss off to help you when the police arrive.

-Read a letter left by your father telling you to not go looking for him or come to Silent Hill, which Heather doesn't seem to know where it is anyway.

-"Silent Hill was a prison colony built on ground taken from Native Indians."Someone was obviously watching "Poltergeist" that weekend.

-"Sounds like one of those crazy doomsday cults" as apart from all other cults that aren't about doomsday and a child being a vessel to cleanse the world anew?

-"The town was cursed by a demon child, her name's Alessa." So wait, is Silent Hill the cause of angered ancient spirits from a Native American burial ground or a curse of a demon? Make up your mind movie!

-Pyramid Head is apparently Alessa's guardian and executioner…okay, I know I wasn't going to try and rub in the fan boy thing in with this list, but I really need to address this. Pyramid Head was a symbolic representation of James' sexual frustration over his wife and the psychological need to be punished or 'executed' for his sins he committed. There really is no purpose to have Pyramid Head in this movie except that he's the most recognizable video game monster and people wouldn't know this was a Silent Hill movie unless he was in it.

-If you get tired, pull up to the nearest seedy motel you can find.

-Despite being warned by your dreams, your dad, some private investigator, your dad's notes and this guy you just met today who all tell you to not go to Silent Hill, insist on going to Silent Hill.

-"I don't have a choice." No, actually you do. I know you really care for your dad, but if you really loved your dad, you would do what he says and flee. In fact, book a plane trip to Europe to get as far away as possible.

-Never question how a guy you just met today who was born and raised in Silent Hill managed to even leave Silent Hill.

-Don't kick the guy who was picked to bring you to Silent Hill and insists you don't go to SIlent Hill even though you just met him today.

-"Why did you take him? Why not just take me?" "Because you have to return of your own free will. Taking him, they knew you'd follow." Why is that a rule? She didn't exactly come of her own free will last time, she was driven there. These rules of Silent Hill are bullsh*t.

-So wait, the only way to be freed is to bring together some evil demon thing that has half of it's essence living in some teenage girl and then kill it? What a brilliant plan, why not just pour holy water all over her while you're at it?

-Don't call room service if your room starts to dissolve and peel off the walls and bleed to reveal a leftover set from "Saw II."

-Ask a guy who seems to know a lot about this demon business and get the answer that he doesn't know what is going on.

-Watch this guy you just met today and learned he came from Silent Hill get attacked by that thing from "Clock Tower."

-Don't put on a hat or cover your face for all the ash and smoke around.

-Never question why an area that is so dangerous and once used to house people isn't under quarantine by the government.

-Question why she didn't go to this Asylum first before going to SIlent Hill to get this other half to an amulet that this guy she met today told her to go get.

-Meet a woman who is apparently responsible for giving birth for a demon spawn or whatever and not shoot her or heed her advice and leave.

-"Alessa was special, she was the only one that could survive the fire, that's why she was chosen." Is it because she had some demon thing in her or was it because her father was The Human Torch…or Hellboy.

-Oh, well that's not true, cause she still burned up, so I guess surviving fire doesn't mean still retaining your hair and skin.

-If you're dying, place the innocent part of you into a newborn child so she can be kidnapped later in her life and then forced to grow up and have a sucky childhood.

-At this point, recognize that you are 45 minutes into the movie and what should be the climax is in basic screenwriting structure is actually Act 2, but clearly disregard that rule since the screenwriter/director has done that already.

-Also at this point question if Alessa had killed everybody in the last movie or not if there are still people in this place or if they had come from a different dimension or not, only to just throw any questions or comparison to the last movie as it is clear the screenwriter/director has done that already.

-Leave an orphan baby on a orphanage doorstep out in the rain.

-If a creepy woman tells you to run while this church starts to dissolve behind you, hesitate to do so.

-Don't question why a birthday cake is there and with lit candles.

-Enter a room full of mannequins that are just sitting there waiting to jump scare you. Too bad they're not mannequins like in "Condemned, Criminal Origins."Those will get under your skin.

-Don't question how a mannequin can breathe and turn it's head towards you when it clearly lacks arms.

-Find a naked woman on a table and watch her turn into a mannequin.

-Try to save a woman from this CGI creature looks like they just combined the Split Worm from "Silent Hill 3" and Scarlet from "Silent Hill Homecoming."

-"Where did you come from?" A good question indeed.

-Apparently don't use the gun you took with you on this giant monster thing.

-Make no effort to try and save this woman you just met a minute ago.

-Question how a woman who looks more pale than than chick from "Hellboy II: The Golden Army" can bore a child that looks like Ziggy Sabotka.

-Coincidentally leave the warehouse and come across the Asylum you may or may not be looking for as you weren't exactly told which Asylum you were looking for.

-Never question if this Asylum is still in use why there is no security here.

-Never question why a safebox containing all these keys to patient cell rooms isn't locked.

-Shine a light on a pale man who has no eyes or nose.

-Finally remember you have a gun.

-Get locked behind in a cell by not putting something between you and the door to ensure you don't get locked inside.

-Get locked in said cell with a blind Malcolm McDowell, a wise lesson indeed.

-Hold half of an amulet in front of a blind Malcolm McDowell expecting him to know what it is.

-The Seal of Metatron? So the only thing that can defeat a demon is a Decepticon then?

-Shove the other half of an amulet into your chest and restore your eyesight.

-Use a handgun to blow a man across the room.

-If you've transformed into a monster and you're carrying the other half of a demon spawn thing over your shoulder, make no effort to stop her from reaching into your chest and pulling out the other half of the amulet.

-Use a flashlight that I'm quite certain you dropped earlier.

-It's good you have the Seal of Metatron, but do you really know what to do with it?

-If a guy with a large pyramid mask comes walking down the hallway of a prison cell block, stick out your arms and lose them for no reason except for the shock value.

-Take your patients to a room where a bunch of faceless nurses stand around in awkward positions until someone enters the room.

-Come more prepared if you can't trust the nurses in this room that will attack anyone that ins't in uniform.

-Never question why the nurses don't attack you but just assume their eyesight is based on movement.

-Run away even though these nurses don't feel like leaving the operating room.

-"Your dad would want you to leave." "You don't know that." Did you not read that letter your dad wrote to you?

-Have horrible memories of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies."

-Let the guy you only just met yesterday kiss you and run off distracting the gas mask dudes from "My Bloody Valentine."

-Experience Deja Vu.

-Apparently when Pyramid Head isn't chopping off prisoners' arms, he's running the Merry-Go-Round.

-"Daughter, Sister, Self." The sequel to the popular book "Eat, Pray, Love."

-Hug the evil demon thing until you absorb it…or something...

-So that's the end of the movie then right? No, didn't think so...

-"Why me?" For God's sake, you'd think she has short-term memory loss or something, haven't you been listening to anything anyone has been saying?

-"It is your destiny." Well, let's quote "Young Frankenstein" again: "DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME!"

-Question if they want to be free of their prison, why can't they just leave since it's clear they if they can send Jon Snow outside.

-Use some mystical amulet thing to dissolve a woman into that thing from "Clock Tower."

-Pyramid Head Vs. The Scissorman should have it's own spin-off movie.

-Let Pyramid Head leave, so long Deus Ex Machina that was only in the movie because it's the only thing that people actually remember from the games.

-"I can't leave." "what? why?" Yeah, why? You said yourself this place was just a place of lost souls.

-"This is my task, you've done what you had to do." Are you for real? Who was the one telling her to stay away from Silent Hill all the time?

-"You understand why I have to do this?" No, I don't, you lousy parent. I know she's 18 but come on! You just moved and she's still in school with no paying income! You deadbeat parent.

-Order some guy that your daughter met two days ago to look after your daughter even though the two barely know one another outside of just specifics like name, age and relation to Silent Hill.

-Hitchhike a semi truck with a piano playing for the soundtrack, just don't run into Bill Bixby.

-Travis Grady? You mean from "Silent Hill Origins?" Oh you son of a-

-A police convoy entering Silent Hill as the fog and ash return? Oh you cheap-ass lazy motherf*ckers, "Silent Hill Downpour" came out seven months BEFORE this movie did!

-Speaking of which, weren't you being hunted after by the police for a murder? Where could you possibly go?!

-Ending titles that remind me of the opening to "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo."

-Post credits teaser shows Pyramid Head still dragging his giant Final Fantasy Buster Sword.

- -

Final Rating: 1/5
This is really bad.
I mean, REALLY bad.
For everything I said about the last movie, it makes the last movie look like"Citizen Kane."
At least the last movie's director understood "Silent Hill," it's clear from the get-go this director just doesn't get it. He seems to get the visual look of Silent Hill 3…for the most part, but most of the time, it feels like he's just throwing in what the fans liked from the games and threw them in just to appeal to them. Ya know, like what Paul Weak Sh*t Anderson does all the motherf*cking time with the"Resident Evil" movies.
The plot is nonsensical, even by Silent Hill standards which had an ending where you could have been kidnapped by aliens. The actors are boring next to wooden, the music is a bizarre combination of the original games' score with some industrial metal thrown in. The visuals looks nice and they definitely have that decayed Silent Hill feel, but I can't help but come under the impression the movies was more inspired by "Saw" than Silent Hill.

Don't see this movie, or the original movie for that matter. Just go play the video games, an HD collection was launched recently, go blow some cash on that thing, or a better idea, watch the movie that inspired the franchise, 1990's "Jacob's Ladder." While I personally don't think of it as 'scary; I do think it has a remarkable level of atmosphere that's very unsettling with profound poignancy to it's themes of death. This movie is horrid. It's not scary, it's not clever and it's clear that Michael J. Basset knows practically nothing about this series if he had to resort to asking the fans for ideas for this movie.

Skip this garbage and go play the actual games.